Monday, February 16th

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
When my best friend got married, I really tried to like his new wife. I went out of my way to share in her interests and pay attention to her.

I tried hard, and it turns out she just sucks. She’s a snob, she’s openly disinterested in things she doesn’t know anything about, and she steamrolls anyone who disagrees with her annoying opinions.

So what am I supposed to do? Is this the end of a great friendship? I shudder at the idea of hanging out the three of us. My own girlfriend has already written the wife off.

I’ve Known Him Longer

Dear I’ve Known Him Longer,
Disliking a friend’s spouse is a common affliction as one moves into their twenties and thirties. It’s another reminder that grownupism sucks. In my youth, I had no problem saying “You’re boyfriend/girlfriend is a pain in the ass/ho/douche bag/narc and you should break up with him/her as soon as possible if not sooner.” Because I was very bossy, this usually did the trick. But after college and into our early careers, I started losing my resolve. It became harder to tell a friend that hanging out with his fiance made me feel like I’ve donated too much blood on a hot day without being provided any apple juice or crackers. Especially if the friend had already invested in a ring. In fact, this is one of the main reasons that I’ve started the Engagement Rings Are For Suckers facebook group.

Anyway, there are a few things you can do. You don’t want to give up on the friendship, that’s not fair. There are only a handful of cool people in this world, and you can’t let a lame wife box you out from a good friendship. First of all, you should really go out of your way to agree with her “annoying opinions” when you are forced to be in the same room with her. This really pleases douche bags, and keeps you from having to have long conversations with them. Sometimes people who are tools intentionally say provocative things, then they judge how you react to what they’ve said. It’s like that tic-tack-toe-playing-chicken’s method- they peck and peck until they get a positive or negative reaction that they can use. Second of all, try to make plans with your friend when you know the wife has other commitments. This is the only real solution to the lame-spouse dilemma. You just have to set up activities that you know she’ll hate or will conflict with her schedule, then hope that your friend gets the point.

Be forewarned: if he ever asks “Do you like my wife?” Reply, “I really do. We don’t have a ton in common but I do enjoy her. Especially because she makes you happy” Never ever say that you think she’s a boring snob who makes you want to fake a heart attack to get out of a conversation with her. Sometimes it doesn’t pay to tell the whole truth, and your friend already knows about the less desirable aspects of her personality, and he married her anyway. Maybe she’s a demon in the sack. We’ll hope so, for your friend’s sake.

Poor Lucky Me

Friday, February 13th

An Open Letter To Poor Lucky Me From Brad Pitt

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I was so flattered to get your communiqué, and felt like getting a letter from you marked the zenith in my career. I also must apologize for my lawyer’s comportment. He is very protective of me and lacks the ability to recognize a charming and sapient fan trying to reach out to me. I have since reprimanded him and invite you to consider yourself my friend and adviser.

I’m thrilled that you liked my habiliments in Troy. I had to laugh when I read your letter because I too have a short attention span. We really have so much in common. I didn’t even watch the whole film, and I have most of my works playing in a continuous loop in various rooms of my homes! However, I had a lot to do with the outfit choosing. People think that actors are just winsome people who stand around and say things that other people write. Well, that’s true to some extent, but we also weigh in on crucial issues like wardrobe, and what kinds of food we want stocked in our trailers.

So much writing has made me weary, but I don’t want to end this letter without saying a few more things about myself. I find it of utmost importance to convey to people how important, trenchant, sensitive, mighty, and well-endowed I am. The tabloids portray me as some pretty-boy baby maker, being bossed around by my mentally unstable wife. They never mention our long games of monopoly, our hours of looking at photos of ourselves, and the essays we write to each other about our pivotal role in culture and society. We are truly heros.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for reaching out. Let’s be in constant touch, ok? I’m so lucky to have you in my life.

With Great Affection and Sexiness,
Brad Pitt

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Friday, February 27th

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I read about a girl who taught her dog to lift his leg when he pooped, so she didn’t have to pick it up. It’s an appealing concept on a not-having-to-handle-hot-poop level, but outrageous on a societal level. What do you think?

With Love,
Dismounting From My High Horse

Dear Dismounting,

No, no no no no no.  Please no.  Please.  You really must view picking up your dog’s poop as part of your bonding process.  When all the snow melted in Chicago a couple of weeks ago (don’t worry, now we have new snow) and I got a glimpse of all the sidewalk bombs that people thought they weren’t responsible for because the snow was hiding them, I had a complete nervous breakdown.  In fact there is still a policeman stationed inside the 7-11 near my house, because I stripped down to my undies and bust in there sobbing and babbling about soggy poos.  I was just trying to buy some baggies but I guess the owner got all freaked out and called the cops.

You don’t know rock bottom until you’re sitting in jail in old underpants and your mother won’t come get you because she assumes the phone calls are a joke.  Luckily the personal banker at Chase was still desperate to get me to open a savings account, so he came and got me.  Thank god for these tough economic times, and I don’t even believe in god.

Be cool, pick up your dog’s poo.


Poor Lucky Me

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