Work Place Solutions – Tuesday September 30

376377791_8db3262331Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I’ve had my desk in the far corner of my office for quite some time now. I really like being alone. I can eat whatever I want, pass gas, talk on the phone. It’s a paradise as far as cubicle placement goes.


Last week, the new person noticed that there were a couple open desks near me and has asked to move his work station. I would prefer he change his mind before he gets settled.


The move is taking place next Friday…any great ideas on how to nicely discourage him from changing desks?


Nothing Too Gross Or Mean Please


Dear Nothing Too,


Lucky for you I happen to be working on a similar project of me own, so I have already done a lot of research.


Tomorrow, go over to the offending co-worker and in a friendly and open manner, offer to bring him or her a refreshing beverage from the vending machine. (NOTE: This gag works best with a soda or “pop” can, so try and time it right so the co-worker doesn’t ask for coffee.)


Once you select and purchase the drink, open the pull tab. Do not tamper with the contents. Walk back to you co-worker, laughing maniacally and snorting. Hand the can over without making eye contact, still snickering. Your opponent will be wary.


If they ask you if you’ve done something to the drink, act hurt. Insist that they drink it in front of you. Keep making a huge issue about it until they are very uncomfortable and freaked out.


Say things like “What do you think I’d do to your drink? Do you think there’s a reason I’d want to mess with you? Don’t you trust me?” When they finally relent and take a sip, clap your hand over your mouth and keep saying “Oh Damn!” over and over again. Laugh hysterically and gag a little between gasping for breath. When they ask what you’re laughing at, insist it’s nothing and walk quickly away.


This is a proven way to keep this person from wanting to have anything to do with you whatsoever.


Poor Lucky Me

Adult Onset Terror – Monday September 28th

Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I have a close friend who has recently married a lovely woman. They live in a big house and have decorated it in a very adult way. Like all the furniture matches and everything, which is nice. It’s nice as long as you don’t put your feet on the furniture and always use a coaster. Anyway, the point is, the only pictures they have in their house are just of the two of them. On vacation, at the Colts game, in go carts…you get the idea.


Don’t you think that’s weird? No pics of their families of friends or anything. Do you think that’s weird? Maybe I’m just overreacting or being sensitive, but I can’t stop thinking about it.
What do you think?


Yours Truly,


Dear Obsessed,


I guess it’s sort of weird that they only have pictures of themselves, but I think we’ve got a different issue going on here. I think you might be threatened by their grownupism. Let’s chat about that.


Using coasters and not slobbing up your furniture is nothing to be afraid of. It doesn’t mean you have to get a mortgage or buy a new car or always wear clean clothes. It just means you’re willing to take baby steps without compromising yourself. Don’t waste your precious mental energy obsessing about other people’s foibles. You’re going to be ok.


Poor Lucky Me

Dishonest Living – Friday September 25th

Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I like to tell people that I’ve quit smoking or that I’m on a low carb diet or that I work out six times a day or that I read the dictionary- ten pages a night. I say that I travel to Europe once a year at least, I say that I haven’t eaten red meat in ten years, I say that I volunteer for several organizations benefiting children and animals.


I say these things for a few important reasons: to make myself look better, to inspire myself, and to make other people feel inferior to me. Do you think this is a bad habit to maintain? In reality I live like a total animal.


Not Exactly Lying, Just Revising the Present


Dear Not Exactly,


I think you do have a bad habit going there, especially when there is so much to be said for living like an animal. Quitting smoking and volunteering and traveling are all wonderful, but I bet your life is wonderful in it’s own chaotic way.


I quit smoking years ago and I can’t tell you how much I envy people who still hang on to their habit. I mean I know it’s not healthful and it’s socially abhorrent, but those things make it ever so appealing. Especially to people like me who have shed most of their bad habits and are now committed to exercise and oatmeal over raging bad moods and red bull and vodkas on Wednesdays.


Sometimes I think being a grown up means being neither fit nor drunk enough not to care. But Trader Joe’s does make an instant oatmeal with dehydrated blueberries in it, so things could be worse.


Not knowing how to pronounce “hyperbole” or “voluptuous” doesn’t mean that you’re life is inferior. I mean I’m not that good at parking legally but I do always remember my dreams, and I feel like I offer something very special to society. We all have skills, or powers, or even superpowers. Sometimes I think my ability to talk about myself for entire evenings is like a hyper-super-power. And it’s an important element to the universe. In my opinion.


Don’t revise the present, live in it.


Poor Lucky Me

Middle Class Problems – Thursday September 24th

18286155_96153fb6aaDear Poor Lucky Me,


I am a thirty five year old white male with a well respected position in a good company. I enjoy the finer things in life: lobster, designer shoes, the Louvre. But there is a scenario I fear so much the very thought of it makes me want to hide under my desk and cry. And its unavoidable.


Can you think of anything worse than for me to have to use the urinal after some one who has clearly just polished off a Venti Starbucks coffee? Being so intimate with another man’s digestion is really too much for me to handle.


With Respect,
Tea Only


Dear Tea Only,


Using a public toilet is always the downfall of those trying to shelter themselves from the dregs of society. And by dregs, I mean anyone/anything not associates with the Louvre and caviar. So if you must use a public toilet you have to be tough.


I guess a worse thing to encounter would be a guy who ate a ton of asparagus, or one of those bathrooms where the stalls don’t have doors. Either of those situations would rattle me more than coffee-pee.


There are a litany of MUCH more disturbing things you could see in a bathroom, but I’m trying to keep my answer in the same vein as the question. If you started with “coffee” I’m not going to finish with “glory hole”.


I recommend always going home to use the bathroom. If your boss or supervisor can’t allow that, you should get a job working from home. At some point you may just have to concede because you don’t want to lose your job and end up homeless. The streets are like one never ending public toilet.


Poor Lucky Me

Plagerized Pumpkins – Wednesday September 23

2974972859_a00d096875Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I was recently dazzled by the various fall pumpkin carving suggestions and designs that I found on There was an entire photo gallery of Victorian pumpkins with lace, fancy glittered pumpkins, glorious pumpkins embellished with upholstery tacks, and on and on. Simply amazing.


Later, while surfing the Better Homes & Gardens web site, imagine my surprise when I came across several of THE EXACT SAME pumpkin photos.


What the hell is going on?


Is there some supreme pumpkin decorating being that creates these designs then sells them to whores like Martha Stewart and Better Home & Gardens? Is it all just a sham, one big creative commodity that gets ripped off or plagiarized? I rarely say this, but where are the lawyers on this one?


I repeat: What the hell is going on?


Gourd Help Me


Dear Gourd Help Me,


Although the internet has changed our lives in wonderful and drastic ways, it has also become a haven for perverts and rip off artists. Actually- rip off artists is a mislabel, because it doesn’t take a lot of art to copy and paste shit.


If so-called professional journalists at the New York Times will happily plagiarize bloggers, why wouldn’t some poor sparkle pumpkin photographer be ripped off all over town? And I refuse to condemn Martha Stewart…I REFUSE. She has suffered enough for petty crimes like insider trading.


I think either her art department has some questions to answer, or Better Home and Gardens is up to their usual subversive shenanigans. Those bastards will stop at NOTHING to compete with Martha, but they’ll never win. No amount of stolen pictures or ripped-off center piece ideas will ever put them in the same category as Martha Stewart. And I’m not saying this because I’m the biggest M.S. fan, I just really respect someone so capable of unobtrusive self promotion. Plus, I like her signature cocktail ideas.


Once I was having an actual hissy fit over a plagiarized-blog-situation. There’s a marked difference between an innocent mis-citing, and blatent theft of intellectual property. A wise friend advised me to try and stay calm. Some one who can’t manufacture their own ideas can’t go very far and they’ll be exposed eventually. And if they’re not exposed quickly, you can try and find out where they live and throw bags of dog poo at their car. Because that’s what plagiarizers deserve.


Poor Lucky Me

Deviant Dislikes Labels – Tuesday September 22nd

Dear Poor Lucky Me,


Why do head shops have to also be porn shops? Who was the (obviously) non-pot smoker who decided to combine these two specialties into one giant uncomfortable store and why did it take off as the trend around the nation?


Aren’t stoners awkward enough without having to navigate around strap-ons and hard core videos? And why do porn connoisseurs have to be lumped in with other socially deviant behavior?


Some people just like to smoke grass, and some people just like to watch anal fetish videos.


Am I right?


Just Trying to Get By With Minimal Awkwardness




I’m not an expert in these matters, but my assumption is that neither porn aficionados nor pot heads are known for there sharp business sense and profit drive. I know that’s a huge generalization, but it seems realistic. Maybe there once were a lot of non-porn related head shops but they all closed down because they were run by stoners?


Anyway, isn’t this situation exactly why the internet was invented?


Poor Lucky Me

Damn You Tucker Max!! – Monday September 21st

273524604_96d4844036I sat watching television. It had been a long week at work and I found comfort in petting my dog, drinking a glass of wine, and watching “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” with my roommate (who finds my commentary on all television shows hilarious. He doesn’t say as much, but I can just tell).


Then: a tear in the very fabric of my universe. It was an ad for the movie of “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” which is based on the best selling book by the same name, which is based off the internet essays based on the zany escapades of Tucker Max.


Also known as my arch enemy.
Also known as Douche-bag Supreme.
Also known as That Guy I’m Jealous of.


To those familiar with Tucker Max’ writings, you may misinterpret my jealousy. I don’t envy his drunken sexual exploits or his wild disregard for social niceties or his feverish insistence that he gets blow jobs at the turn of every corner.


In fact, I’m jealous that his stupid, crappily written, predictable stories have been emailed around the earth a countless number of times, made into a book, and made into a movie. I know it took him years to cultivate a big audience, and I know he is a total tool. But still. It makes an aspiring famous writer question oneself.


Should I be writing more about stupid, demeaning, dangerous things? What if I’m too old to do stupid, demeaning or dangerous things? Should I be writing more about watching T.V. and being frustrating about the amount of sodium in frozen food entrees?


I could write about the stupid shit I did in high school and college, but I know it won’t measure up to the stuff that serious partiers did. I mostly read books and went to academic lectures, like Ray Bradbury, Noam Chomsky, and Kurt Vonnegut. I also watched a lot of episodes of Blind Date. Hardly the stuff of infamy.


Sigh. I guess I just have to stick to the plan. Keep writing, be open and honest, and make a live-sized voodoo doll of Tucker Max.

The First Date Break Up – Friday September 18th

1370643439_edd0275cb4Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I’m newly single after a long and stupid relationship. Dating comes pretty naturally to me and I enjoy meeting new people. The problem is, when you date a lot, you have to let people down a lot. And I hate that.


I don’t want to be one of those guys who just never calls a girl again and increases her already prominent insecurities. But I’m also not going to go on a second date with some one I’m not interested in.


What is the best way to let someone down with honesty, integrity and sensitivity?


Dating in Denver

Dear Dating,


I admire your desire to operate with honesty and integrity. The media wants us all to believe that everyone is a scumbag and a liar, but that’s just not true. Look at you. You want to treat people with respect, even if you don’t like them. I’m impressed.


Some people would tell you to be really honest, and say something like: I just don’t feel like there is chemistry between us- or -I’m not ready to just date one girl right now. Those might seem like the right thing to say, but there is actually a lot of room for interpretation in honest statements. It’s counter-intuitive, but so is dating.


I think you should say- “I really enjoyed our time together but I realized I’m just not over my last relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to you if I wasn’t honest and I don’t want to waste your time. I hope you can respect that.”


The problem is that no matter what you say other than you’re not over your last girlfriend- the person is going to fall back on their usual insecurities. Some annoying girls think that the problem is that they’re fat. Some boring girls think that the problem is that they’re fat. Fatness is much less of a problem than vapid personalities or nonexistent social skills.


But you’re not here to change the world. You just want to let people down easy.


Poor Lucky Me

Leaving the Nest – Thursday September 17th

1864823746_d6bb92c305Dear Poor Lucky Me,


Maybe it’s time I took a look at what it would take for me to grow up. I’m an only child and the apple of my mother’s eye. She has agreed to let me set up an apartment in my parent’s basement, despite my father’s loud disapproval.


Although I very much enjoy my lifestyle, I feel bad putting a strain on my parent’s relationship. Also I can’t seem to get any ladies to come home with me, which is weird because there is a pool table and a flat screen tv down here.


So, I know I need a job…but what job? And where do I find one? And what else to I have to do?


A Virgin Underground


Dear A.V.D.,


Congratulations on your decision to fly the coop. Bravo. No amount of free rent and mother’s cooking can make your wang feel ok after decades of not getting worked on. You didn’t mention how old you were, which makes me assume you are way past the age where it’s normal to live in one’s parent’s basement.


The first thing you need to do is put together a resume. Enlist your father’s help- it will give him such a thrill to know you are at least trying to try and get out of his house.


Next, you have to lower your expectations for your future title, level of glamor, salary, amount of respect you’ll get from your bosses and peers, amount of time off you’ll get, size of your office, and potential to move up in the company. Now you’re ready to hit the pavement!


Tell everyone you know that you’re ready to work hard and put the time in to make something of yourself. It doesn’t matter if your bullshitting, people appreciate you saying it. Scour the want ads in your local paper as well as in Craigslist, but be wary of potential pyramid schemes or modeling gigs where they start by taking normal photos but then make you take your top off.


Try and roll play some interview scenarios, because eventually you’ll get some responses from your resume. It will take a lot of work and persistence, but keep your goals in mind and I know you can do it!


Poor Lucky Me

Cheap Cuts – Wednesday September 16

2954271099_1596dc48e4Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I just read an article about a new phenomenon: people getting back alley or do-it-yourself plastic surgery!  After I finished shuddering and vomiting, I wondered what in the hell is going on is the world?  Are people really becoming stupider by the day?  Who in the hell gets a back alley tummy tuck?





Dear Stunned,


Some scientists have proposed that we have have disrupted human evolution through the advancements of science and social welfare programs.   I think that what you’re describing is proof that evolution cannot be stopped.


If you are too stupid to a) research and confirm that your plastic surgeon has a medical degree or b) know that it’s probably not a good idea to inject your own ass with silicone or c) think it’s normal to get a bargain on any surgery, you are probably not fit to procreate or survive.


Unfortunately many of these people have already had children and will survive after costly and painful reconstruction.  I don’t mean that’s it’s unfortunate that they’ll survive, just that it’s a shame they are too stupid to avoid a bargain butcher in the first place.  Nature is a persistent bitch, and she’ll keep trying to find ways to thwart those unfit to further the human race.


I don’t think that the population is getting dumber.  I do think that dumb people have more access to credit and the media, which makes them think they should have giant boobs and Gucci purses even if they make $24,000.  And it’s not a gender issue, stupid men are doing stupid things as well.


In the olden days these people would be serfs, or in George W Bush’s administration.



Poor Luck Me

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