Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I’m an honest person who has lived a crime-free life.  However, I feel sort of jealous of people who get parole officers.  I think it would be comforting and encouraging to have the extra support.  I’d like to be looked after and checked up on…even randomly drug tested.  It would help keep me on the straight and narrow.

What do you think?  Should I approach my local law enforcement headquarters?  I’d be willing to pay a fee for the service.

Signed,

A Good Girl…For Now

Dear A Good Girl..For Now,

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

Sometimes I wish I lived in another country. Do you ever feel like that? I don’t know…I appreciate the freedoms that I’m afforded as an American citizen, and I think the design of the dollar is pretty snazzy. But I can’t help but wonder is there something else out there that I’m missing?

Am I just terribly unpatriotic?

Fondly,

Sheltered in Shelbyville

Poor Lucky Me

Why, WHY does NPR insist on doing sports coverage?  It makes me so uncomfortable to hear those calming newsy voices trying to stumble over sports idioms.My stomach hurts when Richard Steele says things like “that guy can really throw a ball far!”.

I feel like listening to NPR reporters talk about sports is like watching squirrels water ski: you know they are well trained for the task, but wouldn’t they be happier in their natural habitat?

Also, Cheryl Ray-Stout makes me feel like a total misogynist because I can’t stop rolling my eyes while she gives her opinion on the Bear’s pre-season.  I think I burst a blood vessel this morning!

Is it too much to ask for NPR and their member stations to just continue to collect acorns and climb trees, and stay off the water skis? I think we’d all be better off.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

This summer has been the suckiest I have ever lived through.  As summers go, it’s an abomination.  It’s an outrage.  It is cold and raining as I type this, and I just don’t know how much more I can tolerate.

Is this Global Warming or Climate Change or El Nino or what? Can I keep complaining about it until next summer?

Best Wishes,
Cold, Wet, And Sick of It All

Dear C.W.A.S.O.I.A,

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

I guess the horror movies have it right: just when you think the monster is dead, he pops out of the grave and scares you again.  And again.  And then writes a memoir.  Then comments on the current administration.

Some one needs to cut Dick Cheney’s head off, before more sprout up on his shoulders.  Every week I read an article about his views on morality or who should or should not be investigated for illegal acts of war.  For some one who’s heart is made out of a penny, he sure knows a lot about “right”and “wrong”.

Is the water getting a little hot Mr. Cheney?

George Bush is probably spending his days having living-room-camp-outs in a Hannah Montana sleeping bag and riding his bike up and down the drive way while Cheney continues to assert his tyranny.  Cheney must be worried that some one on earth might not think he’s evil, so he keeps talking to the press.

When he says that the people who used enhanced interrogation on so called terrorists suspects should be praised not investigated, I hear “my favorite meal is baby pie and I push pins in my penis when I want to have a good time”.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I know that this question is not as important as other life determining questions that you deal with tutti giorni ( that means every day in Italian), but something is bothering me.

I watched the new sitcom starring Amy Poehler called Parks and Recreation. Poehler does a very good imitation of Steve Carrel from The Office, who is already doing a spot-on (that’s British slang) imitation of Ricky Gervais. Anyway, in her show, as well as the Office, there is girl with a weird name…something like Rashida…who had a part as a temporary love interest for Jim. She also plays Amy Poehler’s friend. She is NOT FUNNY.

My question is…with all the comedically talented actresses in the world, why did this girl get not one but TWO parts? To whom is she related? Can you help me figure out this dilemma?

Signed,
Confused in Buffalo Grove, Illinois

Dear Confused,

Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

Do you have any idea where I can get that special smoke magicians use to appear and disappear? I’m just wondering because I think it would be a really dramatic way to end meetings at work.

Signed,
Outside The Box

Dear Outside the Box,

Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

Why were the Golden Girls always eating cheesecake?

Although I loved the show and have hours on Beta and VHS for which I took a Beta and VHS repair course, don’t you think it’s odd that a show about the elderly was such a hit?

Signed,
A Curious Fan

Dear A Curious Fan,

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

What’s your position on saying to people “don’t tell anyone this…” or “between you and I”…etc.

Can’t we as humans living in a society assume that all conversations are in confidence? Isn’t it obvious that you don’t want people repeating what you say to other people?

It seems like every time I don’t bother specifically saying to people not to repeat things, they post in on their god damn blog.

Signed,

Let’s Keep This Between You And I

Dear Let’s Keep This,

The thing is, it doesn’t matter if you do or don’t specify confidentiality. People repeat what you say either way if it’s interesting or tragic or stupid or funny.

But the good news is by the second run, the next set of tellers will usually say “don’t tell anyone this” because second hand information is less reliable. By the third and fourth telling you can safely deny it when your own rumor comes back around.

But don’t deny anything using an actual defense. Just say “Psh” and roll your eyes. That’s the non-verbal equivalent of “I won’t even dignify that with an answer.”

Like this:

Them: “Is it true that you got promoted because you slept with your boss?”

You: “Psh” (eye roll)

Them: “Oh yea it sounded like bullshit”

See, your problem is that you probably always keep other people’s confidences. Because you are trustworthy, you assume your friends are. Big mistake. Everyone tries to be trustworthy, but it’s hard. And hard things, while noble, are annoying and time consuming.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me