I spend a lot of time thinking about myself. \u00a0I think a lot about how my personality- my self- feels like an animal I am constantly trying to outsmart so it doesn’t eat me. \u00a0I have almost no control or insight into what going to happen next. \u00a0It is very easy to have a lot of personal insight when you feel like an observer of your self. \u00a0I don’t tell people that I think about myself a lot because that makes me sound like I’m a certain way. \u00a0I’m not that way though, I’m a different way.<\/p>\n
I know for sure what happens to people after they die. \u00a0Your energy leaves your body and becomes whatever you wanted it to become. \u00a0You can go to a blue heaven with pearly gates, or become a new baby or a dog or a tree. \u00a0You can split yourself up and settle back in as your grandchildren’s eyebrows. \u00a0You can just be dead in the ground too, if that’s what you want.<\/p>\n
Pretty frequently I get so sad that my heart actually hurts. \u00a0My stomach tightens and my heart aches. \u00a0Last week I went to the gym to try and run it out and I got chucked off the treadmill. \u00a0There were only about 72 people watching and gasping, but I keep thinking about how much worse it would have been if my pants had also fallen down. \u00a0When I do stuff like get dumped from the treadmill because I’m trying not to be so sad it makes me feel sort of proud of myself. \u00a0Because I know that not trying is easier. \u00a0Dulling the edges makes things hurt less.<\/p>\n
Plus, the physical pain resulting from getting thrown off a treadmill really does distract from emotional pain- which I have less patience for the older I get. \u00a0I think some of my arm muscles got torn of the bone and that’s much more specific than swirling melancholia. \u00a0And two 98 year olds behind me who were power walking on the treadmill with walking poles will have that story to tell for the rest of their lives. \u00a0So all around, a productive day.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I spend a lot of time thinking about myself. \u00a0I think a lot about how my personality- my self- feels like an animal I am constantly trying to outsmart so it doesn’t eat me. \u00a0I have almost no control or insight into what going to happen next. \u00a0It is very easy to have a lot … Continue reading “I Was Just Thinking- Sunday March 30th”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[55,56,59,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3108","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-hope","category-sad-stuff","category-story","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3108","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3108"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3108\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3113,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3108\/revisions\/3113"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3108"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3108"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3108"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}