I called my doctor’s office this morning and told the receptionist my name, doctor’s name, and that no one had called me yet to schedule my cerclage. I will be 14 weeks on Friday, and my whatsitcalled needs to get sewed up next week. The woman on the phone replied: “Now could you please explain what a cerclage is? I’m not familiar with that term.”
I asked to speak with a nurse.
The nurse called me back and told me I was scheduled to get the cerclage at 7 am on July 5th, and that I would have to spend the day in bed. I huffed and puffed that July 5th was not a good day for me to miss work and couldn’t we go another day and what were my options?
She told me that the cerclage would go in Tuesday July 5th.
I’m finally realizing that when you’re having pregnancy complications or are high risk you don’t get to make a lot of your own decisions. Simultaneously while being told that I’m “older now” by every person related to the medical field, I’m having my schedule arranged, being poked and prodded, having my genes tested- with no one at all interested in my input. I suppose the point is if something goes wrong, the professionals are managing the whole thing.
It’s frustrating too, because unless you’ve been through this it’s impossible to relate. When people say, “it’s really unlikely that anything will go wrong” I have to explain that if there is one chance in 300,000,000 that something could go wrong…well…that’s all you need. There only needs to be one person for one thing to go wrong, and there’s no reason that shouldn’t be me. When you already had something go wrong, when you have held your child while he dies in your arms, it no longer seems out of the realm of possibilities that you’ll be the one person.
There are possible complications that could arise from the cerclage. I could miscarry, I could develop a serious infection, the stitches could tear later in the pregnancy if I go into labor. But the scariest part about it is that now everything is real. I thought I didn’t have to start worrying until 20 weeks, but that was wishful thinking. Sometimes I think this is our only shot, because I don’t know if I can get through much more pain and fear and detached panic (I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but that’s how it feels). I’ve spend so much mental and physical energy hoping and worrying, that if something goes wrong during this pregnancy I don’t know what will be left of me.
Tragedies and joys are the loveliest and loneliest times of your life. You see who your friends are, you see who wants to understand what you’re going through. Ultimately though your life is only your journey. Even Tom G has had his own journey through this grief and subsequent joy. As my belly grows and my worries compound and multiple and intensify, I will try and remember what I already survived. I will try and keep hoping.