One thing I really love is to be interrupted. It’s the best! Have you ever tried it? Oh you really should.

First, you’ll need a partner- some one who thinks they know everything and that you are slow or even mentally defunct. It’s helps if the person is also impatient and reliably irritable.

Next, try to tell an interesting story, or relay a piece of information that is important to your interruption partner.

If you’re doing it right, your I.P. should interrupt you before you are able to finish what you wanted to say! Did it work? Isn’t it awesome? It’s cool because if you are ever having a low self-esteem day and want to confirm the bad things you’re thinking about yourself, you can just hope to be interrupted!

Now, this hobby isn’t as fun when you’re in a good mood, or feeling confident. On those days, you may have to be prepared with a snotty or passive aggressive remark. Try one of these:

“Yea no shit, you didn’t let me finish”
“Oh do you already know this?”
“Call me back when you’re cured of interruptasaurusitis”

Complete silence will also work. But usually an interrupting partner won’t be the kind of person who understands subtitles like getting hung up on.

Well I hope you’ve enjoyed this review of being interrupted. It is a wonderful way to pass the time and feel like an unimportant turd! Remember: if you aren’t important, people won’t ask you to do things. You’ll be free as a bird!

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

Whose story do you think is more believable:
Did Larry Craig have a “wide stance” or was this guy, Mike Duvall really just “engaged in inappropriate storytelling”?

I have to tell you that I am more likely to believe Duvall because I can’t imagine some hot-stuff lobbyist letting this turd spank her.

Also, are there any normal lawmakers out there? I am not saying that it is not normal to be spanked, but I am saying that all of these politicians excel at “do as I say and not as I do”!

With Regards,
Jack in Wisconsin

Dear Jack,
The thing about Duvall’s situation is that there are a lot of insecure insane people in the world who would sex up anyone who has a modicum of power. I knew a manager at KFC who got laid like carpet because he was in charge of the shift calender.

But if I was pressed to pick one, I would say that “inappropriate story telling” is way more believable than “wide stance”. Wide stance is about the stupidest/awesomest thing I’ve ever heard.

I’m so grateful for Larry Craig, because now I can safely assume that anyone who is really adamant about “family values” or viciously against gay marriage is just a closeted homosexual. On the other hand, maybe I’ve never really understood what family values means. Maybe it just means “be straight at home and gay in a public bathroom or truck stop”.

I don’t know about honest lawmakers, but I think that we should demand an IQ standard. If you are a politician and know know you’ve got a mic on while you’re talking about your various girlfriends underpants and sex fetishes, you are an idiot. Haven’t these people seen Naked Gun for god’s sake? It’s an old joke!

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then is the converse also true? Is the road to heaven paved with bad intentions?

It’s a difficult issue because on one hand, the people at church say we should be good, and charitable. On the other hand, I’ve heard that expression for many years and I don’t completely understand it. I tend to trust things that I don’t understand, it’s just something I learned to do in school

Please clear this issue up for me.

Signed,
A Follower

Dear A.F.,

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

The epic battle between Poor Lucky Me and Oprah is finally over. And the score has come in:

PLM: 1 Oprah: 0

It was a struggle. The day of and after her “anniversary show” my neighborhood looked like a police horse shit minefield. The “snack and soda” aisle at the local Dominicks was packed with fatties in skirt suits. The Black Eyed Peas and their crappy crappy music haunted the entire 60611 zip code. But I thwarted you Oprah. I took my life underground. I joined the hobos and drug dealers under lower Michigan, lower Illinois, lower Wacker. I drove my car around down there like I was batman (except with a silver Nissan Rogue instead of a cool futuristic motorcycle type vehicle).

I know that when you gave the signal for the crew to start packing up you must have felt a little wistful that our score was settled. Losing an enemy is as lonely as losing a friend sometimes. Especially a formidably foe such as myself, who has taken up so much of your mental energy.

But who knows whats next for us Oprah. Maybe this is the beginning of a powerful alliance. Maybe even a friendship.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

Today is 09-09-09. I know you are a gifted psychic, so I’m wondering if there’s anything I should look forward to or avoid on this spooky day?

Superstitiously Yours,
Barry in Florida

Dear Barry,

Thank you, I really appreciate when people recognize my mental powers (both good and evil). On 09/09/09 you should be sure to avoid the following:

Badgers
Cans of Diet Pepsi
Republicans
Sharks (real and gummi)
Velvet

I would explain why all these seemingly unrelated items should be avoided, but you have to be very enlightened to understand. Just keep sharp.

You should look forward to winning $20 from a scratch off ticket at the gas station near your house. Way to go!

Enjoy this magically threatening day.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Ok Oprah, you’ve really kicked it up a notch haven’t you? In your on-going effort to break my spirit, you are taping your anniversary show on the street that I must cross to get from my home to my office.

I have to admit it was a clever move. It must have been difficult to get the city on board, especially when you told them you were only doing it to annoy one person, but you did it. You are very powerful and will stop at nothing to get me.

Today is day on of two of your supposed “anniversary show”. You and I know it’s really just revenge for the time I made fun of you about The Secret. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the power of positive thinking, I just think it’s a little insulting to propose that poor people can solve their problems by wishing for things. At lunch I will do some reconnaissance and find out exactly what you have in store for me.

I won’t roll over so easily Oprah! I’ll fight this!

I think a good fight to watch would be pigeons vs. sea gulls. I’m not into violence as entertainment, but both scrappy garbage birds are equally threatening to me and I often wonder which is tougher.

Sea gulls must have a lot of stamina- they don’t hesitate to take flight and spent a lot of time in the air (in my unscientific observance). They use poo as a weapon and are so tough that they have bit roles on The Deadliest Catch. Pigeons use their attitude to ward off enemies. Usually a pigeon will glare at you and saunter out of danger rather then engage their wings. Both species have threatening beaks and claws. Both enjoy meals of garbage and/or carrion that the very site of will make the average commuter dry heave.

I like how white pigeons are called doves and revered as symbols of peace and love. It’s animal kingdom racism, so I think they probably have a lot of character. We must look at the struggle between doves and pigeons as a reminder that racism still exist in our own species, as well as in the bird kingdom.

It’s hard to say but I think if pressed I’d put my money on a pigeon. The ones that live near me all have gnarled war-torn feet and greasy feathers. This one particularly scary pigeon once flew at my face when I was carrying a bucket of chicken. I dropped the chicken on the sidewalk and he descended upon it like a homeless guy at an all you can eat Chinese buffet. I swear I heard him laughing at me as I walked away.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

We are all aware of the phrase “Million Dollar Idea” This phrase has been used for many, many years. However, a million dollars ain’t what it used to be. Isn’t it time we change the phrase to ‘Multi Million Dollar Idea” and if it is time to change it, how do we do that?

Thanks…

Love ,
The “eco-friendly lightbulb took a few seconds to warm up, but ended up going off in my head” guy.

Dear The Eco-Friendly Lightbulb Guy,

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

Hi! How are you? I am fine, but a little concerned. I think I have an on-line shopping problem. I am a good worker, but at break times I sneak my lap top in the bathroom and get lost in page after page of shoes and wall decals and camcorders and art supplies and clothes made in country with fair labor practices.

Do you think I can go to AA for help, or is there a separate group for on line shopping?

Signed,
Confessions of a Shopaholic Was A Good Film

Dear Shopaholic,

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

I’m worried.  I’m very very worried right now.  I just don’t know how much longer I can keep my wits about me because if I have to read one more god damn article about John and Kate Plus 8 I think I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.

First of all, both the parents’ faces annoy the crap out of me.  I mean seriously- John, if your head gets anymore bloated you could qualify to be a balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  And Kate- yes yes, we understand that you have that hairdo because you need attention- but isn’t everything you do a cry for attention?  So why not just have a normal looking hair cut and focus on the other freaky shit you’ve got in the pot?

Second of all, don’t John and Kate know they are contributing to the demise of society?  It’s not just the douchey reality tv, or the fodder for tabloids, its also the terrifying amount of garbage and plastic toys that litter of children must consume.  When I need to make myself throw up I visualize the mounds and mounds or trash that must come out of that home (DON’T get me started on the Duggers, who are obviously the earthly embodiment of Satan and his army).

Finally, and most importantly, who cares?  WHO CARES about these people?  Can’t they just get off my television and go back to being like everyone else- annoying, sleazy, dysfunctional parents who are scarring their children for life in their efforts to “provide” for them?

Actually, I’m not being completely honest. The truth is I wouldn’t mind having a nervous breakdown if I could go to a nice private institution for 10 days while I get back on track.  I heard you can wear pajamas all day and smoke cigarettes, which I find very appealing.