Dear Poor Lucky Me,

Although I am a man, and a very muscular one at that, I do feel cheated that only women get to wear make up.  Is it possible that I could get away with just a little concealer and a little mascara?  I’m not into drag or anything, I just really want to look my best.  I’m not even a metro sexual- well I wax some of my body hair and like to be well dressed, but it ends there.

So, what do you think?  Can I pull it off without compromising my sexual identity?

Yours,

Alpha Male

Dear Alpha Male.

Your sexual identity has already been compromised by your desire to experiment with make-up.  Also, you are a metro-sexual.  It’s nothing to be ashamed of (in some social circles) it’s just something you should come to terms with.

“A little” mascara on a man is a lot of mascara, there’s just no way around it.  I don’t know about concealer, but really what’s the point?  There are a lot of things that men can do that women can’t- why don’t you try and focus on some of those things?  You could wear an athletic cup to protect your genitals, you could lift heavy things over your head with little effort, you could drive with competency.  Those activities might even help restore your wilted masculinity.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I live in Chicago too, and I’ve been reading about how the city privatized the parking meters.  In some places downtown the meters cost $3 an hour, you have to pay in quarters, and if the meter is broken or full you can get a ticket.

I just don’t understand how this could be possible?  I mean who’s idea was this?  What else are they going to privatize? Are these people specifically out to get me or something?  I can’t walk around with 500 quarters in my pocket for god’s sake!

Signed,

I’m Pissed Off

Dear I’m Pissed Off,

I’m pissed off too.  I don’t understand how local government can just sell shit that I assume my tax dollars were funding.  I mean isn’t that stuff partially mine?  I don’t know all the ins and outs of urban economics or even who my local politicians are; I just know that I should be rewarded by finding a broken meter by being allowed to park there for free.  Is that too much to ask?

I guess for the time being we do have to walk around with bags of quarters.  Or keep forcing foreign currency into the meters until they break.  I think if enough parking meters get vandalized- I mean broken- the evil company that owns them might set up a credit card payment option.  At the very least they’ll be annoyed.  Normally I don’t condone putting more negative energy into the universe, but this is a special case.

I also just found out that those bastard cameras that keep taking pictures of me running yellow lights and sending me tickets in the mail are also owned by a private company.  It’s like the devil has set up a privatized empire to bother everyone and give us all bullshit tickets that we don’t even know about until they show up in the mail one day!  How can you talk your way out of a traffic ticket if a devil-camera is in charge?  It’s just not right, and if I wasn’t so lazy I wouldn’t stand for it.  As it is, I lie on my couch a lot and bitch at the ceiling about this awful state of affairs.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

What does this quote tell us about the current state of affairs?

“Mr. T — the only living person besides President Obama to have a Chia pottery figure modeled after him”

Source: http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/1547123,CST-NWS-mrt28.article

I think that Nostradamus wrote about this in his 152nd quatrain.  I’m terrified.  What do you think?

Signed,

Could Mr. T Be Our Next President

Dear Could Mr. T,

I don’t know, what would be weirder: Mr T as President or Arnold Schwarzenegger as president?  I guess Mr T would be weirder, because he has fewer tag lines to work with.  Where would Governor Schwarzenegger be without “I’ll be back” and “Hasta la vista baby” and “Girly man”.  I think that Mr T only has “I pity the fool” which is decent, but probably wouldn’t get him much past Comptroller, or President of the Water Board.  You need more than one tag-line if you want to be a celebritician.  I think Larry the Cable Guy’s “Git ‘Er Done” has more legs than “I pity the fool”.

Don’t they make Chia Looney Toons characters?  Because I would also vote for some of them for Govenor or Senator.  It’d be cool because then my local politician would already be tattooed onto several places on my body, and adorning my jean jacket.

Don’t worry about Nostradamus, he didn’t even speak English.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I’ve been going to the gym for about three weeks, and having a nice time.  I’m starting to get very fit and really enjoy myself.  The problem is I’ve become obsessed with a certain kind of woman at my gym.  The type is very thin, very made up, adorned with a designer hand bag and always standing around with said hand bag.

Who are these women?  What is their problem?  Why won’t they use a locker?

Yours Truly,

Flexed and Perplexed

Dear Flexed,

I think those women probably have a lot of time on their hands and a lot of pressure to look hot to keep their Moneybags’ interest.  If their Moneybags get bored the women get left behind for a younger, skankier girl who’s more willing to do the work to stay in the relationship.  It’s not exactly their fault that they act like complete assholes, because they’ve got a lot to worry about.  Well, really just one thing: themselves.  But worrying about oneself when one is a hot young ho can be very time consuming.  Don’t you watch The Girls Next Door?

You see, all jobs are hard.  You think your job is hard because you have to show up every day and do stuff.  You probably have to go to meeting and file reports and stuff. Those women at the gym also have very demanding careers, they just look different.  They have to be coiffed and waxed and painted and be constantly vigilant for signs of younger girls encroaching on their territory.  It’s very exhausting and time consuming.  Do you have any idea what its like to get a bikini wax?  If you do, multiply that horror by 100 because those girls at your gym have to get Brazilian Bikini waxes.  That’s when they go at all the nooks and crannies of the front and back.  So, have a little sympathy for god’s sake.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I live alone with my wonderful dog Daisy.  We have a great relationship most of the time.  The thing is I’ve gained a lot of weight over the past year and a half and I’m starting to feel like Daisy is judging me.  Like if I disrobe for a shower she’ll sort of sneer at my now-fat ass.  Or she’ll act really annoyed if I roll over in bed and take up some of her space.

I don’t know if I’m acting like a freak, but it seems possible that my dog is disgusted with my weight gain.  It makes me really sad because I always felt like she was the one person in my life who didn’t care if I wore clean clothes or washed my hair- like she really just loved me unconditionally.

With Worry,

Possibly Projecting

Dear Possibly Projecting,

You are definitely projecting.  Dogs don’t care if you’re fat, ugly, unemployed or living with your parents.  That’s why lots of times you see total douchebags with great dogs.  Besides helping humans hunt, I think it’s possible that dogs were domesticated for their ability to provide companionship to humans who would otherwise be shunned from their social group. Why do you think hippies always have dogs with them?

Please don’t make your dog a victim of your neurosis.  Join Weight Watchers and consulting a shrink for the best way to be a normal person.  It takes a lot of work but the pay off for you and your canine companion will be huge.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I am an avid reader. I read everything I can get my hands on. Recently I read Winnie The Poo. Why would you name a pet or anything else “Poo?” Doesn’t Poo only have one meaning, and that meaning is certainly not cute. No, “Poo” is to be avoided at all costs as the tomato and pepper business recently found out.

Why hasn’t the person who wrote this “Poo” book been censored; why is this book still available to young impressionable readers? This is more proof that the standards in this country are falling. When will it end, when there is a book named Winnie the Vomit?

GATHER UP AND RESIST; help us Poor Lucky Me, lead us against this decline of Western Civilization…
Sincerely,
I Am Poor But I Got Hope

Dear I Am Poor,
Whoah whoah no need to resist quite yet, although I admire your willingness to react. I think the confusion here comes from the difference between “Pooh” “Poo” and “Poop”. The book is actually Winnie the POOH, which is an acceptable term of endearment. Wikipedia tells us that Winnie the Pooh was based on a real toy bear, who’s arms stuck straight out at his sides. Because he couldn’t move his arms he had to blow flies off his snout- hence the onomatopoeic “Pooh”.

So rest assured that the demise of society is not a result of unfortunately named characters in children’s literature. I think it has something to do with Nascar and corn-syrup, but I’m not a scientist.
I hope this makes you feel a little better.
Best,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

Today is Administrative Professionals Day and I’m very conflicted. On one hand, I’d like a nice gift from my boss. On the other hand, if he implies that I am an Admin and not an Assistant Account Manager, I’ll have to go key his car. The same car that I have to take to get hand washed once a week.

I suppose I’ll be offended either way. What can I do to help myself?

Yours,

Crawling Up The Corporate Ladder

Dear Crawling,

Always hope for a gift, no matter what it implies.  The satisfaction gained from keying some one’s car will eventually be tempered by some guilt, and you don’t need that.  A gift will bring pleasure, even if it is followed rage.  In summation: pleasure and rage beat satisfaction and guilt every time.

I could be biased though, because I’m very pro gift.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I spent the majority of this decade paying off debt I acquired using the credit cards I signed up for in college to get the free tee shirts and water bottles.  Those water bottles were like gold.  I was like a junkie for anything that said Capital One.  I stopped seeing my friends and dropped out of all my business classes.  Mid semester I found myself wandering the campus, vacant eyed, swathed in Visa fannie packs and Citibank flip flops.  It was awful; I graduated with a degree in poetry.

But most gifts don’t lead to such deviant behavior.  If you work hard and show up on time, your boss will recognize your efforts.  Don’t get caught up in titles as long as you’re being treated with respect and paid what you’re worth.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I just read a story about a man who robbed an Old Navy store at gun point. (Click here for the article)

How much cash is in an Old Navy register? To make matters worse, I think he executed the job during a sale. Even if someone had just bought 50 pair of plaid shorts and Capri pants, he couldn’t have gotten away with much more than $250.  What is up with criminals these days?

Signed,

If I were a robber, I’d try to find a Banana Republic

Dear I’d Try to Find a Banana Republic,

Maybe the crappy education system in this country is actually a conspiracy to thwart criminals.  That would make some sense I guess.  I got pretty far in my formal education but if I see a price tag that says $9.95 I still say “It’s nine dollars” so I can’t really be very judgmental.  I would guess an Old Navy drawer probably only holds $350, but that can buy you a lot of crack rocks.  Trust me.

Old Navy makes me uncomfortable in the same way that Taco Bell makes me uncomfortable.  A tank top should no more cost $5 than a taco should cost 49 cents (where is the “cents” symbol on a keyboard?  Did they get rid of that or something?).  How cheap are the raw materials that make up these items?

It’s really creepy to think about especially if you load up your Netflix queue with leftist documentaries about the effects of globalism on third world nations or what the cows look like that come from corporate farms.  I have to spend a lot of time sobbing with guilt in my closet stuffed with clothes and emotionally eating in front of my well stocked refrigerator.  I also watch movies like “27 Dresses” and “Royal Wedding: Part II” to make myself feel better.

I’m sure the guy robbed an Old Navy because the people that work there couldn’t give a crap.  They were probably all back in the stock room napping and comparing American Idol notes.  You could set off a bomb in Old Navy and not cause injury to a single employee.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

My nephew has been staying with me for a little over a week.  His parents went on a trip and asked me to watch him.  He’s in high school and is pretty quiet, but keeps saying “Today is 4/20″ then dissolving into laughter.

Is this a drug thing or a sex thing or something from a TV show or what?  I know it’s something I should be aware of.  I’ve always considered myself pretty cool so I feel bad that I don’t get this one.

Yours Truly,

I Thought I Was The Cool Aunt

Dear I.T.I.W.T.C.A,

4/20 is the numerical symbol for all things marijuana.  Although it’s origins are shrouded in mystery, stupid stoners across the land have their own theories that they insist are true and will vehemently argue for until they lose interest and beg six buck off you to order a Jimmy Johns.  The trick is to always have an empty wallet when dealing with a hungry stoner, because they rarely come up with the idea to use your credit card.

The best way to combat this new development is to immediately integrate 4/20 and use it in very embarrassing ways.  Use it as much as you can, and also laugh hysterically.  Throw in a few elbow jabs if you can make it look natural.  He might not stop smoking weed, but he will certainly stop being so annoying in front of you.  Nothing squeezes the cool out of something like an adult doing it.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I was just watching TV and some one said that we lose a football field size of rain forest every hour.  Could that be true?  I didn’t realize people were still cutting it down, wasn’t that an issues in the 90′s?  How big is the rain forest anyway?  Hearing that statistic made me throw all my glass and plastic into the garbage with hopelessness.

Signed,

Getting Off The Band Wagon

Dear Getting Off,

I think that the commonly accepted estimate is that 1.2 billion acres of rain forest are left of the Amazonian Rain Forest.  The internet says that a football field is approximately 1.3 acres.  So I’m not a mathamatician, but it seems like there is still time to pull your recyclables out of the garbage and get back into saving the planet. 

People are still cutting the rain forest down.  In fact, I thing the Green Peace tools who camp out in front of my building must have cut a few acres down for their lame ass propaganda pamphlets.  I’m not saying that they don’t do important work, because I really don’t know what the hell they do.  I just know that they bother me when I’m trying to rush to my car for a quick nap when I say I’m going to the post office or to get lunch.  I really don’t need a guilt trip right before a nap.  

Anyway, keep trying to be environmentally conscious.  I think it’s worth the effort, if for nothing else than building a global community other than the ones built by McDonalds and Starbucks.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me