Lucky for you I happen to be working on a similar project of me own, so I have already done a lot of research.

Tomorrow, go over to the offending co-worker and in a friendly and open manner, offer to bring him or her a refreshing beverage from the vending machine. (NOTE: This gag works best with a soda or “pop” can, so try and time it right so the co-worker doesn’t ask for coffee.)

Once you select and purchase the drink, open the pull tab. Do not tamper with the contents. Walk back to you co-worker, laughing maniacally and snorting. Hand the can over without making eye contact, still snickering. Your opponent will be wary.

If they ask you if you’ve done something to the drink, act hurt. Insist that they drink it in front of you. Keep making a huge issue about it until they are very uncomfortable and freaked out.

Say things like “What do you think I’d do to your drink? Do you think there’s a reason I’d want to mess with you? Don’t you trust me?” When they finally relent and take a sip, clap your hand over your mouth and keep saying “Oh Damn!” over and over again. Laugh hysterically and gag a little between gasping for breath. When they ask what you’re laughing at, insist it’s nothing and walk quickly away.

This is a proven way to keep this person from wanting to have anything to do with you whatsoever.

I guess it’s sort of weird that they only have pictures of themselves, but I think we’ve got a different issue going on here. I think you might be threatened by their grownupism. Let’s chat about that.

Using coasters and not slobbing up your furniture is nothing to be afraid of. It doesn’t mean you have to get a mortgage or buy a new car or always wear clean clothes. It just means you’re willing to take baby steps without compromising yourself. Don’t waste your precious mental energy obsessing about other people’s foibles. You’re going to be ok.

I think you do have a bad habit going there, especially when there is so much to be said for living like an animal. Quitting smoking and volunteering and traveling are all wonderful, but I bet your life is wonderful in it’s own chaotic way.

I quit smoking years ago and I can’t tell you how much I envy people who still hang on to their habit. I mean I know it’s not healthful and it’s socially abhorrent, but those things make it ever so appealing. Especially to people like me who have shed most of their bad habits and are now committed to exercise and oatmeal over raging bad moods and red bull and vodkas on Wednesdays.

Sometimes I think being a grown up means being neither fit nor drunk enough not to care. But Trader Joe’s does make an instant oatmeal with dehydrated blueberries in it, so things could be worse.

Not knowing how to pronounce “hyperbole” or “voluptuous” doesn’t mean that you’re life is inferior. I mean I’m not that good at parking legally but I do always remember my dreams, and I feel like I offer something very special to society. We all have skills, or powers, or even superpowers. Sometimes I think my ability to talk about myself for entire evenings is like a hyper-super-power. And it’s an important element to the universe. In my opinion.

Don’t revise the present, live in it.

Using a public toilet is always the downfall of those trying to shelter themselves from the dregs of society. And by dregs, I mean anyone/anything not associates with the Louvre and caviar. So if you must use a public toilet you have to be tough.

I guess a worse thing to encounter would be a guy who ate a ton of asparagus, or one of those bathrooms where the stalls don’t have doors. Either of those situations would rattle me more than coffee-pee.

There are a litany of MUCH more disturbing things you could see in a bathroom, but I’m trying to keep my answer in the same vein as the question. If you started with “coffee” I’m not going to finish with “glory hole”.

I recommend always going home to use the bathroom. If your boss or supervisor can’t allow that, you should get a job working from home. At some point you may just have to concede because you don’t want to lose your job and end up homeless. The streets are like one never ending public toilet.

Although the internet has changed our lives in wonderful and drastic ways, it has also become a haven for perverts and rip off artists. Actually- rip off artists is a mislabel, because it doesn’t take a lot of art to copy and paste shit.

If so-called professional journalists at the New York Times will happily plagiarize bloggers, why wouldn’t some poor sparkle pumpkin photographer be ripped off all over town? And I refuse to condemn Martha Stewart…I REFUSE. She has suffered enough for petty crimes like insider trading.

I think either her art department has some questions to answer, or Better Home and Gardens is up to their usual subversive shenanigans. Those bastards will stop at NOTHING to compete with Martha, but they’ll never win. No amount of stolen pictures or ripped-off center piece ideas will ever put them in the same category as Martha Stewart. And I’m not saying this because I’m the biggest M.S. fan, I just really respect someone so capable of unobtrusive self promotion. Plus, I like her signature cocktail ideas.

Once I was having an actual hissy fit over a plagiarized-blog-situation. There’s a marked difference between an innocent mis-citing, and blatent theft of intellectual property. A wise friend advised me to try and stay calm. Some one who can’t manufacture their own ideas can’t go very far and they’ll be exposed eventually. And if they’re not exposed quickly, you can try and find out where they live and throw bags of dog poo at their car. Because that’s what plagiarizers deserve.

I’m not an expert in these matters, but my assumption is that neither porn aficionados nor pot heads are known for there sharp business sense and profit drive. I know that’s a huge generalization, but it seems realistic. Maybe there once were a lot of non-porn related head shops but they all closed down because they were run by stoners?

Anyway, isn’t this situation exactly why the internet was invented?

I admire your desire to operate with honesty and integrity. The media wants us all to believe that everyone is a scumbag and a liar, but that’s just not true. Look at you. You want to treat people with respect, even if you don’t like them. I’m impressed.

Some people would tell you to be really honest, and say something like: I just don’t feel like there is chemistry between us- or -I’m not ready to just date one girl right now. Those might seem like the right thing to say, but there is actually a lot of room for interpretation in honest statements. It’s counter-intuitive, but so is dating.

I think you should say- “I really enjoyed our time together but I realized I’m just not over my last relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to you if I wasn’t honest and I don’t want to waste your time. I hope you can respect that.”

The problem is that no matter what you say other than you’re not over your last girlfriend- the person is going to fall back on their usual insecurities. Some annoying girls think that the problem is that they’re fat. Some boring girls think that the problem is that they’re fat. Fatness is much less of a problem than vapid personalities or nonexistent social skills.

But you’re not here to change the world. You just want to let people down easy.

Congratulations on your decision to fly the coop. Bravo. No amount of free rent and mother’s cooking can make your wang feel ok after decades of not getting worked on. You didn’t mention how old you were, which makes me assume you are way past the age where it’s normal to live in one’s parent’s basement.

The first thing you need to do is put together a resume. Enlist your father’s help- it will give him such a thrill to know you are at least trying to try and get out of his house.

Next, you have to lower your expectations for your future title, level of glamor, salary, amount of respect you’ll get from your bosses and peers, amount of time off you’ll get, size of your office, and potential to move up in the company. Now you’re ready to hit the pavement!

Tell everyone you know that you’re ready to work hard and put the time in to make something of yourself. It doesn’t matter if your bullshitting, people appreciate you saying it. Scour the want ads in your local paper as well as in Craigslist, but be wary of potential pyramid schemes or modeling gigs where they start by taking normal photos but then make you take your top off.

Try and roll play some interview scenarios, because eventually you’ll get some responses from your resume. It will take a lot of work and persistence, but keep your goals in mind and I know you can do it!

Some scientists have proposed that we have have disrupted human evolution through the advancements of science and social welfare programs.   I think that what you’re describing is proof that evolution cannot be stopped.

If you are too stupid to a) research and confirm that your plastic surgeon has a medical degree or b) know that it’s probably not a good idea to inject your own ass with silicone or c) think it’s normal to get a bargain on any surgery, you are probably not fit to procreate or survive.

Unfortunately many of these people have already had children and will survive after costly and painful reconstruction.  I don’t mean that’s it’s unfortunate that they’ll survive, just that it’s a shame they are too stupid to avoid a bargain butcher in the first place.  Nature is a persistent bitch, and she’ll keep trying to find ways to thwart those unfit to further the human race.

I don’t think that the population is getting dumber.  I do think that dumb people have more access to credit and the media, which makes them think they should have giant boobs and Gucci purses even if they make $24,000.  And it’s not a gender issue, stupid men are doing stupid things as well.

In the olden days these people would be serfs, or in George W Bush’s administration.

Sincerely,