It\u2019s hard to have this blog still exist.\u00a0 I recently became a blog-writer-denier, in front of someone I had just met.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want people to know anymore and I don\u2019t want to write very much anymore.<\/p>\n
When I was in the third grade Mrs. Long had us write essays about what we\u2019d be when we grew up.\u00a0 I wrote that I wanted to be a writer.\u00a0 I was already a voracious and mature reader, and my parents encouraged me.\u00a0 I overwrote and overwrite everything, but I can\u2019t help it- I\u2019m addicted.\u00a0 I\u2019m a logophile.\u00a0 I write lists to start my day and I write sentences to organize my thoughts and long emails I have to cut down (but don\u2019t).\u00a0 I doodle words when I\u2019m on the phone, admiring the shapes that represent the sounds that conjure up images.\u00a0 It\u2019s like magic.<\/p>\n
I loved writing.\u00a0 I used to write prolifically.\u00a0 I would write on this blog every single day.<\/p>\n
On May 10th 2010 I gave birth to a baby boy.\u00a0 I helped the nurse change his diaper through little openings in an incubator and read him The Hungry Little Caterpillar and got to hold him against my chest, twice.\u00a0 (I\u2019ve written these sentences over and over and over for five years now.) Then I started writing about it.\u00a0 As I was going through it, from inside the hospital I started writing how I felt on this blog.\u00a0 For years I wrote everything here- from the physical pain to the horrible secret thoughts.\u00a0 But five years is a long time for other people.\u00a0 The people who were there back then might think you can\u2019t get over it, and the new people\u2026well it does\u2019t seem fair to subject everyone to all of it.\u00a0 Everything in my life has changed in these five years except the sadness.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s impossible for me to write anything new about what happened. \u00a0One of the most consistent sufferings of a writer is the guilt of not writing enough.\u00a0 There\u2019s always more to write.\u00a0 And there\u2019s always more a person wants to write about grief.\u00a0 It changes so dramatically and seeps out so unexpectedly.\u00a0 A few nights ago it appeared as humiliation.\u00a0 Another time it was fuel for aggression and triumph.\u00a0 Usually it\u2019s loneliness.<\/p>\n
The loneliness is easy to redirect because my joy for life and shattering sadness are not mutually exclusive. \u00a0I never need help looking on the bright side: I live on the bright side.\u00a0 I just have a summer home on the dark side.<\/p>\n
I am self conscious about how sad I will always be sometimes.<\/p>\n
On May 10th 2010 I gave birth to a baby boy. I helped the nurse change his diaper through little openings in an incubator and read him The Hungry Little Caterpillar and got to hold him against my chest, twice.<\/p>\n
He was alive and he was his own self. That\u2019s the sentence I would say if I could.\u00a0 That\u2019s what I would tell people.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It\u2019s hard to have this blog still exist.\u00a0 I recently became a blog-writer-denier, in front of someone I had just met.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want people to know anymore and I don\u2019t want to write very much anymore. When I was in the third grade Mrs. Long had us write essays about what we\u2019d be when … Continue reading “His 5th Birthday – May 10, 2015”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3162","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3162","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3162"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3162\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3163,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3162\/revisions\/3163"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3162"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3162"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3162"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}