Breaking Wind Raises Questions – Friday February 26th

fartDear Poor Lucky Me,
I’m curious about something that other people might find crass. I don’t mean to be controversial or crude- I just want some answers. Or at least confirmation that my wonderings don’t make me weird.


Here’s the issue: All humans pass gas. But the smell of broken wind seems to be universally repugnant. Well maybe not universally, but I’ve lived in both the United States and England and place populaces frown at the smell of flatulence. Interestingly, my dog doesn’t seem to mind it. Anyway, the point is: why are people so repulsed by something that is so natural…so very human?


Sensitive Stomach


Dear S.S.,
While doing research for this answer I learned so much about mammalian flatulence that I can say with confidence I will no longer be ashamed of this natural process. I may still excuse myself for the sake of polite society, but accidents happen (especially in yoga class) and I will embrace the results.


People are repulsed by gas passing because A. it stinks and B. They’re afraid of their own cheese-cutting being judged. No one wants to be thought of as grosser or nastier than their neighbor, so it’s safer just to judge first and ask questions later. I, of course, have long disagreed with this notion. I always assume what I do is not only socially acceptable but delightful!


I saw a show on the Science Chanel a few years ago about the military developing non-lethal weapons. One idea they were working on was a stink bomb- to be used mainly to disperse crowds. But scientists kept bumping up against a major problem: they couldn’t find an odor that was universally repulsive. What might make German crowds run screaming might not phase a crowd in India.


The good news is that you can take your sensitive stomach on a world tour, and find a wonderful place to live where people aren’t shocked by your bodily odors. Some cultures even find flatulence hilarious. Like the culture in my apartment.


Poor Lucky Me

Collector’s Confidence Shaken- Thursday February 25th

a804706d1482aeccDear Poor Lucky Me,
I am an avid music collector, and have been since I was 12. Over the past 5 years I’ve put a lot of time and effort into transferring my music to digital files. Now I have a well organized iTunes collection, that will make any music lover jealous.


But then one night I woke up in a cold sweat: what will happen if the economy fails and we all have to live off the grid? I’m just not sure that my computer will still work. I’m so worried that I made a huge mistake taking everything digital. Maybe I should have gone to vinyl- something that if push comes to shove I could build a player that works with a solar panel or something?


What do you think? I tried calling Apple, but I guess they thought I was kidding because they kept hanging up on me.


Terrified Music Lover


Dear T.M.L.,
I felt the same trepidation after I bought a Dyson vacuum cleaner. Beside the fear of buying a $500 vacuum cleaner and never using it, I was concerned what would happen if we were taken off the traditional power grid and everything had to be converted to wind or solar or natural gas. Would the government subsidize another vacuum? I doubt it! But I had to just close my eyes and hand over my credit card because I had been obsessing about the Dyson for so long. There is something so intriguing about the guy on the commercials, he’s impossible to resist!


In the end, it turned out the valid fear was that I don’t really clean my apartment so I never use it. The simplest answer is usually the most logical, right? I think that’s Occam’s razor.


You’re more likely to lose your music collection by not backing it up than to be faced with what to do when society fails and you have no where to charge your iPod.
Poor Lucky Me

Attention Competition – Wednesday February 24th

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I have a bit of a dilemma – I just learned my brother and sister-in-law are expecting their first child. We could not be more excited and happy for the two of them – they will make the best parents.


My dilemma is my partner and I decided to adopt a Haitian refugee baby. We may get the child over the summer – prior to the due date for my brother and his wife.


Do you think that would be rude to move forward with the adoption and overshadow their big news? I am thinking we could put it off a few months – it isn’t like the babies will all be gone given the situation down in Haiti.


Don’t want to be Hait-ian on my Sibling


Dear Hait-ian,
As much as we’d like to, we can’t always tip toe around the emotional needs of our siblings. Sometimes we just have to do what’s in our heart, and if that leads to a little competition so be it. I definitely don’t think you should reschedule your plans- that could result in the long term resentment of your brother and sister in law. Instead, consider just letting the cuteness and intelligence of your babies settle this potential conflict.


If you get your Haitian refugee baby first, still shower your brother and sister in law with compliments, gifts and praise. Then, start training your baby. There will be a finite amount of family gifts and attention to go around, and you’ll want to get your hands on that booty. I mean, for your baby.


Get that “Teach Your Baby To Read” program, and teach it sign language immediately. Make sure that it’s first words are “I love Grandma, I love Grandpa” and “I long for world peace” or “bomb Iran” depending on your family’s political leanings.


You might think my advice sounds petty, but really you’ll only be enriching your baby’s life. And who knows, maybe your brother and sister in law are lazy losers who would have sat around drinking Jack Daniels and feeding their baby McDonald’s cheeseburgers if it wasn’t for this good hearted competition.


Oh, also, dress your baby in grown up clothes. There is nothing cuter than a baby in a three piece suite or jeans. I love that.


Poor Lucky Me

Ear Worm Etiquette – Tuesday February 23rd

53361274_02f25b07a4Dear Poor Lucky Me,
Someone I was with tonight brought up the Dana Carvey SNL skit “Chopping Broccoli”. I don’t really remember the skit or lyrics that well- just the “chopping broccoli” refrain. It’s been stuck in my head- over and over choppingbroccolichoppinbroccoliiii. Etc. I’m DYING.


Dont you think in polite society people should warn you before they bring up a song that they KNOW is going to be stuck in you head for god knows how long? It’s just common courtesy.




P.S. Same goes for the BK commercial: Gimme that filet o fish, gimme that fish….


Dear Stuck,
What? That BK commercial and jingle is the best! The only thing I like having stuck in my head more is “Fish Heads”:



But I understand your point. There are certain songs that should never be sung or spoken about without express written permission by the person on the receiving end of the conversation. Like the worst song on earth: “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga. You could have a lawyer draw up something quick, just a one page document that the person has to sign saying they won’t hold you responsible if the song gets stuck in their head and ruins their life. Like Poker Face ruined mine.


I went into the Gap one day, heard that song, and blacked out for three months. When I came to I was in a mental institution. But I was able to keep my job because I kept all the passwords secret and no one knew how to access voicemail or set up conference calls. See that’s the trick, control the information.


Later I got fired for stealing.


Poor Lucky Me

List – Monday February 22nd



10 Things I Could Really Use Jack Bauer’s Help With:


1. Learning how to kill someone with everyday household items. Because you never know when you’ll need to know.


2. Getting my mom to admit what REALLY happened to our first dog. She swears it went to live on a farm. Jack Bauer will get to the bottom of this…


3. Confronting the people that stand right outside my office building doors, smoking cigarettes and throwing their butts on the sidewalk. He’ll make them pay.


4. Teaching me how to be an Olympic freestyle skier. I’m not asking for a gold medal, but I think it’d be a useful skill to have under my belt.


5. Showing me the proper way to give the heimlich maneuver. It’s something I’ve always been intimidated by, but I know Bauer would have just the right amount of confidence and finesse.


6. Successfully motivating me to get out of bed in the morning and eat a healthful breakfast. Not just some bullshit cereal, but real oatmeal and fruit. Or a homemade fruit smoothie.


7. Teaching my dog to speak at least enough English to order pizza and call RCN when my cable goes out. But I don’t want him to use CTU-type methods on her. Just gentle encouragement and patience.


8. Having a calm but stern chat with the fellow who lives upstairs from me who bounces a ball on the floor all Saturday and Sunday while he watches tv and doesn’t get the message when I pound my broom on my ceiling and scream swears at him.


9. Become famous.


10. Regular meditation.

Fashion Backwards – Friday February 19th

boyz_n_the_hood1Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I’ve noticed that a lot of 80′s fashion is coming back in style. This makes me very excited, as I am hoping that early 90′s Boyz N Da Hood gangsta style is going to come back in fashion.


Do you thing this is a possibility? I just never have felt as tough as I did when I wore brightly colored shirts and high waisted trousers.


With Affection,


Dear Hoping,
Do you mean a DJ Jazzy Jeff or Kid ‘N’ Play type of style come back? Gosh I just don’t know if that’s something to hope for. I’m still trying to adjust to seeing being wear vests and leg warmers without irony. I recently saw a girl with crimped hair and had to choke back vomit.


Maybe it’s just me but I don’t want to revisit high school- the worst part of a normal human’s life- through the horror of early 90′s fashion. My god I can’t really think of a more nightmarish situation. I bet they could get detainees at Guantanamo to break by making them relive their high school days.


In short: based on trending fashion, I definitely think it’s a possibility. A horrible, terrible, awful possibility.


Poor Lucky Me

Plant Murderer Looking for Justification – Thursday February 18th


We're Both Doomed!

We're Both Doomed!



Dear Poor Lucky Me,


My girlfriend and I live together. She is really into plants, which bothers me. I feel like, why don’t we just get a dog, or a kid for that matter, if we’re going to be tending to something all the time. It’s constant! Water it, make sure it has sun light. Etc.


So I’ve started pouring salt water into the plants, just to kill them slowly and get her less attached to living things that need care. I mean I need home cooked meals for god’s sake! She doesn’t have time to have a green thumb.


Don’t Get Me Wrong, I DO NOT Want Kids. Or Pets.


Dear Don’t Get Me Wrong,
You’ve made a compelling case to hate plants and pets and children, but I’m afraid that’s not the real issue here. I”m worried that if you need so much attention from a spouse that you’ll resort to plant-murder, it may be time to speak with a professional. Or, at the very least, consider moving back in with your mother.


It’s very difficult to pull off being some one’s singular focus. One minute you’re enjoying home cooked meals, the next moment your spouse (who has no other distractions) realizes that your a selfish boor who just might actually be mentally ill.


If you can’t allow your significant other to have other interests, things are going to get ugly real quick.


Poor Lucky Me

Novelty Items Arouse Curiosity – Wednesday February 17th

36_157bDear Poor Lucky Me,


I’ve recently discovered that there is a robust market for religious themed novelty items such as Cross-Shaped Swirl Pops, Bible Tins with cross-shaped mints, and “Walking With Jesus” Gummy Treat Packs .


What do you think Jesus Would Do with these products? Do you think he should get a cut, or at least a wholesale discount?


Praying we meet our sales numbers


Dear Praying,


What a great discovery, whether you’re seriously religious or just into mocking religious people. It’s hard to say what Jesus would do, although I certainly consider myself in a position to answer with authority.


He would keep the novelty religious items’ production in a country with fair labor practices, which he wouldn’t have to justify to greedy shareholders because he would keep the company private. I think Jesus would be at least as annoyed as I am that publicly traded companies have to show profits every quarter. It’s just not realistic! He’d probably rather run the place as a not-for-profit, but if there were profits I think he’d try to build revolutionary social programs.


Really though, I think if Jesus could he’d come back and bust up the company that makes this stuff. He’s go all crazy like he did on the money changers asses. He’d also probably smote Pat Robinson, while he was down here.


Poor Lucky Me

Addiction Raises Reasonable Questions – Tuesday February 16th

1338997847_6d922cf6c7Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I have a pretty serious addiction to cheese flavor. Cheez-its, Cheese Nips, Cheetos, Cheese Goldfish Crackers, anything yellow and labeled “Cheese” really. Actual cheese is ok, but the flavored stuff is what gets me.


My question is: what exactly do they use to make that flavor? Also, I’m assuming it’s nutritious, can you confirm that?


Yours Truly,
I’m Eating Cheez-Its right now.


Dear I’m Eating,
I’m sorry, I cannot confirm that cheese flavor is nutritious. It’s all relative though, right? General Mills make Fruit Loops fortified with Calcium and Fiber so it can be called nutritious. I’m not sure how great of shape you’d be in if you substituted cereal for any natural sources of calcium and fiber. I sort of did that in college, but not on purpose. And instead of fortified cereal I ate Mr Goodbars and Cool Ranch Doritos. I usually slept about 15 hours a day, if that’s any indication of healthfulness.


Interestingly, the ingredients used to make flavor powder are not readily available on the internet. This make me a little suspicious. It also makes me tired, because I scrolled through about 50 pages of Google searches.


My non-medical recommendation is to try and curb your addiction in favor of moderation. Unfortunately I know all too well how difficult moderation is…I’m more of a saturation-til-you-want-to-barf-at-the-sight-of-it kind of person. But you can always try. And keep trying. And then try again.


Poor Lucky Me

List – Monday February 15th

225px-victorian-valentines-cards-two-cherubs-red-hearts5 Common Misconceptions About Valentines Day


1. Valentines Day is a holiday made up by greeting card companies and chocolate manufacturers to encourage consumerism. Actually it was invented by Communists to infiltrate greeting cards and use them in an elaborate system to deliver secrets to Moscow.


2. St. Valentine is an actual person to whom the day is dedicated. In fact, Valentine was the name of Charlie Chaplin’s dog- who could do back flips and bark out the words “I Love You”. He stole the hearts of the nation, and thus was honored by Valentines Day.


3. The red and pink hearts of Valentines Day represent love. Actually they represent the success of 20th century organ transplants.


4. The chubby little baby with wings is Cupid. How I wish that were true. That baby is actually a representation of the apocalypse, as seen by his threatening stance and weapons cache.


5. Valentines Day is for lovers. In fact Valentines Day started out as a way to honor the hatred between feuding families of the wild west.

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