Don Juan Assholio? That’s kind of funny, but I sure know what it’s like to take a so-so joke to the next level to impress a crowd. In fact, that’s one of the hairiest traps a person can walk into- socially. Not physically. Physically you want to avoid those pits dug into the group and set with sharpened spears then covered over lightly with brush. Because when you fall into those you get impaled by the sharpened spears. Also, look out for trip wires that cause branches to whip around and hit you in the face. I just read that those branches are often tipped with fecal matter to increase the possibility of infection. So, try and remember that at least.

Of course your boss is torturing you. Just go into his office and apologize profusely. Tell him that you were actually talking about another co-worker- some one who was also in the break room- and that you were too chicken to out yourself. Tell him you have learned your lesson, and thank him for his patience. Then really try to learn your lesson.

You probably were cool, you might even still be cool. The problem with reconnecting with high school friends on Facebook is that we are required, as adults, to remember all sorts of things that may have pushed out earlier information.

I don’t know if it’s true for everyone, but my brain holds a finite amount of information. For instance: I used to work at a company that made you change your email password every four months. Consequently, I cannot access any of the World War II battles that I learned in college. Learning my new cell phone number made me forget two former Soviet Republics. When I moved last year and had to learn my new address, I forgot all the lyrics to Stairway to Heaven. When my office moved, I decided to write the new address on a card in my wallet instead of risking losing the lyrics to Celebrate. Then I was at the gym- not working out, just standing on the treadmill and watching TV because my cable was out- and someone stole my wallet. So, I haven’t been to work in a week in a half. I have no idea where in the hell it is. I can’t ask my boss, so I’m just waiting until they update the website.

Be patient with your friends from a former life. They might slowly remember the great times you had together, and even if they don’t, you know the good times happened. Now it’s time to make new friends and have new experiences.

I think it is normal to only like things before they become very popular, but that’s no reason to be angry. Save your anger for injustice, tyranny, or violence perpetrated against the innocent. Leave the ugly sweater party goers alone.

I think this is an urge left over from our high school days, when finding the cool thing first made a huge impact on your social standing. Remember the kid in your class who first played “Satellite” for you? They were by far the coolest person you knew…for a couple weeks anyway.

The point is most of the time societal norms serve the important purpose of keeping our irrational outbursts in check. I watched a show last night about the differences between Bonobos an Chimps. They are both our very close genetic relatives. Chimps will sometimes go to war for neighboring territory, Bonobos make love to greet each other and resolve conflict. Wouldn’t you rather be a Bonobo than a Chimp?

Focus instead on what you do have. Fearlessness and goodlookingness are very important and valuable skills. Have you considered hooking up with an older, richer person who might pay you to hang around in a bathing suit and make them laugh? What about becoming a racecar driver? A lot of those people are good looking and fearless. Also, if you want to be on TV but have no talent, you can always fall back on reality TV. Sure, you’ll have to get drunk a lot and look like a total tool/slut, but I don’t have to tell you that’s better than the old 9-5.

Actually, 9-5 would be sweet compared to what most real jobs require. I learned in history class about the days where you got to work at 9, took an hour lunch, several smoke breaks, knocked off at 5 and there was no expectation that you would do any homework? You could still earn enough money so one parent could stay home and raise the children, and you could retire at 65. Did those days really exist? I think maybe cell phones and plasma screen TV’s and Wii fit and microwaves and self cleaning ovens made the 40 hour work week obsolete.

I’ve never been to New Hampshire, but I’ve gotten close. According to a map I looked up on the internet- Massachusetts, Connecticut and Vermont are all very close to New Hampshire. So I’ve practically been there from a geographical standpoint. But culturally, I had to do some learning. Here are some essential facts to know about your Northern neighbor:

-The New Hampshire State motto is “Live Free or Die”. This is extremely bad-ass for a state motto.

-Tupperware was invented in New Hampshire in 1098 by Earl Tupper. Presumably he forced his wife to have parties and trick her friends into buying the plastic food storage bins.

-Pittsfield, New Hampshire made the Guinness Book of World Records by having the most people wear Groucho Marx glasses at the same time. This is a much more respectable way to get in the book then growing out your finger or toe nails. Also, I’m creeped out by the tattoo and piercing guys.

These are obviously really impressive facts. They show that you know people live there, are politically passionate, wear Groucho Marx glasses constantly, and store their leftovers safely. That’s way more than what I know about the people of Canada.

Dear DWTLMJOHCSC,

You can’t be polite about the Christmas music if you’ve already brought a hammer to work. This is a code red situation. You have to tell your co-worker that this is a dire mental health issue that only she can help you avoid! Throw some water on your face and armpits if you don’t think you can get yourself to sweat and look hysterical.

People really don’t act hysterical enough in their professional lives, in my opinion. It is the punctuation emotion. When you have had just enough of people ignoring you, take your voice up to shrill, let your eyes roll in their sockets, and get hysterical. I find that people come to me less often when important decisions need to be made if I remain at a low level of hysterical at all times. You can always crank it up if you need to.

Also, to be perfectly honest, I can’t think of a better reason to freak out then having to hear “Santa Baby” six times a day. That song changes me from a calm agnostic into a frothing at the mouth-believer in the devil. I’ve been known to fall to my knees, writhing and clawing at my ears when I hear that song. It’s just too much to handle, especially in a Gap. The Gap and that song at the same time? Hell does exist here on earth my friends.

Please, I implore you to seek help before you cross a line. Talk to your H.R. representative if necessary. Sue someone. Just don’t smash anything up.