Calm Panic – Wednesday July 20th

I have my 16 week doctor’s appointment tomorrow. In anticipation of the appointment, I’m certain that something has gone terribly wrong. With a resigned detachment, I feel sure that the baby has died, or that the soreness in my legs is a life-threatening infection, or that there never was a baby in there and I’m just growing a huge tumor in my belly.

I think: “Well the baby has probably died, so maybe we should extend our lease after all.” Is that healthy detachment or delusional detachment?

Everything is probably fine, except it’s probably not.

Every night before I fall asleep I beg my baby to come to me in a dream and tell me everything is ok. Instead I dream about conflicts at work, or being a bike messenger and getting a flat tire and having no idea how to change it. I think I would feel more hopeful if I dreamed about this little baby.

I wonder what it’s like to be a normal baby-maker.

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