Joke Goes Too Far, Invites Zaniness – Wednesday December 30th

Dear Poor Lucky Me,


The other day I was in the break room at work, making my co-workers laugh by telling stories about my encounters with Don Juan Assholio. That’s what I call my boss. Suddenly the room went silent and I turned around to find my boss standing there. He said- who’s Don Juan Assholio? I blurted out “my new boyfriend”. He said “Really? We should have dinner sometime. How about Thursday night?” I agreed.


I don’t have a boyfriend, and I’m pretty sure my boss is just trying to torture me because he knows I’m lying. Do I scrape up a fake boyfriend somewhere or just admit that I was mocking him?


I Wish I Could Say I Learned My Lesson, But I Know Myself Better Than That


Dear I.W.I.C.S.I.L.M.L.B.I.K.M.B.T.T.,


Don Juan Assholio? That’s kind of funny, but I sure know what it’s like to take a so-so joke to the next level to impress a crowd. In fact, that’s one of the hairiest traps a person can walk into- socially. Not physically. Physically you want to avoid those pits dug into the group and set with sharpened spears then covered over lightly with brush. Because when you fall into those you get impaled by the sharpened spears. Also, look out for trip wires that cause branches to whip around and hit you in the face. I just read that those branches are often tipped with fecal matter to increase the possibility of infection. So, try and remember that at least.


I’ve got to say- faking a boyfriend, going to dinner just to prove to your boss that you’re not a jerk- the whole scheme smacks of Weekend at Bernie’s II. Are you going to get a Real Doll and put him on crutches and tell your boss and his wife that your boyfriend is a deaf/mute/anorexic? Or ask a friend to pose as your boyfriend then have some awkward moment at the end of the date where you either have to fake a fight in front of your boss to explain the break up? (Actually I like that Jennifer Aniston movie where she’s the “Ad Executive” and hires a guy who really likes her to play her fiancee- with hilarious, then heartbreaking, then heartwarming results).


Of course your boss is torturing you. Just go into his office and apologize profusely. Tell him that you were actually talking about another co-worker- some one who was also in the break room- and that you were too chicken to out yourself. Tell him you have learned your lesson, and thank him for his patience. Then really try to learn your lesson.


Poor Lucky Me

Dear Readers,
The mystery neighbor problem has been solved. The people across the hall from me are not drug dealers, musicians or vampires. They are a jock-tool couple who spend each weekend getting drunk, breaking up, and making up.

I finally got to the bottom of the mystery by bursting out of my apartment in my underpants at four o’clock in the morning, roaring “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE???” Awesomely, I did not bring my keys with me for this confrontation, which I realized as I heard the dull thud of my door closing behind me. The drunken couple, now made up, stared at me with shock and horror as I pretended I was sleepwalking to cover up my acute humiliation. I put my arms in front of me, Frankenstein-style, and ranted about Nixon.

Eventually the maintenance man came across our trio as he was making his rounds. He let me into my apartment without commentary, and I went back to bed. As I drifted off to sleep I couldn’t help but feel a little smug, even if I looked like a complete idiot. I think the couple across the hall will think twice before they wake up the scantily-clad-sleepwalker again.

Thanks for all your help.

Poor Lucky Me

Facebook Follies – Tuesday December 29th

brainbikeDear Poor Lucky Me,


It feels like every time I send a Facebook friend request to some one from high school they reply that they don’t remember me. Even people who I spent weekend after weekend hanging out with, now 10 years later they say “Oh were we friends?”.


I am trying not to take it personally but it’s not easy. I have good memories of high school but I’m beginning to think I was delusional or something.


Do you have any theories about this phenomenon?


I Thought I Was Cool


Dear I Thought I Was Cool,


You probably were cool, you might even still be cool. The problem with reconnecting with high school friends on Facebook is that we are required, as adults, to remember all sorts of things that may have pushed out earlier information.


I don’t know if it’s true for everyone, but my brain holds a finite amount of information. For instance: I used to work at a company that made you change your email password every four months. Consequently, I cannot access any of the World War II battles that I learned in college. Learning my new cell phone number made me forget two former Soviet Republics. When I moved last year and had to learn my new address, I forgot all the lyrics to Stairway to Heaven. When my office moved, I decided to write the new address on a card in my wallet instead of risking losing the lyrics to Celebrate. Then I was at the gym- not working out, just standing on the treadmill and watching TV because my cable was out- and someone stole my wallet. So, I haven’t been to work in a week in a half. I have no idea where in the hell it is. I can’t ask my boss, so I’m just waiting until they update the website.


Be patient with your friends from a former life. They might slowly remember the great times you had together, and even if they don’t, you know the good times happened. Now it’s time to make new friends and have new experiences.


Poor Lucky Me

List – Monday December 28th

The Horror!  The Horror!

The Horror! The Horror!

10 Movies That I Have Nightmares About Being Remade Into A Big Budget Hollywood Ordeal Starring Ben Affleck or Ed Burns:


1. Caddy Shack


2. 2001: A Space Odyssey


3. Roadhouse


4. The Color Purple


5. Of Mice and Men (Affleck would naturally be cast as Lenny)


6. The Karate Kid


7. Overboard


8. Apocalypse Now


9. Dirty Dancing


10. A Clockwork Orange

Embittered Ex-Ugly Sweater Wearer Speaks Out – Tuesday December 22nd

bonoboDear Poor Lucky Me,


The ugly sweater party was cool when it was underground. Now everyone does it.


Is it normal to only like things when they’re unpopular, then sneer at them when they become popular?


Can I openly ridicule the ugly sweat parties of today, or for the sake of politeness and society do I have to continue to keep silent on the issue?


Angry For No Good Reason


Dear Angry For No Good Reason,


I think it is normal to only like things before they become very popular, but that’s no reason to be angry. Save your anger for injustice, tyranny, or violence perpetrated against the innocent. Leave the ugly sweater party goers alone.


I think this is an urge left over from our high school days, when finding the cool thing first made a huge impact on your social standing. Remember the kid in your class who first played “Satellite” for you? They were by far the coolest person you knew…for a couple weeks anyway.


The point is most of the time societal norms serve the important purpose of keeping our irrational outbursts in check. I watched a show last night about the differences between Bonobos an Chimps. They are both our very close genetic relatives. Chimps will sometimes go to war for neighboring territory, Bonobos make love to greet each other and resolve conflict. Wouldn’t you rather be a Bonobo than a Chimp?


Poor Lucky Me

Aspiring Famous Person Lacks Direction and Skills – Monday December 21st

This giant remote controls my giant TV

This giant remote controls my giant TV

Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I feel very much that I should be a famous person. I cannot sing or act or play an instrument. But I am very good looking and feel that should count for a lot. I’m also totally fearless when it comes to getting on stage.


Do you think it’s safe to continue to pursue my dream? My concern is that someone may suggest I get a regular job, which I have no interest in.


Talent Is Relative…Right?


Dear T.I.R.R.,
Talent is only relative if you have it in the first place. Whether or not you actually have it, I’m afraid, is not relative. But do not despair! The noble pursuit of avoiding a real job is a talent in of itself. Don’t get confined to traditional skills like acting or singing, it could take years of lessons and private coaching to get anywhere.


Focus instead on what you do have. Fearlessness and goodlookingness are very important and valuable skills. Have you considered hooking up with an older, richer person who might pay you to hang around in a bathing suit and make them laugh? What about becoming a racecar driver? A lot of those people are good looking and fearless. Also, if you want to be on TV but have no talent, you can always fall back on reality TV. Sure, you’ll have to get drunk a lot and look like a total tool/slut, but I don’t have to tell you that’s better than the old 9-5.


Actually, 9-5 would be sweet compared to what most real jobs require. I learned in history class about the days where you got to work at 9, took an hour lunch, several smoke breaks, knocked off at 5 and there was no expectation that you would do any homework? You could still earn enough money so one parent could stay home and raise the children, and you could retire at 65. Did those days really exist? I think maybe cell phones and plasma screen TV’s and Wii fit and microwaves and self cleaning ovens made the 40 hour work week obsolete.


Oh well. I wouldn’t change seeing the blades of grass on a football field through my giant TV for all the retirement money in the world. I guess. Wait, no, I would! I’d give it all back!! Please, come back….
Poor Lucky Me

Picture Day – Friday December 18th

Reader Matt J. from New York City sent us this photo of a sign he saw during his recent business travels. He queries with great passion:


“But what if you don’t WANT an apple pie? What if you just want your receipt?”

Geography Continues to Dazzle People- Thursday December 17th

3046241210_e42fc51449Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I recently met some one from New Hampshire. I don’t know if this sounds ignorant, but I didn’t realize people actually lived there.


Have you ever been to New Hampshire? Can you tell me anything about it? I’d like to impress this fellow the next time we meet.


Yours Truly,
I’m from Iowa


Dear I’m From Iowa,


I’ve never been to New Hampshire, but I’ve gotten close. According to a map I looked up on the internet- Massachusetts, Connecticut and Vermont are all very close to New Hampshire. So I’ve practically been there from a geographical standpoint. But culturally, I had to do some learning. Here are some essential facts to know about your Northern neighbor:


-The New Hampshire State motto is “Live Free or Die”. This is extremely bad-ass for a state motto.


-Tupperware was invented in New Hampshire in 1098 by Earl Tupper. Presumably he forced his wife to have parties and trick her friends into buying the plastic food storage bins.


-Pittsfield, New Hampshire made the Guinness Book of World Records by having the most people wear Groucho Marx glasses at the same time. This is a much more respectable way to get in the book then growing out your finger or toe nails. Also, I’m creeped out by the tattoo and piercing guys.


These are obviously really impressive facts. They show that you know people live there, are politically passionate, wear Groucho Marx glasses constantly, and store their leftovers safely. That’s way more than what I know about the people of Canada.


Poor Lucky Me

Holiday Cheer Threatens to Turn Violent – Wednesday December 16th

3101342964_7bfc097b77Dear Poor Lucky Me,


How can I politely tell my co-worker that if she doesn’t turn off the Christmas music that plays constantly in her cubicle I’m going to have to take a hammer to her radio?


I’ve tried to use restraint, but have to admit I recently brought a hammer to work. I’m worried.


Don’t Want to Lose My Job Over “Here Comes Santa Claus”




You can’t be polite about the Christmas music if you’ve already brought a hammer to work. This is a code red situation. You have to tell your co-worker that this is a dire mental health issue that only she can help you avoid! Throw some water on your face and armpits if you don’t think you can get yourself to sweat and look hysterical.


People really don’t act hysterical enough in their professional lives, in my opinion. It is the punctuation emotion. When you have had just enough of people ignoring you, take your voice up to shrill, let your eyes roll in their sockets, and get hysterical. I find that people come to me less often when important decisions need to be made if I remain at a low level of hysterical at all times. You can always crank it up if you need to.


Also, to be perfectly honest, I can’t think of a better reason to freak out then having to hear “Santa Baby” six times a day. That song changes me from a calm agnostic into a frothing at the mouth-believer in the devil. I’ve been known to fall to my knees, writhing and clawing at my ears when I hear that song. It’s just too much to handle, especially in a Gap. The Gap and that song at the same time? Hell does exist here on earth my friends.


Please, I implore you to seek help before you cross a line. Talk to your H.R. representative if necessary. Sue someone. Just don’t smash anything up.


Poor Lucky Me

List – Tuesday December 15th

10 Reasons Why I Love the Sign in This Picture:


1. The font indicates that the owner/operator is a psycho killer/kidnapper which is helpful if you’re looking for a reliable psycho to develop your fotos.


2. I originally though this was a sign for “31″ minute foto, which I laughed about for 10 minutes.
When my roommate pointed out it was just a bubble “30″ I felt sad, then angry at being misled.


3. Are people still developing film? Or is this a secret message for killers/kidnappers that this establishment is a safe hide out?


4. If you stare at the second “O” in Foto you will become hypnotized and contact the CIA offering your services as a high level assassin. This is how Sirhan Sirhan got in trouble.


5. Staring at the second “O” in Foto may induce seizures. This will give the staff a few more minutes do develop your film, since no one on earth has ever actually gotten their film developed in 30 minutes. Even Superman had to slow the rotation of the earth to get his vacation pictures in an hour.


6. It’s good to know that lacking an ability to spell will not keep a person from owning their own business. Once again, my third grade teacher didn’t know what she was talking about.


7. Sticking to red and black color palate further emphasizes the scary scary font. It is reminiscent of blood and the blackness of the afterlife.


8. 30 Min Foto is a great place for bounty hunters to send faxes while they pursue criminals.


9. 30 Min Foto is a great place for criminals to get new passports while they’re being pursued by bounty hunters.


10. My faith in humanity is strengthened knowing that someone would create, choose, purchase and mount such an awful sign. If they are not killers, they’ve got a great sense of humor.

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