The Things We Do Without Question – Wednesday March 31st


Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I’m at the doctor’s office as I write this, sitting here naked except for the stupid toilet-paper gown they put you in, and I have to wonder what the hell is the deal? Is it really necessary that I strip down and sit on a butcher-paper covered table for a half hour for a checkup? I’m not here for surgery or a colonoscopy or something, just a checkup. Blood pressure, maybe cholesterol screening or whatever, all of which could be easily completed in the pants and shirt I was wearing.


So I ask, PLM, is this some kind of psychological maneuver to get you to accept what the doctor has to say without question, or is there some valid reason I’m dressed like a badly wrapped deli sandwich?


Pantless and Perplexed in Denver


Dear Pantless,
I’m pretty sure the paper gowns are to promote good hygiene- you can never be sure that some one is wearing clean clothes. Even if they let you get close enough for a sniff, a few shots of Fabreeze right before a person goes out can be very deceiving. In face, I have instituted an all paper clothes rule in my own home. I’m not germaphobic, I just don’t want to be expected to be wearing clean clothes every single time some one comes to my home. This way the playing field is even. You can’t be all hoity toity about your dry cleaned outfit if we’re all sitting around the living room drinking Fanta in paper gowns and booties.


I think this is something that might catch on professionally as well. Business suits are both confining and difficult to travel with. A paper gown- or better yet- paper shorts and a paper tank top- can go with you anywhere! I know what you’re thinking- why not scrubs? Sure, they could be more comfortable and hold less risk of exposing your buttocks, but then you might as well wear clothes. And you know that people would start wearing designer scrubs, or silk scrubs, scrubs lined with fur. We should just stick to the paper.


So look out for that in the coming decades.


Poor Lucky Me

Calendar Confounds – Tuesday March 30th

3502259012_52633fae81Dear Poor Lucky Me,
In my opinion it is too difficult to remember which months have 30 days and which have 31. February has 28! It’s so stupid and intentionally confusing in my opinion.


I know there’s some stupid song you can learn to remember but my brain is busy remembering all the songs from Led Zepplin Houses of the Holy.


You’ve got to agree with me.


Just Looking For Confirmation


Dear Just Looking For Confirmation,


I do agree with you. There’s probably some scientific reason that the calender is set up that way…something about the lunar such and such or the minutes in a year. The bottom line is that in today’s fast paced world I cannot be expected to learn how many days are in each month and how to prepare a PowerPoint presentation.


For the record, I don’t know how to prepare a PowerPoint presentation.


Poor Lucky Me

LIST- Monday March 29th


10 Things I Think I Invented Despite What The Internet Says


1. The John Daly (Iced Tea, Lemonade, Vodka)


2. The Dictionary. Mine is smaller than the one you buy in a book store and contains more swear words, but I came up with the idea ages ago.


3. HDTV. Seriously, ask my mom. I totally invented that.


4. Peanut Butter, Bacon, Mayo and Tomato Sandwiches. It’s NOT a BLT.


5. That move that Kanye did where you get all wasted and stagger onto the stage and grab the mic out of someone else’s hand and start blathering about something. I do that all the time.


6. Tricked out hub caps. I did my own with a glue gun and sequins. I don’t know who’s idea it was to make them chrome but it’s pretty sweet.


7. Horse diapers.


8. Solar power. I guess technically I didn’t invent the sun. But it was my idea to use the sun to do stuff.


9. The iPhone. Ever since I got an iPod I wold use it on the EL to deter homeless people and religious types from approaching me. I would just hold it up to my head and talk into it AS IF it was a phone. People would either believe it was a phone and leave me alone or think I was insane and leave me alone. Obviously, I was pretty shocked when Apple stole my idea.


10. The movie Avatar. I’d been talking forever about making a movie with kick ass special effects and 3D and a story line so boring and contrived that it allows stupid people to feel like they got the symbolism and smart people to scoff at the plot-line but still feel like their liberal political ideals had been addressed.


Religious Intolerance – Friday March 26th


Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I used to be surprised when I would read a news story online and see the crazy comments that people would post on both sides of an issue like “gays at the prom” or “pictures of the prophet”. These people that claim to be religious would say the most hateful things you could imagine.


I chalked it up to crazy fundamentalist Christians and Muslims and figured that at least the Eastern Religions have tolerance, that is until I read this story about Akon, a Sri Lankan who filmed a video for “Sexy Chick”. Now there are Buddhists protesting and they have even started a Facebook page titled “We Hate Akon”.


If the Buddhists have gone this way, are we all screwed?


I realize that religion topics can be difficult, but can’t we all just get along?


Yours Truly,


Dear Hopeful,
I have to be honest, this is a really loaded question for me. I try and come off as very balanced and normal on this website, but there are a few topics that when they come up I immediately out myself as “irrational” or ” reactionary”. Religion is the main offending topic. (others include but are not limited to: People who think Family Guy is better than the Simpsons, People who love the show Two and a Half Men, Lady Gaga, Dick Cheney, and The Time the Evangelicals Outed the Purple Teletubby)


That being said, I watched the video and I think the AP has misinterpreted the outrage generated by the video. I’m pretty sure that the reason people hate Akron is because this is one of the most annoying videos/songs I have ever seen/heard. I mean really, I’d rather listen to “Poker Face” for a week straight then be subjected to this crap one more time. Seriously. My dog shot a cooler video when I strapped a video camera to her back at the park and played chop sticks on my old Casio keyboard.


So do not despair. Organized religion still has it’s problems (see how reserved I’m being about my hot-button issue?) but this particular incident is more about crap pop-culture than religious intolerance.


Poor Lucky Me

No Taxation Without Information – Thursday March 25th


Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I keep seeing these tax-preparation commercials on TV. You know, the ones where they tell you if you do your taxes yourself you’ll miss deductions and so you have to go to H&R Block or whatever?


Anyway, I’m confused, I thought we didn’t have to pay taxes. Is that wrong? It’s voluntary right? I mean I pay sales tax and whatnot, just not the ones where you have to fill out all the paperwork.


Am I in trouble?


-Name Withheld


Dear Name Withheld,
Many things in adulthood are very confusing, especially if you were properly sheltered and coddled as a teenager. For instance, after college it came as a shock to me that I had to pay my own car insurance and credit card bills. No one told me that a time would come when those bills would come crashing down on my meager salary.


I also had rude awakening to the following events: being required to get my emissions tested, paying for doctor’s bills, feeding myself, awakening myself. These are things that a healthy childhood just do not prepare you for. Slowly throughout my 20′s it finally dawned on me that I would need to make a list. It’s titled: Grown Up Business. Sadly the list has grown longer and longer, to now include: contributing to a retirement account, establishing a savings account, renters insurance, bathing daily. But I get more used to it and enjoy accomplishing things.


I’m afraid you might be in trouble. I advise you to contact a tax attorney right away. The sooner you clear up your past mistakes the better. You’ll be ok, just get your list started.


Poor Lucky Me

Can’t Stands No More – Wednesday March 24th

The party got out of hand...

The party got out of hand...

Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I had to take my car to the shop- it’s only 4 months old but there was a wiring problem and the radio was fuzzy. They made me come back twice before finally giving me a loaner car. The loaner was such a P.O.S. I was afraid to drive it on the highway. I could feel it rattling! I was really annoyed. The worst part is that it had advertisements for the dealership all over it. Am I overreacting?


I Tend To Overreact


Dear I Tend To Overreact,


Not only are you reacting appropriately, but you are exposing those car dealership bastards!


The last time I had to get a loaner car they acted like such turds when I returned it because I had Sharpied out all the stupid bumper stickers advertising the dealership. I was doing them a favor though- because if I were them I wouldn’t want anyone to notice how often loaner cars have to go out while they fix the overpriced crap car they sold someone three months ago. I also spilled a Slurpie on the radio and shorted out the dashboard electronics, but I don’t really see how that’s my fault.


What? Are you never supposed to eat or drink or cry or sleep or vomit or breed feeder mice or urinate or allow homeless people to camp out in the loaner car? This is America! We won’t stand to be oppressed by arbitrary rules anymore. Who cares if I’m planning to host a bachelor party in the backseat of the loaner car? Is that crime?


Hey speaking of that bachelor party, I wonder if it’s a bad idea to serve ribs. Is that too messy for a Kia Sophia?


Poor Lucky Me

Dear Readers,
Is Bill O’Reilly for real? I tried watching his show last night, just to see what he had to say. I decided that he must a kidding- like Stephan Colbert.


Poor Lucky Me

Big Mouth Bothers – Tuesday March 23rd

00ee8a3a94b4ff48Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I work in a very open, communal office space. We recently hired a woman who talks all day long about nothing and everything. She chats non-stop about her cat, her recent car crash, past work experiences, and on and on. She one-ups everyone in every conversation and is an expert in every possible category.


I have politely asked her to quiet down. I’ve given her gestures to suggest she should be more quiet, but she is not getting these hints. It is to the point where I am afraid I am going to explode and offer her a huge cup of shut the hell up.


How can I get her to keep her yapper shut?


Thank you.
Is Violence The Answer?


Dear Violence,
This is not good. I’m assuming that pretending not to speak English is not a feasible solution for you. Unfortunately this anti-social behavior usually comes from low self esteem, and that is a really hard disease to cure. Aside from sarcastic comments and big eye rolls, I think you’ll have to be more manipulative.


Start by leaning in one day and kicking up a conversation about some one else in your office- we’ll call her Kathy for the sake of this exercise. Consider letting Kathy in on this technique, in case the offender busts you out.


Describe to the offender all the things that SHE does- “Doesn’t it drive you crazy when Kathy talks so loudly on the phone about all aspects of her personal life?” The real offender will agree and be relieved to be given positive attention for once. Then say- “I hope that some one would give me a signal if I ever did annoying crap like that.” You’ll get an enthusiastic nod and possibly a boring story. When you can cut in say- “Let’s make signals we can give each other when the other person is being too loud, because I don’t want to be bothersome to people. We can trust each other to be honest.” She’ll be on board at this point. Make up a little signal that you two can share- a wink, a tap on the head, etc.


This woman will be so delighted to be paid attention to that she’ll want to please you. She will love having a secret little game with you. Plus, once you endear yourself to her, you can be more direct- like saying “Maybe you should start a blog about your cat and your car accident, because more people will be able to know about it.”


If this trick doesn’t work, you should start talking much louder whenever she’s on the phone, and whisper when you speak to her in person.


Poor Lucky Me

Dangerous Spelling -Monday March 22


Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I’ve encountered many people in my life whose names contain what is called the “dental fricative,” otherwise known as the “TH” sound. People with names like “Keith,” or “Beth,” or “Thermon.”


I’ve also encountered various people in my life who have a hard time pronouncing this sound, and it comes out sounding like an “F.”


Sometimes I lie awake at night wondering what will happen if I meet one of these people, and their name is “Barth.”


How can I be sure of the correct pronunciation without offending?




Dear Nervously,


The English language can be intimidating. I admire your knowledge of pronunciation and your sensitivity. There are is a good trick you can try to ease your anxiety. If you encounter someone who’s name you’re not sure of, say “what an interesting name, would you spell that for me?”.


Be aware though, it can backfire. Once I was on the phone with a guy and I said: “Ok let me write this down- will you do me a favor and spell your name for me? I’m the worst speller!” After a pregnant pause he said “Sure it’s M-I-K-E S-M-I-T-H”. I guess I should have taken a stab at pronouncing that one. Well better safe then sorry.


As far as offending people, I think that your intentions are good and that’s the best you can do. No matter how sensitive you are, you may still come across the Anferny’s and A’toole DaSchmuck’s of the world. Poor A’toole, he was such an angry guy.


Some people are looking for things to be offended by, but other people want to connect and be understood. Sometimes I think that people who take serious offense to good intentions are doing you a favor- they’re telling you a lot about themselves. Just be nice, be caring, be patient with everyone you meet no matter how the react to you. That’s the best any of can do.


Poor Lucky Me

A Grey Area – Friday March 19th

I make everyone uncomfortable

I make everyone uncomfortable

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I can’t watch black and white films…they make me uncomfortable. And bored. People look at me like I am nuts when I tell them this about myself.


Am I un-cultured because I prefer a little color in my life?




Dear Technicolor,
Maybe you’re so cultured that you just blew everyone’s mind. Black and white movies? That’s not any kind of litmus test of refinement. It just sounds like an excuse for people who won’t try and learn a foreign language or travel or read the New York Times, so they have come up with some arbitrary thing they can do and use it to make people feel inferior.


Beware of anyone trying to make judgements about “sophistication” and “culture”. As long as you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom, use silverware, read a couple non-Twilght books a year and keep your reality TV conversation to a minimum, you’re fine.


Poor Lucky Me

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