Incompetent cervix. It turns out my feelings of inadequacy were not entirely unfounded. I wrote that as a joke but the truth is I kind of secretly think that maybe the impostor complex that’s always plagued me was a misinterpreted sign. (Not that I believe in signs) <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Tom and I went to the new doctor the week before we left for Europe. I guess that’s another reason I didn’t write before we left. The news was overwhelming. On one hand, it’s a huge relief to know that I didn’t cause the pre-term labor. The nagging feeling that Tommy Jr came early because I’m bad doesn’t have anymore fuel. Incompetent is different than bad. To be honest, our doctor called it something a little nicer- cervical inadequacy or something. That doesn’t sound much better really. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\nIncompetent, inadequate…isn’t the fear of those things what keeps girls from raising their hands in math and science class? I mean other than being told I have a fat cervix, there couldn’t be two words that would be more hilariously pathetically upsetting to hear used to describe a part of you. And reading about my incompetent cervix was like getting a punch in the face of proof that I failed as a women. A failure punch.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I wish I felt more hopeful having an explanation. Because I already won the shitty-lottery I don’t feel safe thinking “the chances are good that next time the doctors will know…” and blah blah bullshit. I’m f*cking scared. I know I want to get pregnant again, but I just can’t imagine when I’ll have the guts to go through it again. I can’t imagine a time where my heart has healed enough to let me take another risk. I know it’s too soon to even consider, but it’s baby season right now! The summer is butt to nut with cute babies. And I want one so badly. And the one I want is buried in the ground. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
That was an awful thing to write. I can’t help it though. I try not to picture of him in there, in his tiny baby coffin, all alone. Somedays it hurts me too much just to think of him, because I only ever saw my little boy in the hospital with tubes and wires and machines. I wish so much that I could imagine him better as a fat little baby in the park or in Daddy’s arms. Maybe he’ll come to me like that in a dream someday.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Incompetent cervix. It turns out my feelings of inadequacy were not entirely unfounded. I wrote that as a joke but the truth is I kind of secretly think that maybe the impostor complex that’s always plagued me was a misinterpreted sign. (Not that I believe in signs) Tom and I went to the new … Continue reading “Incompetence Revealed”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2119","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2119","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2119"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2119\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3499,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2119\/revisions\/3499"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2119"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2119"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2119"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}