Dear Poor Lucky Me,
Why is it when I call customer service centers to complain about crabby service or a crabby product, the person always says “I’m sorry for your inconvenience”? Is that supposed to make me feel better?

I don’t want an apology, I want the situation rectified. Barring that, I’d like something for free. Is that too much to ask?

Are there a lot of people out there falling for the ole apology? Because they’re mucking it up for the rest of us.
Signed,
Nice Try, Comcast

Dear Nice Try, Comcast,
According to the Department of Labor, by 2014 four out of every five jobs in American will belong in the service sector. Of course that encompasses a lot of different kinds of services, including teaching and health services. But I can’t help but be disturbed by the notion that our the majority of our economy will be based on services yet it feels like the service people I encounter tend to be wildly apathetic, bored, or aggressive.

I’ve got a new set of sheets on their way from Macy’s. I’m not sure that this set won’t be mismatched, but I’m going to stay hopeful.
Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

This could be you!

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I have a big date this weekend and I’m really nervous. The girl keeps saying she wants to do something “crazy” and “different”.

I get she doesn’t want to just go to a bar. And I get that dinner and a movie doesn’t count as crazy. So now I’m out of ideas.

Could you throw a dog a bone?

-Good Impression is Imperative

Dear G.I.I.I.,
Here are some great ideas for your date:

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I’ve been watching this show on HGTV called “International House Hunters”. Basically it’s rich people trying to find kick ass houses in awesome places like Spain and Costa Rica.

I think my bitterness about living in the freezing cold Midwest is starting to overwhelm me, because I’ve started to have this disturbing urge. I’ve been secretly writing the new home owners hate mail. I haven’t been successful at finding any addresses yet, because I can tell that’s like jumping off the crazy cliff.

Or is it? I like in a 600 square foot apartment.

Signed,
Cramped and Bitter

Dear Cramped and Bitter,
I’m sorry to be the one to break this to you- but you can’t believe everything you see on TV. Do you really think all the kids on Jersey Shore are like that in real life? I happen to know for a fact (through the rumor mill) that The Situation is working on his PHD from M.I.T. in robotics and is using this experience to show his review panel that he has acting skills in addition to his prowess in math and science. Nobody is that hateable in real life.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I hope that this doesn’t fall on deaf ears. Everyone thinks that guys with mustaches have it all, and by most accounts, they are right. There are a few areas where we are continually short-changed and I hope you can get this out to the masses.

I have a healthy mustache and of course a good career, so I don’t need extra income but I still like to model my mustache for others to enjoy. Ever since this new “mustache explosion” my services are in higher demand. All too often though, I go to a casting call and lose out to a guy with a fake mustache who will take a lower paycheck for the job.

As you can probably imagine, I organized a trade union and we are boycotting the advertisers that use these so-called “mustachioed” men, but people keep crossing our picket lines. If we were Teamsters, this would not be happening.

I just wish that guys that wear T-Shirts like the one in this photo would heed their own message.

Please Help,
Thick and Long

Dear Thick and Long,
I had no idea this was such a problem, thank you for bringing it to my attention. It’s easy to assume that people with lush facial hair have it all- I mean think of all the bearded ladies just livin’ it up on a carny’s salary!

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

10 Feelings I Frequently Have While Reading People Magazine:

1. Smug-I am reading this publication to be ironic…not because I actually care.

2. Self-Loathing- I actually care about this stuff.

3. Inspired- I like those pet stories and the articles about heroes.

4. Intellectual- I can read People and Thomas Pynchon. Well I never actually finished Gravity’s Rainbow but I own it…

5. Exasperated- I know the real way these people got beach bodies and it doesn’t have anything to do with Pilates. The girls inject horse urine and the guys do ‘roids. Duh.

6. Hopeless- for the future of society.

7. Impressed- by how often I’ll read the “Celebrities are just like you!” section. It turns out, celebrities are not just like me. They’re never shown lying on the couch watching reruns of King of The Hill and eating Andies Candies.

8. Worried- That I may actually be making myself dumber by reading People. I’d probably be better off binge drinking.

9. Curious- About how these stories compare to the current issue of The National Enquirer.

10. Positive- That purchasing People magazine will hurt my chances of running for political office in the future. The people will tolerate a lot, but will surely draw the line at an unhealthy obsession with tabloids.

Sometimes you come across a work of art that is so creative, so inspiring, so groundbreaking that it transcends it’s genre. This tattoo makes all other tattoos seem completely pointless. Once this gentleman got this body art, everyone else might as well have their tribal bands and ankle roses lasered off. Nothing can compete.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

What’s the deal with Mount Rushmore? I’ve never been there but I’m suddenly really curious about it Who put it there? Can we expect other giant sculptures of beloved icons, like Madonna and Richard Gere?

Curiously,
Art Lover

Dear Art Lover,

Mount Rushmore was built both as a tribute to our nation’s heros as well as a way to awe and inspire people. It was a controversial use of public funds approved by Congress to impress the public. Like the Cash for Clunkers bill. Heeeeyooooooo!!

But seriously folks, I think that as the economy continues to smell, we can expect a Mount Rushmore copycat project.

My idea is to use art to celebrate the racial and cultural diversity of our nation’s celebrities. So, from left to right we can expect to see:
James Earl Jones

Jackie Chan

Kal Penn (From the Harold and Kumar movies)

Bette Midler

I know that you’re thinking you’d like to see one with Dolly Parton, Cher, Elton John and Celine Dion. That would be pretty sweet too. But trust me, the diversity thing will attract way more people. Mount Rushmore has like 2 million visitors a year so the next big thing has to be pretty awesome. I was thinking it should be built in Michigan, to help revive the economy there. As soon as I find a sculptor who’s worthy of the project I’m going to email Barack Obama. He still emails me all the time from the election so I assume it’ll be a breeze to get this thing shovel ready.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

There is something that is upsetting me and I feel the need to discuss my issue with someone of great wisdom and knowledge such as yourself.

Lately I have been finding that more men are leaving the toilet seat in the down position after use. In other words they raise it AND lower it back when finished with their timely relief.

Now I know that all of us “boys” were taught to do this by our moms, but I am more and more feeling this is a sexist matter. I mean who is to determine good manners? I understand that woman are too precious to soil their dainty little fingers after all of those expensive manicures with toilet seat urine. I get that.

And I get that many men take untold pleasure in playing games like submarine and hit the bulls eye while excusing themselves. We all know that those dangerous bathroom games do lead to bad aim here and there which in turn leaves a residue on the seat which is unpleasant should one wish to sit.
And it is even worse when it is a public toilet.

BUT all common sense aside: why should a man be required to lift the seat then return it to its original position “in case” a woman should enter and need to sit? I mean why shouldn’t the seat stay up? In china they don’t have toilets and do very well without a seat by using a public trough.

I need help in understanding this sexist, wrong, and unfair in a reverse misogynistic way. Good manners no longer apply in our society, so why should we keep bowing to woman when all they do is use us for sex anyway.

Please help me Poor Lucky Me…..you are all I have.

Faithfully,
Thank you.

Dear Thank You,

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

Have you seen the ads for the new McDonald’s Big Mac Snack Wrap? I saw it the other night and have had this really unsettled, vomity feeling ever since.

Is this a snack for people who can’t take the time to eat a burger? Or is it for people who can’t afford the actual burger? I just can’t figure out why anyone would create or consume such a thing.

Please lend some insight if possible. I can’t sleep.

Signed,
Disturbed.

Dear Disturbed,

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

10 Types of Stories That You May Start Telling But I Probably Won’t Finish Listening To (Exceptions Noted):

1. Your long detailed dream (unless it was a sex dream involving me)

2. Your horoscope or anything about your astrological sign.

3. How you are such a superstar and rose to the top of your company in no time (I do however, enjoy stories about failing upwards)

4. Anything about “Twilight” or “Harry Potter” (unless it’s “Who the hell cares about Twilight or Harry Potter?”).

5. The details of the latest movie you saw/book you read when I haven’t seem/read it and tell you that immediately.

6. How your dog likes to ride in the car or how your cat likes to wake you up in the morning. That’s what ALL dogs and cats do people!

7. What makes your child’s school exceptional (unless it involves celebrities or fine food in the cafeteria).

8. Anything involving the word “episiotomy”.

9. The rising or falling value of your home (unless I ever become a homeowner, then I’ll have to reevaluate this point.)

10. How sick you are of being hit on by members of the opposite sex. Yes, yes, we get it, you’re hot.