I think I generate a lot of emotion for one smallish person. I mean I’m denser right now than I have been in the past- despite inconsistent efforts I still haven’t lost all my baby weight. I don’t even thing it still qualifies as baby weight, it’s more like emotional padding. The point is sometimes, most times, I feel like I’m buzzing and crackling with emotion. I was sitting in my apartment today worrying that I wouldn’t be able to keep myself affixed to the couch- like any moment I’d be lifted up into the air by the ferocity of my own angst. <\/p>\n
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Was I always like this? I never know anymore. I can’t find where the grief ends and I begin. I think I write a variation of this concern about once a week. <\/p>\n
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The pain goes in waves, but when it’s present it’s physical. I can’t imagine someone sitting with me not noticing it, or smelling it, or hearing a buzz or something. When the pain passes the relief is palpable. Every emotion hits me like I’m becoming self-aware for the first time in my species’ evolutionary history. I can’t believe anyone has ever felt like this before. But I know that I’m not the first, and I’m not the last, and this isn’t the worst, and that it’s not really going to end, and it’s not going to kill me. But it does nibble at me. It’s a school of well-fed piranhas just checking what’s floating in their river. <\/p>\n
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I made it through the weekend. It was a little challenging- I locked my keys in the car Friday night during rush-hour while I went to pick up Ramona from daycare. AAA came in juuuust under two hours. But the rest of the weekend was a mixture of fun and tolerable. Tom came home late Sunday night and we saw a new doctor Monday. I don’t know what to do, every doctor I’ve seen seems competent and kind-hearted. So did my last doctor. But I need to know how these people perform in emergencies, because that’s what we’re worried about. And it’s impossible to know if they’ll be patient when I’m freaking out, if they’ll listen to me when I’m crying, or if they’ll trust me to know my own body.<\/p>\n
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I guess I’m feeling frustrated all around. The good news is that I made it to the 6:30 am Yoga class today, then ran for 40 minutes after. At least I have that time to turn my brain off. At least I have Tom G back! <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I think I generate a lot of emotion for one smallish person. I mean I’m denser right now than I have been in the past- despite inconsistent efforts I still haven’t lost all my baby weight. I don’t even thing it still qualifies as baby weight, it’s more like emotional padding. The point is sometimes, … Continue reading “Buzzing and Crackling – Tuesday January 18”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2326","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2326","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2326"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2326\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3447,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2326\/revisions\/3447"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2326"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2326"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2326"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}