Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I’m at the doctor’s office as I write this, sitting here naked except for the stupid toilet-paper gown they put you in, and I have to wonder what the hell is the deal? Is it really necessary that I strip down and sit on a butcher-paper covered table for a half hour for a checkup? I’m not here for surgery or a colonoscopy or something, just a checkup. Blood pressure, maybe cholesterol screening or whatever, all of which could be easily completed in the pants and shirt I was wearing.

So I ask, PLM, is this some kind of psychological maneuver to get you to accept what the doctor has to say without question, or is there some valid reason I’m dressed like a badly wrapped deli sandwich?

Yours,
Pantless and Perplexed in Denver

Dear Pantless,
I’m pretty sure the paper gowns are to promote good hygiene- you can never be sure that some one is wearing clean clothes. Even if they let you get close enough for a sniff, a few shots of Fabreeze right before a person goes out can be very deceiving. In face, I have instituted an all paper clothes rule in my own home. I’m not germaphobic, I just don’t want to be expected to be wearing clean clothes every single time some one comes to my home. This way the playing field is even. You can’t be all hoity toity about your dry cleaned outfit if we’re all sitting around the living room drinking Fanta in paper gowns and booties.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
In my opinion it is too difficult to remember which months have 30 days and which have 31. February has 28! It’s so stupid and intentionally confusing in my opinion.

I know there’s some stupid song you can learn to remember but my brain is busy remembering all the songs from Led Zepplin Houses of the Holy.

You’ve got to agree with me.

Signed,
Just Looking For Confirmation

Dear Just Looking For Confirmation,

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

10 Things I Think I Invented Despite What The Internet Says

1. The John Daly (Iced Tea, Lemonade, Vodka)

2. The Dictionary. Mine is smaller than the one you buy in a book store and contains more swear words, but I came up with the idea ages ago.

3. HDTV. Seriously, ask my mom. I totally invented that.

4. Peanut Butter, Bacon, Mayo and Tomato Sandwiches. It’s NOT a BLT.

5. That move that Kanye did where you get all wasted and stagger onto the stage and grab the mic out of someone else’s hand and start blathering about something. I do that all the time.

6. Tricked out hub caps. I did my own with a glue gun and sequins. I don’t know who’s idea it was to make them chrome but it’s pretty sweet.

7. Horse diapers.

8. Solar power. I guess technically I didn’t invent the sun. But it was my idea to use the sun to do stuff.

9. The iPhone. Ever since I got an iPod I wold use it on the EL to deter homeless people and religious types from approaching me. I would just hold it up to my head and talk into it AS IF it was a phone. People would either believe it was a phone and leave me alone or think I was insane and leave me alone. Obviously, I was pretty shocked when Apple stole my idea.

10. The movie Avatar. I’d been talking forever about making a movie with kick ass special effects and 3D and a story line so boring and contrived that it allows stupid people to feel like they got the symbolism and smart people to scoff at the plot-line but still feel like their liberal political ideals had been addressed.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I used to be surprised when I would read a news story online and see the crazy comments that people would post on both sides of an issue like “gays at the prom” or “pictures of the prophet”. These people that claim to be religious would say the most hateful things you could imagine.

I chalked it up to crazy fundamentalist Christians and Muslims and figured that at least the Eastern Religions have tolerance, that is until I read this story about Akon, a Sri Lankan who filmed a video for “Sexy Chick”. Now there are Buddhists protesting and they have even started a Facebook page titled “We Hate Akon”.

If the Buddhists have gone this way, are we all screwed?

I realize that religion topics can be difficult, but can’t we all just get along?

Yours Truly,
Hopeful

Dear Hopeful,
I have to be honest, this is a really loaded question for me. I try and come off as very balanced and normal on this website, but there are a few topics that when they come up I immediately out myself as “irrational” or ” reactionary”. Religion is the main offending topic. (others include but are not limited to: People who think Family Guy is better than the Simpsons, People who love the show Two and a Half Men, Lady Gaga, Dick Cheney, and The Time the Evangelicals Outed the Purple Teletubby)

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I keep seeing these tax-preparation commercials on TV. You know, the ones where they tell you if you do your taxes yourself you’ll miss deductions and so you have to go to H&R Block or whatever?

Anyway, I’m confused, I thought we didn’t have to pay taxes. Is that wrong? It’s voluntary right? I mean I pay sales tax and whatnot, just not the ones where you have to fill out all the paperwork.

Am I in trouble?

-Name Withheld

Dear Name Withheld,
Many things in adulthood are very confusing, especially if you were properly sheltered and coddled as a teenager. For instance, after college it came as a shock to me that I had to pay my own car insurance and credit card bills. No one told me that a time would come when those bills would come crashing down on my meager salary.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

The party got out of hand...

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I had to take my car to the shop- it’s only 4 months old but there was a wiring problem and the radio was fuzzy. They made me come back twice before finally giving me a loaner car. The loaner was such a P.O.S. I was afraid to drive it on the highway. I could feel it rattling! I was really annoyed. The worst part is that it had advertisements for the dealership all over it. Am I overreacting?

Signed,
I Tend To Overreact

Dear I Tend To Overreact,

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I work in a very open, communal office space. We recently hired a woman who talks all day long about nothing and everything. She chats non-stop about her cat, her recent car crash, past work experiences, and on and on. She one-ups everyone in every conversation and is an expert in every possible category.

I have politely asked her to quiet down. I’ve given her gestures to suggest she should be more quiet, but she is not getting these hints. It is to the point where I am afraid I am going to explode and offer her a huge cup of shut the hell up.

How can I get her to keep her yapper shut?

Thank you.
Is Violence The Answer?

Dear Violence,
This is not good. I’m assuming that pretending not to speak English is not a feasible solution for you. Unfortunately this anti-social behavior usually comes from low self esteem, and that is a really hard disease to cure. Aside from sarcastic comments and big eye rolls, I think you’ll have to be more manipulative.

Best,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I’ve encountered many people in my life whose names contain what is called the “dental fricative,” otherwise known as the “TH” sound. People with names like “Keith,” or “Beth,” or “Thermon.”

I’ve also encountered various people in my life who have a hard time pronouncing this sound, and it comes out sounding like an “F.”

Sometimes I lie awake at night wondering what will happen if I meet one of these people, and their name is “Barth.”

How can I be sure of the correct pronunciation without offending?

Signed,
Nervously

Dear Nervously,

Best,
Poor Lucky Me

I make everyone uncomfortable

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I can’t watch black and white films…they make me uncomfortable. And bored. People look at me like I am nuts when I tell them this about myself.

Am I un-cultured because I prefer a little color in my life?

Singed,
Technicolor

Dear Technicolor,
Maybe you’re so cultured that you just blew everyone’s mind. Black and white movies? That’s not any kind of litmus test of refinement. It just sounds like an excuse for people who won’t try and learn a foreign language or travel or read the New York Times, so they have come up with some arbitrary thing they can do and use it to make people feel inferior.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me