It’s almost baby time and I’m going through that emotion where you’re mourning for something that you still have. \u00a0Like the last couple days of a vacation or your old pet…you just want to enjoy those last precious moments but you’re already consumed by what happens next. \u00a0And the thing that happens next is bitter sweet: I’m excited to meet this baby but can’t help be heartsick over the idea of going back to the hospital and having the same surgery I had when Tommy Jr was born.<\/p>\n
I still wonder why I didn’t just go to the hospital that day, instead of hemming and hawing and then going to the doctor’s office where they made me wait for god-knows-how-long before realizing I had to go to labor and delivery. \u00a0What would my life be like now if I had gone straight to the hospital and they could have stopped the labor? \u00a0I worry that I’ll never stop asking myself that.<\/p>\n
I keep trying to look at the photos that were taken the day we said goodbye. The next set of baby pictures will be so joyful and while I should feel happy, I just keep tearing up. \u00a0I know that with this new beginning comes the end of something that has informed my life for two years. \u00a0Grief won’t have the same place in my heart and mind when I’m caring for a new baby. \u00a0That’s the natural order of things, that’s how life is supposed to go: you don’t leave your grief behind, you let it grow your heart bigger to accommodate more joy. \u00a0But that’s just me trying to be positive.<\/p>\n
The truth is I feel like the arrival of my daughter means the departure of my little ghost.<\/p>\n
I know he’ll always be with us, but it won’t be the same. \u00a0We won’t have the same capacity to keep him near. \u00a0That’s one of the reasons why when people keep asking me if I’m excited I can’t just say “OH YES I’M SO EXCITED”. \u00a0And I can’t readily explain why it all feels so complicated. \u00a0People would rather think that everything is fine now- we made it and all that sadness is behind us.<\/p>\n
I’m rambling now. \u00a0It took me so long to just write this post that I’m reluctant to end it. \u00a0I am excited to meet my daughter, I am excited to learn how to be a mom to a living child. \u00a0I just miss my boy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It’s almost baby time and I’m going through that emotion where you’re mourning for something that you still have. \u00a0Like the last couple days of a vacation or your old pet…you just want to enjoy those last precious moments but you’re already consumed by what happens next. \u00a0And the thing that happens next is bitter … Continue reading “It’s Almost Time – Sunday December 11th”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2761","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2761","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2761"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2761\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3327,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2761\/revisions\/3327"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2761"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2761"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2761"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}