Nice but Needy – Monday August 31

3719763981_84fab0f2ffDear Poor Lucky Me,


I’m an honest person who has lived a crime-free life.  However, I feel sort of jealous of people who get parole officers.  I think it would be comforting and encouraging to have the extra support.  I’d like to be looked after and checked up on…even randomly drug tested.  It would help keep me on the straight and narrow.


What do you think?  Should I approach my local law enforcement headquarters?  I’d be willing to pay a fee for the service.



A Good Girl…For Now


Dear A Good Girl..For Now,


Your idea is very interesting.  Instead of having a controlling boyfriend you could just hire some one to boss you around and do weird things with your pee?  I like it!  And in these tough economic times I think your local law enforcement agency would welcome the extra income.


I guess there might be a problem with limited man power or resources if parole officers are used in the private sector.  There are a lot of people out of work right now, maybe you could tap into the great segment of unemployed Americans.  You’d have to be careful not to accidentally hire a psycho killer but with a strict screening process, you could find yourself a great amateur parole officer.  You could even design the uniform as scary or casual as you’d like.  You could hire a sexy parole officer who has to wear a leopard print Speedo at all times and wink at you before telling you what to do.  Wait, is that sexy or creepy?  Or both?


Either way, I think you are really on to something!


Poor Lucky Me

Free But Dissatisfied – Friday August 28

Dear Poor Lucky Me,


Sometimes I wish I lived in another country. Do you ever feel like that? I don’t know…I appreciate the freedoms that I’m afforded as an American citizen, and I think the design of the dollar is pretty snazzy. But I can’t help but wonder is there something else out there that I’m missing?


Am I just terribly unpatriotic?



Sheltered in Shelbyville


Dear Sheltered,


I don’t think you’re unpatriotic, I think you’re just ready for an adventure. 


Sometimes I feel like I want to live in another country, but that’s because I think it’s b.s. that Americans don’t observe siesta.  Almost everyday I feel bitter outrage that I have to eat lunch then get straight to work.  The best I can hope for is a fifteen minute cat nap sitting upright at my desk surrounded by bubble wrap on the floor to alert me when someone’s coming.  But I need more than that to really function at a high level.  Although, high level is relative but I think getting out of bed and putting clothes on is very high functioning.  Taking a shower puts me at Mensa level.


Anyway, the point is you should get out and do some traveling.  You might find that you just needed some new experiences, but you might decide that you want to move.  It doesn’t make you any less American, in fact the freedoms that you have grown up with make you able to explore other cultures and make an educated choice.



Poor Lucky Me

Even Smart People Can’t Do Everything – Thursday August 27

Why, WHY does NPR insist on doing sports coverage?  It makes me so uncomfortable to hear those calming newsy voices trying to stumble over sports idioms.My stomach hurts when Richard Steele says things like “that guy can really throw a ball far!”.


I feel like listening to NPR reporters talk about sports is like watching squirrels water ski: you know they are well trained for the task, but wouldn’t they be happier in their natural habitat?


Also, Cheryl Ray-Stout makes me feel like a total misogynist because I can’t stop rolling my eyes while she gives her opinion on the Bear’s pre-season.  I think I burst a blood vessel this morning!


Is it too much to ask for NPR and their member stations to just continue to collect acorns and climb trees, and stay off the water skis? I think we’d all be better off.

Crappy Climate Causes Consternation – Wednesday August 26

axe-body-spray Dear Poor Lucky Me,


This summer has been the suckiest I have ever lived through.  As summers go, it’s an abomination.  It’s an outrage.  It is cold and raining as I type this, and I just don’t know how much more I can tolerate.


Is this Global Warming or Climate Change or El Nino or what? Can I keep complaining about it until next summer?


Best Wishes,
Cold, Wet, And Sick of It All


Dear C.W.A.S.O.I.A,


This summer has been brought to you by Axe Body Spray.  All that funk funneled into the atmosphere and is raining back down upon the earth. Don’t worry, next summer will be much better.


You can complain, but instead you should join one of the many organizations devoting their time and energy to abolishing the use of body sprays of any kind. Freedom of speech and religion is one thing, but we can’t take Axe Body Spray laying down.


Poor Lucky Me

Alright, We Get It, You Are the Devil – Tuesday August 25

USREPORT-US-USA-CIA-CHENEY I guess the horror movies have it right: just when you think the monster is dead, he pops out of the grave and scares you again.  And again.  And then writes a memoir.  Then comments on the current administration.


Some one needs to cut Dick Cheney’s head off, before more sprout up on his shoulders.  Every week I read an article about his views on morality or who should or should not be investigated for illegal acts of war.  For some one who’s heart is made out of a penny, he sure knows a lot about “right”and “wrong”.


Is the water getting a little hot Mr. Cheney?


George Bush is probably spending his days having living-room-camp-outs in a Hannah Montana sleeping bag and riding his bike up and down the drive way while Cheney continues to assert his tyranny.  Cheney must be worried that some one on earth might not think he’s evil, so he keeps talking to the press.


When he says that the people who used enhanced interrogation on so called terrorists suspects should be praised not investigated, I hear “my favorite meal is baby pie and I push pins in my penis when I want to have a good time”.

Dear Readers,

Living in Chicago, one can’t help but notice how many efforts are made to raise the city’s revenue.

This gave me an idea: I’ve decided to print up my own tickets and hand them out for all kinds of infractions ranging from telling boring stories to being naked too long in the gym locker room.  Fines will go from $10 to $150, which I think is fair.

Does anyone want to get in on this with me so we can have an unbeatable coalition and raise our personal revenues?


Poor Lucky Me

Harvard Funny is Different Than Funny Funny – Monday August 24

225px-hersheys_mr_goodbar_miniaturesDear Poor Lucky Me,


I know that this question is not as important as other life determining questions that you deal with tutti giorni ( that means every day in Italian), but something is bothering me.


I watched the new sitcom starring Amy Poehler called Parks and Recreation. Poehler does a very good imitation of Steve Carrel from The Office, who is already doing a spot-on (that’s British slang) imitation of Ricky Gervais. Anyway, in her show, as well as the Office, there is girl with a weird name…something like Rashida…who had a part as a temporary love interest for Jim. She also plays Amy Poehler’s friend. She is NOT FUNNY.


My question is…with all the comedically talented actresses in the world, why did this girl get not one but TWO parts? To whom is she related? Can you help me figure out this dilemma?


Confused in Buffalo Grove, Illinois


Dear Confused,


You sure sniffed out a rat: Rashida Jones is Quincy Jones’ daughter.  I’ve noticed that although she gets parts on sit-coms, she doesn’t often actually play funny characters.  She’s more often used as a straight man who gets an occasional witticism off.  Maybe you are expecting too much from her.


Personally, I like Rashida because she doesn’t have fake boobs (yet) and went to Harvard.  I mean going to Harvard in of itself is only mildly interesting, but she did a lot of extracurricular activities there.  I admire people who didn’t spent their college years watching “Blind Date” and sleeping until three in the afternoon and eating a steady diet of Mr. Goodbars and Pad Thai.


I’m not saying that’s what I did.  Don’t get me wrong, I was shaking things up on campus.  I belonged to both the poetry society and the Distinguished Visitors Program.  But both of those activities did cut into my Blind Date and sleeping schedule.  I was able to eat Mr. Goodbars at meetings though, so I stayed well-nourished.


During my senior year, the Distinguished Visitor’s Program brought Michael Moore to campus and I could just tell that he and I had a lot in common.  Sure, he’s “achieved” a lot, but other than his success, talent, and dedication, we totally both loved Thai food.



Poor Lucky Me

Up In Smoke – Friday August 21

Dear Poor Lucky Me,


Do you have any idea where I can get that special smoke magicians use to appear and disappear? I’m just wondering because I think it would be a really dramatic way to end meetings at work.


Outside The Box


Dear Outside the Box,


Magic is the devil’s art so I would try your local satanic church or the satanic supplies store- like Walmart.


  Actually I’m pretty sure that Walmart doubles as both a place of devil worship and a one-stop-shop for all your worshiping necessities.  As evidence, please note that the attached photo shows a Walmart shopper celebrating the discovery of a camouflage Christmas stocking.


I admire the inclination to use any kind of black magic to end meetings at work.



Poor Lucky Me

Old Lady Lover Demands Answer – Thursday August 20

20050803-golden-girls-castDear Poor Lucky Me,


Why were the Golden Girls always eating cheesecake?


Although I loved the show and have hours on Beta and VHS for which I took a Beta and VHS repair course, don’t you think it’s odd that a show about the elderly was such a hit?


A Curious Fan


Dear A Curious Fan,


The Golden Girls’ Cheesecake fetish is another example of the callously inaccurate liberties that sit coms take. Everyone knows that lactose intolerance and sugar-induced bad dreams and insomnia would prevent your average old lady from ever eating cheesecake before bed. It was also totally unrealistic to have just one of the characters be slutty. All elderly people are reliably promiscuous and often abuse hard drugs. The show was a hit because people kept tuning in hoping that the next episode would be the one where Rose poses for Penthouse.


I’m so glad to hear you can repair a Betamax. I’ve got a copy of The Last Unicorn (soundtrack by America) that I’m dying to watch again. Can you hook me up?


Poor Lucky Me

Casual Blabber Mouth – Wednesday August 19



Dear Poor Lucky Me,


What’s your position on saying to people “don’t tell anyone this…” or “between you and I”…etc.


Can’t we as humans living in a society assume that all conversations are in confidence? Isn’t it obvious that you don’t want people repeating what you say to other people?


It seems like every time I don’t bother specifically saying to people not to repeat things, they post in on their god damn blog.



Let’s Keep This Between You And I


Dear Let’s Keep This,

The thing is, it doesn’t matter if you do or don’t specify confidentiality. People repeat what you say either way if it’s interesting or tragic or stupid or funny.


But the good news is by the second run, the next set of tellers will usually say “don’t tell anyone this” because second hand information is less reliable. By the third and fourth telling you can safely deny it when your own rumor comes back around.


But don’t deny anything using an actual defense. Just say “Psh” and roll your eyes. That’s the non-verbal equivalent of “I won’t even dignify that with an answer.”


Like this:


Them: “Is it true that you got promoted because you slept with your boss?”


You: “Psh” (eye roll)


Them: “Oh yea it sounded like bullshit”


See, your problem is that you probably always keep other people’s confidences. Because you are trustworthy, you assume your friends are. Big mistake. Everyone tries to be trustworthy, but it’s hard. And hard things, while noble, are annoying and time consuming.


Poor Lucky Me

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