Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I’ve become really really close with a cocktail waitress at the local sexy-cocktail-waitress place in my small town. On one hand I feel like she really likes me, on the other hand I know that I give her really big tips.

Is it totally pathetic to admit I have a crush on her? Is it worse than pathetic, is it sort of stalker-y?

Signed,
In Love-Ish

10 Reasons I’m Glad I Don’t Have to Eat Live Food, Like Wild Animals Do:

1. I’m a reluctant carnivore.

2. I’m a slow runner and even if guns are allowed I dislike loud noises.

3. I faint immediately at the sight of blood.

4. I’ve been known to gag viciously at the site of gristle on a steak.

5. Duck is the gamiest thing I’ve ever eaten. And it was at a country club. And I thought it was gross.

6. I find sushi gruesome.

7. Once I killed a spider in my bathroom and demanded my roommate wake up to attend the subsequent funeral. He now sleeps with his door locked.

8. What if I did succeed in running down a deer or a cow and then it turned around and kicked me with it’s hooves? Then I’ve hobbling around with a hoof kick to the gut? I’m sure I wouldn’t get workers comp for that.

9. I’m a picky eater. What if I murder a chicken and decide I’m more in the mood for grouse? Think of the potential carnage!

10. Eating live food would cut into my TV watching time.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I’ve been invited to an Oscar party Sunday night and have only seen one Nominated movie- Avatar. Any tips for what I can say to not look like so out of touch? And don’t say “just be honest” because I’ve tried that before and it’s just not my style.

Yours,
More of a Television Fan

Dear Television Fan,
I really urge you to revisit being honest, it’s always the easiest way to go through life. if you feel like you just can’t get there, here are five stock answers you can choose from. If you’re in the right setting, people probably won’t question you:

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I was reading an article in Vanity Fair about “The Bling Ring” It was a bunch of rich kids who had the balls to break into celebrities’ homes and steal stuff. Their justification boiled down to little more that “We wanted more stuff.”

At first I was outraged. Then I was disgusted. Then I wondered why celebrities don’t have security systems in their homes…

My Grandmother has a security system and all she has to steal is some grapefruit juice and stockings from the 1970’s.

Are celebrities really that dumb?
Signed,
Should I Steal Stuff Too?

Dear Should I Steal Stuff Too,
From what I read, the celebs did have security systems. They just also left windows or doors unlocked. So I don’t know if they’re dumb or if they’re houses are just too big.

P.S. Don’t steal stuff.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I’ve been dating this really great guy for about six weeks. It’s been a dream relationship so far. But I guess if things are too good to be true…well you know how that goes. Last night we were at a beautiful fancy dinner. The table was lit by soft candles, the good was perfect, the wine was magnificent. He reached across the table and took my hand, gazing deep into my eyes and said: “You know what I thought was a really good movie that everyone else hated? Titanic.”

Needless to say I was crushed, and am considering breaking up with him now. I just don’t know how to relate to someone who would say something like that.

What would you do?

Signed,
Broken Hearted

Dear Broken Hearted,
I think you already know the answer to your question. Unless you’re willing to seriously compromise yourself, you much part ways with any one who loves the movie Titanic. Unless it’s your 13 year old niece.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I’m sorry if this sounds judgmental…actually no. I’m NOT sorry if this sounds judgmental, I don’t care anymore! I continue to be outraged by people who work in restaurants or grocery stores who have those earring things that stretch the earlobe to a terrifying degree. Do you know what I’m talking about? We called them “Gauges” in college.

They’re horrifying in a normal context, but when I see them anywhere near food I feel like barfing. Violently barfing. Common offenders: Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s, Potbelly.

I want to start a movement banning this kind of ear accessory from places that serve or sell food.

What do you think?

Signed,
Angry and Grossed Out

Dear Angry and Grossed Out,
I couldn’t agree more, and I don’t think it’s judgmental. It’s not like you’re demanding gauges be outlawed, let’s just find another profession for people who sport them. If one were born with gaping holes in one’s ears it would be different, but this is a choice one makes. A fashion choice involving self-mutilation.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

I Hate All Walgreens

Five Reasons I Have Decided To Boycott the Walgreens at the Corner of North and Wells:

1. All human cashiers have been replaced by badly functioning auto-checkers. This is an outrage on a couple of different levels. First, people have lost their jobs because Walgreens shareholders demand continued quarterly profits. Second, because I do not want to have to check out my own items especially when those damn machines never work- so you have to stand there fuming waiting for some one to come over everytime it wails “Unexpected Item In Bagging Area”.

2. The Walgreens employees who remain do not wear uniforms. Consequently, you can’t find one when you need one, and when some one offers you help you assume its a well dressed homeless person and run away protectively clutching your change.

3. The entire store is inexplicably arranged backwards. Every time you try to get to the candy aisle, you end up in the enema aisle.

4. They only refrigerate the giant sized Smart Water, and leave the portable sized ones in the aisle at room temperature. Who came up with that plan?

5. There is a sign at the front door advertising a Slushie machine, but at my last visit it was nowhere to be found. I think a phantom Slushie is about as cruel as it gets.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I’m curious about something that other people might find crass. I don’t mean to be controversial or crude- I just want some answers. Or at least confirmation that my wonderings don’t make me weird.

Here’s the issue: All humans pass gas. But the smell of broken wind seems to be universally repugnant. Well maybe not universally, but I’ve lived in both the United States and England and place populaces frown at the smell of flatulence. Interestingly, my dog doesn’t seem to mind it. Anyway, the point is: why are people so repulsed by something that is so natural…so very human?

Best,
Sensitive Stomach

Dear S.S.,
While doing research for this answer I learned so much about mammalian flatulence that I can say with confidence I will no longer be ashamed of this natural process. I may still excuse myself for the sake of polite society, but accidents happen (especially in yoga class) and I will embrace the results.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I am an avid music collector, and have been since I was 12. Over the past 5 years I’ve put a lot of time and effort into transferring my music to digital files. Now I have a well organized iTunes collection, that will make any music lover jealous.

But then one night I woke up in a cold sweat: what will happen if the economy fails and we all have to live off the grid? I’m just not sure that my computer will still work. I’m so worried that I made a huge mistake taking everything digital. Maybe I should have gone to vinyl- something that if push comes to shove I could build a player that works with a solar panel or something?

What do you think? I tried calling Apple, but I guess they thought I was kidding because they kept hanging up on me.

Yours,
Terrified Music Lover

Dear T.M.L.,
I felt the same trepidation after I bought a Dyson vacuum cleaner. Beside the fear of buying a $500 vacuum cleaner and never using it, I was concerned what would happen if we were taken off the traditional power grid and everything had to be converted to wind or solar or natural gas. Would the government subsidize another vacuum? I doubt it! But I had to just close my eyes and hand over my credit card because I had been obsessing about the Dyson for so long. There is something so intriguing about the guy on the commercials, he’s impossible to resist!

You’re more likely to lose your music collection by not backing it up than to be faced with what to do when society fails and you have no where to charge your iPod.
Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I have a bit of a dilemma – I just learned my brother and sister-in-law are expecting their first child. We could not be more excited and happy for the two of them – they will make the best parents.

My dilemma is my partner and I decided to adopt a Haitian refugee baby. We may get the child over the summer – prior to the due date for my brother and his wife.

Do you think that would be rude to move forward with the adoption and overshadow their big news? I am thinking we could put it off a few months – it isn’t like the babies will all be gone given the situation down in Haiti.

Signed,
Don’t want to be Hait-ian on my Sibling

Dear Hait-ian,
As much as we’d like to, we can’t always tip toe around the emotional needs of our siblings. Sometimes we just have to do what’s in our heart, and if that leads to a little competition so be it. I definitely don’t think you should reschedule your plans- that could result in the long term resentment of your brother and sister in law. Instead, consider just letting the cuteness and intelligence of your babies settle this potential conflict.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me