Please note: This post is not a cry for help, or cause for concern for my general mental health. I am ok. I have many resources at my disposal. I’m just writing, not trying to freak anyone out.<\/p>\n
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I’m sorry to report that I’ve been stuck under a major depression for four or five days now. I don’t want anyone to worry- I know that it’ll pass. Tom G reminds me that this is probably cyclical and that it’s much much better than it has been in the past. But while I’m in it, I thought I should write about it. Maybe it’ll be useful to my readers to understand what this depression feels like.<\/p>\n
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This is not sadness, it’s not the blues, it’s not PMS. It doesn’t prevent me from experiencing laughter or having glimpses of my normal self. Depression, for me anyway, is very physical. It makes my bones hurt. It makes my insides feel black and cold, like all my organs have been replaced with sewer sludge. It makes my heart thud with an inexplicable dread, it makes my mind race in pointless circles. <\/p>\n
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The depression makes me feel caged, squeezed, backed into a corner. It makes me fold in upon myself and revel in my self-obsession. I know many of these descriptions sound cerebral, but they are not. My brain function during a bout of depression probably looks like a small insect, or an ameba- something that is actually just reacting to stimuli. It doesn’t stop me from hoping or loving, but it does make it harder. Sometimes I can get my head high enough above water to have good conversations and make people laugh.<\/p>\n
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In an effort to keep trying, I bought a book called Magnificent Mind At Any Age.<\/a> I’m only a few pages in, but it’s really interesting. I have never thought about how I fuel or excercise my brain and how that reflects on my emotions. The cynic in me thinks this book is a little too…salesy. But since there’s almost no chance that i’ll go to the author’s clinic to have my brain scan done, it doesn’t bother me too much. I’m happy to have found something new to try. <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n I’ve been thinking more and more about Tommy Jr’s birthday. Well “thinking” isn’t the right word- it’s like the thought darts in and out of my mind. I can’t actually sit and consider what it’ll be like to approach and pass his first birthday. I remember now that the week I was in the hospital it thunderstormed like crazy. Our room had a huge window that the rain thrashed against. The noise competed with the beeps and chirps of the hospital machines. I think towards the end of the week the sun came out. When I went in the hospital it was winter, when I got out, it was spring. At least that’s how I remember it. <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Tom G’s finals begin on Tommy’s birthday. We’re both worried but can’t seem to talk about it, probably because there’s not very much to say. Life won’t pause or slow down for us. <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n So that’s what’s new. Actually I guess nothing’s new. I’m still Poor Lucky Me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Please note: This post is not a cry for help, or cause for concern for my general mental health. I am ok. I have many resources at my disposal. I’m just writing, not trying to freak anyone out. I’m sorry to report that I’ve been stuck under a major depression for four or five … Continue reading “Back, but not where we started – Monday March 21st”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2399","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2399","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2399"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2399\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3421,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2399\/revisions\/3421"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2399"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2399"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2399"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}