Inconvenienced and Not Accepting Apologies – Friday January 29th

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
Why is it when I call customer service centers to complain about crabby service or a crabby product, the person always says “I’m sorry for your inconvenience”? Is that supposed to make me feel better?


I don’t want an apology, I want the situation rectified. Barring that, I’d like something for free. Is that too much to ask?


Are there a lot of people out there falling for the ole apology? Because they’re mucking it up for the rest of us.
Nice Try, Comcast


Dear Nice Try, Comcast,
According to the Department of Labor, by 2014 four out of every five jobs in American will belong in the service sector. Of course that encompasses a lot of different kinds of services, including teaching and health services. But I can’t help but be disturbed by the notion that our the majority of our economy will be based on services yet it feels like the service people I encounter tend to be wildly apathetic, bored, or aggressive.


I got into a yelling match with a customer service lady at Macy’s because she had no idea what “mismatched” meant. As in: “I bought these sheets and when I opened the package they were mismatched” She replied: “I have no idea what that means”. I didn’t know what part of the complaint she was referring too. Sheets? Package? Opened? No, after a 15 minute back and forth we realized she was stuck at “mismatched”. This was a relatively articulate native English speaker. Mismatched was apparently not covered in the service employee handbook.


I’m not bitter, I’m concerned. I’m concerned that “I apologize for your inconvenience” has somehow replaced any intention to deliver adequate service. Have the suits at Comcast- or AT&T, or Macy’s or any other place we spend our money- just decided that actually servicing people is too expensive but apologies are free and thus will suffice?


You know what they say: put your apologies in one hand and shit in the other and see one fills up first. Actually that’s what I want to say to customer service people who offer me apologies but no solution to rectify my dissatisfaction. But I won’t say it! Not only because I don’t have the guts, but because I’m holding out for hope!


Do people actually fall for the apology? Yes, indeed they do. Because sometimes you know thats as good as it’s going to get. So you open your mind and your heart, remember it’s not the person on the phone’s fault that they work for a crap company, and you accept the small personal gift they give you. Well it’s not exactly personal, but if you shut your eyes and use your imagination you can think of it as a small step towards making things a little bit better. Then you have to write a stern but polite letter.


Write letters people! If we don’t put our unhappiness in writing how will anyone ever know! Message boards count too, but there is something so thrilling about complaining on a piece of stationary and sending it out into the world with a stamp. And that apology for your inconvenience should be like a gentle push to get you to take pen in hand and believe that you can make a change.


I’ve got a new set of sheets on their way from Macy’s. I’m not sure that this set won’t be mismatched, but I’m going to stay hopeful.
Poor Lucky Me

Dater Needs Direction – Thursday January 29th

This could be you!

This could be you!


Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I have a big date this weekend and I’m really nervous. The girl keeps saying she wants to do something “crazy” and “different”.


I get she doesn’t want to just go to a bar. And I get that dinner and a movie doesn’t count as crazy. So now I’m out of ideas.


Could you throw a dog a bone?


-Good Impression is Imperative


Dear G.I.I.I.,
Here are some great ideas for your date:


-Go to the Scientology center near you and take their personality test. Try to withstand being recruited.


-Go to a sporting event and challenge each other to run onto the field.


-Panhandle and see who gets the most money in a given time period.


-Go to Medieval Times, bring Lean Cuisines, insist that microwaves have been around since the 13th Century.


-Go to a comedy open mic and make jokes about how lame she is, thus lowering her self-esteem and endearing her to you.


Any of these idea will show her that you are a creative dater, and probably a creative lover. It’ll be the craziest night she’s ever had…or the most insulting if you do the open mic.


Good Luck!


Poor Lucky Me

Urban Dweller May Snap – Wednesday January 27th

img_0233Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I’ve been watching this show on HGTV called “International House Hunters”. Basically it’s rich people trying to find kick ass houses in awesome places like Spain and Costa Rica.


I think my bitterness about living in the freezing cold Midwest is starting to overwhelm me, because I’ve started to have this disturbing urge. I’ve been secretly writing the new home owners hate mail. I haven’t been successful at finding any addresses yet, because I can tell that’s like jumping off the crazy cliff.


Or is it? I like in a 600 square foot apartment.


Cramped and Bitter


Dear Cramped and Bitter,
I’m sorry to be the one to break this to you- but you can’t believe everything you see on TV. Do you really think all the kids on Jersey Shore are like that in real life? I happen to know for a fact (through the rumor mill) that The Situation is working on his PHD from M.I.T. in robotics and is using this experience to show his review panel that he has acting skills in addition to his prowess in math and science. Nobody is that hateable in real life.


Let’s assume that the people on your “International House Hunters” show are just actors being used by desperate real estate agents to drum up interest for homes that are probably unsellable due to their proximity to a howler monkey refuge. They never’t show you the howler moneys. Or the enraged parrot colonies that attack you when you’re sipping a glass of Pinot Grigio on your lanai.


Also, good for you for realizing that your instinct to send hate mail is something you should seek help for. I wish I had realized that before Sandra Bullock started a lawsuit against me for my self published book “Why Sandra Bullock Is Totally Overrated: She’s Not Even Cute”


Poor Lucky Me

Mustachioed Man Cries For Help – Tuesday January 26th

greatmoustache_fullpic_2Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I hope that this doesn’t fall on deaf ears. Everyone thinks that guys with mustaches have it all, and by most accounts, they are right. There are a few areas where we are continually short-changed and I hope you can get this out to the masses.


I have a healthy mustache and of course a good career, so I don’t need extra income but I still like to model my mustache for others to enjoy. Ever since this new “mustache explosion” my services are in higher demand. All too often though, I go to a casting call and lose out to a guy with a fake mustache who will take a lower paycheck for the job.


As you can probably imagine, I organized a trade union and we are boycotting the advertisers that use these so-called “mustachioed” men, but people keep crossing our picket lines. If we were Teamsters, this would not be happening.


I just wish that guys that wear T-Shirts like the one in this photo would heed their own message.


Please Help,
Thick and Long


Dear Thick and Long,
I had no idea this was such a problem, thank you for bringing it to my attention. It’s easy to assume that people with lush facial hair have it all- I mean think of all the bearded ladies just livin’ it up on a carny’s salary!


I did hear a story on This American Life (which was later made into a movie) about Santas with real beards. They were so sick of fake bearded Santas stealing their jobs that they formed a union: the Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas. Later, of course, the group was plagued by in-fighting and eventually broke into warring factions. That’s how much passion the real bearded Santas have!


In the meantime, why don’t you take a cue from the Real Beards and organize? You have rights! You have power (in a way)! My roommate wears a mustache sometimes and we get away with all kinds of illegal nonsense because cops just assume he’s either one of them, or some kind of mustachioed vigilante. You should see where he parks his car when he’s sporting that monster!


I’m sure that someone will pick up this story of your mustache angst and make a film about it. Maybe not a feature, but definitely a short film.


Poor Lucky Me

List! Monday January 25th

people-most-beautiful10 Feelings I Frequently Have While Reading People Magazine:


1. Smug-I am reading this publication to be ironic…not because I actually care.


2. Self-Loathing- I actually care about this stuff.


3. Inspired- I like those pet stories and the articles about heroes.


4. Intellectual- I can read People and Thomas Pynchon. Well I never actually finished Gravity’s Rainbow but I own it…


5. Exasperated- I know the real way these people got beach bodies and it doesn’t have anything to do with Pilates. The girls inject horse urine and the guys do ‘roids. Duh.


6. Hopeless- for the future of society.


7. Impressed- by how often I’ll read the “Celebrities are just like you!” section. It turns out, celebrities are not just like me. They’re never shown lying on the couch watching reruns of King of The Hill and eating Andies Candies.


8. Worried- That I may actually be making myself dumber by reading People. I’d probably be better off binge drinking.


9. Curious- About how these stories compare to the current issue of The National Enquirer.


10. Positive- That purchasing People magazine will hurt my chances of running for political office in the future. The people will tolerate a lot, but will surely draw the line at an unhealthy obsession with tabloids.

Photo Day – Friday January 22nd

Sometimes you come across a work of art that is so creative, so inspiring, so groundbreaking that it transcends it’s genre. This tattoo makes all other tattoos seem completely pointless. Once this gentleman got this body art, everyone else might as well have their tribal bands and ankle roses lasered off. Nothing can compete.

Monument Raises Questions – Thursday January 21st

mount_rushmore_smallerDear Poor Lucky Me,


What’s the deal with Mount Rushmore? I’ve never been there but I’m suddenly really curious about it Who put it there? Can we expect other giant sculptures of beloved icons, like Madonna and Richard Gere?


Art Lover


Dear Art Lover,


Mount Rushmore was built both as a tribute to our nation’s heros as well as a way to awe and inspire people. It was a controversial use of public funds approved by Congress to impress the public. Like the Cash for Clunkers bill. Heeeeyooooooo!!


But seriously folks, I think that as the economy continues to smell, we can expect a Mount Rushmore copycat project.


My idea is to use art to celebrate the racial and cultural diversity of our nation’s celebrities. So, from left to right we can expect to see:
James Earl Jones


Jackie Chan


Kal Penn (From the Harold and Kumar movies)


Bette Midler


I know that you’re thinking you’d like to see one with Dolly Parton, Cher, Elton John and Celine Dion. That would be pretty sweet too. But trust me, the diversity thing will attract way more people. Mount Rushmore has like 2 million visitors a year so the next big thing has to be pretty awesome. I was thinking it should be built in Michigan, to help revive the economy there. As soon as I find a sculptor who’s worthy of the project I’m going to email Barack Obama. He still emails me all the time from the election so I assume it’ll be a breeze to get this thing shovel ready.


Poor Lucky Me

Man Threatened By Perceived Toilet Seat Sexism – Wednesday January 20

714130209_814934b5c0Dear Poor Lucky Me,


There is something that is upsetting me and I feel the need to discuss my issue with someone of great wisdom and knowledge such as yourself.


Lately I have been finding that more men are leaving the toilet seat in the down position after use. In other words they raise it AND lower it back when finished with their timely relief.


Now I know that all of us “boys” were taught to do this by our moms, but I am more and more feeling this is a sexist matter. I mean who is to determine good manners? I understand that woman are too precious to soil their dainty little fingers after all of those expensive manicures with toilet seat urine. I get that.


And I get that many men take untold pleasure in playing games like submarine and hit the bulls eye while excusing themselves. We all know that those dangerous bathroom games do lead to bad aim here and there which in turn leaves a residue on the seat which is unpleasant should one wish to sit.
And it is even worse when it is a public toilet.


BUT all common sense aside: why should a man be required to lift the seat then return it to its original position “in case” a woman should enter and need to sit? I mean why shouldn’t the seat stay up? In china they don’t have toilets and do very well without a seat by using a public trough.


I need help in understanding this sexist, wrong, and unfair in a reverse misogynistic way. Good manners no longer apply in our society, so why should we keep bowing to woman when all they do is use us for sex anyway.


Please help me Poor Lucky Me… are all I have.


Thank you.


Dear Thank You,


Are you sure the women in your life only use you for sex? Because I suspect that’s more wishful thinking that fact. But that’s neither here nor there. I strongly disagree that good manners no longer apply. In fact, in our world of Snookies and Pat Robertsons, good manners are more important than ever. I understand that you might not frequently encounter people who know which fork is the salad fork and that one should not talk with one’s mouth full, but that works in your favor. Good manners stand out now and make you more interesting to the opposite sex.


I know what you thinking: No one ever got laid because they kept their elbows off the table. But it’s more subtle than that. The truth is people with good manners are more likable. They’re more likely not to insult you (to your face), spit food at you, close a door in your face, or fart in the elevator. They’ll probably bring a gift or alcohol to your parties. They may pick up the check at a restaurant once in a while. If you really examine your social circle I bet you’ll find that the fancy-pantsed are more welcomed in your home.


Besides, once you say ________ is dead, you’ve given up hope. And nothing spins me into despair quicker than thinking anyone has given up hope.


Now, to specifically address the toilet seat. There is a very good reason why men must put the lid down. When you live in a frat house or a bachelor pad it might not be that important. But let’s say you lose your job and have to move back in with your parents. Let’s say your loving mother cooks you meatballs every Sunday and does your laundry- not because she feels sorry for you that you’ve lost your job- but because she loves you. Let’s say you think it’s not your responsibility to put the lid down on the toilet seat, so one night after 8 beers you pee, leave the seat up, and go back to watching Cinemax in the den. Then you hear the sweet pitter patter of your mom’s socked feet coming down the hall on the way to the bathroom. Before you realize what’s happening, you hear a yelp and a splash. You jump up from your chair to find your mother floating in the toilet bowl with a soaking wet night gown and a broken hip. All because you were too much of a lazy asshole to put the seat down for the woman who carried you in her womb for 9 months.


Would that make you happy? No, I didn’t think so. Some social niceties are in place for a reason, so suck it up and put the seat down.


Poor Lucky Me

Snack Food Scares Reader – Tuesday January 19th

Dear Poor Lucky Me,


Have you seen the ads for the new McDonald’s Big Mac Snack Wrap? I saw it the other night and have had this really unsettled, vomity feeling ever since.


Is this a snack for people who can’t take the time to eat a burger? Or is it for people who can’t afford the actual burger? I just can’t figure out why anyone would create or consume such a thing.


Please lend some insight if possible. I can’t sleep.




Dear Disturbed,


The Big Mac Snack Wrap and the Taco Bell Diet both made me feel like I should join a church after all. If these aren’t two of the four horsemen of the apocalypse I’ll be a monkey’s uncle (I was going to say “I’ll be damned” but don’t want to risk it).


I was also was tipped off that an evil presence was behind both concepts because the commercials made sense. If a Taco Bell Diet and a burger wrapped in a tortilla make sense to you, you know that you’ve been gripped my the devil. Or his non-religious equivalent.


But to answer your question: I think the Snackwrap is targeted towards people who want a calorie dense snack they can eat with one hand. The most important thing about fast food these days is that you can eat it with one hand, keeping the other hand free for driving, surfing the internet, talking on the phone, or smoking. Even the Taco Bell Diet food selection is primarily one handed.


I wish I could tell you it’s no big deal; a Big Mac Snackwrap should be personally threatening to you. But this time I think it’s right to feel threatened and scared.


Poor Lucky Me

List – Monday January 18th



10 Types of Stories That You May Start Telling But I Probably Won’t Finish Listening To (Exceptions Noted):


1. Your long detailed dream (unless it was a sex dream involving me)


2. Your horoscope or anything about your astrological sign.


3. How you are such a superstar and rose to the top of your company in no time (I do however, enjoy stories about failing upwards)


4. Anything about “Twilight” or “Harry Potter” (unless it’s “Who the hell cares about Twilight or Harry Potter?”).


5. The details of the latest movie you saw/book you read when I haven’t seem/read it and tell you that immediately.


6. How your dog likes to ride in the car or how your cat likes to wake you up in the morning. That’s what ALL dogs and cats do people!


7. What makes your child’s school exceptional (unless it involves celebrities or fine food in the cafeteria).


8. Anything involving the word “episiotomy”.


9. The rising or falling value of your home (unless I ever become a homeowner, then I’ll have to reevaluate this point.)


10. How sick you are of being hit on by members of the opposite sex. Yes, yes, we get it, you’re hot.

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