Dear Poor Lucky Me,

Why is it that when I shave a goatee into my facial hair, it’s only as a joke, but others do it for real? I’ve read that some people do it to be taken more, rather than less, seriously by others. How could this be true?

Signed,
Tiny Beard

Dear Tiny Beard,

Best,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I like to travel but am wary about foreign food. The last time I went to Hawaii, for instance, I brought a suitcase full of Ramen noodles and Luna bars. I know it’s technically America, but i wasn’t willing to take a chance.

So, my wife wants me to take a trip with her to Prague. I looked up their local fare on the internet, and suffice it to say I’m freaked out. Should I cancel the trip? Or maybe just ship food to the hotel before I get there? What would you do if you were me?

Signed,
The Hungry Traveler

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

Sometimes I get the feeling that my boss thinks I’m an idiot. I get my 3% raise every year, but he says suspicious things like “You are an idiot” and “Why do you even work here” then he kind of laughs. Maybe its more like a cough. Anyway, what do you think? Should I be concerned?

Best,
I Don’t Screw Up THAT Often

Best,
Poor Lucky Me

This is my new opponent. The Butterfinger Buzz. I want to eat it so bad but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

I felt the same way about 5 Hour Energy Shots and when I finally tried one I was immediately hooked. I was strung out on those things for five months. It was insane. I would tweak out around 3 pm and start calling my alderman and bitching about the U-Haul $5 Clean Air fee. Why can’t they just make the rental $5 more and not tack on a fake fee that could cause their more unstable customers to become irate?

But I think the Butterfinger Buzz and I will be different. I think I’m ready for a healthy relationship between me and a caffeinated candy bar.

10 Reasons Why I’d like to Invent A Perpetual Motion Machine (In Order of Importance):

1. It would validate all the times I was late for work and told my boss it was because I was working on my perpetual motion machine.

2. I could laugh in the face of the second law of thermodynamics’ again.

3. People would stop making fun of me about the time machine thing.

4. I could get a special business card made with a witty pun about perpetual motion on the back that only other smart people understood (and good looking people).

5. People would want to come over to my house all the time to check out the perpetual motion machine and I’d be like, “Oh gosh sorry, I’m busy tonight” then later I’d be sitting at home bored wishing I would just clean up once in a while so I could have people over instead of having to always say I was busy. Then I’d do a load of laundry and vow to make plans with people who wanted to see the machine next time because it’s good to stay social especially in the winter.

6. I would have solved the energy crisis.

7. It would be a good way to prove to my parents that high school science never helped any one in the real world. I mean look! That D in Physics did not stop me from inventing the perpetual motion machine.

8. That drinking bird toy that always shows up in my dreams would be a premonition, not a neurosis.

9. I wouldn’t have to keep talking smack about Al Gore because I’ve had an inferiority complex since he won the Nobel Prize and I haven’t won anything except my family’s Thanksgiving Bowling tournament three years ago.

10. I could throw away the fake perpetual motion machine that now sits in the middle of my apartment.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

My sister is a married with two daughters in high school.  Her husband is a non-practicing Jew and she is an atheist (former Catholic). They do not celebrate Christmas and in a recent email she mentioned to me that “the girls were going shopping for Solstice.”

I’m not a big fan of organized religion or any religion for that matter.  I am, however, a big fan of Christmas, and by that I mean Santa and gingerbread houses not Mary and mangers.

Here are my questions:  Would I be out of line to send the family a Christmas card and a couple of small gifts for the girls?  Is it rude to simply ignore whatever hogwash they believe in?  And finally, what the hell do you get someone for Solstice anyway?

Signed,
Curious Elf

Dear Curious Elf,

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

This season TNT introduces the show Men of a Certain age. Continuing it’s tradition of producing shows that appeal to no one, TNT was eager to break into the middle-aged-men-in-tight-tee-shirts demographic.

The show piqued my interest because one of my favorite actors – the guy from Quantum Leap – is a lead. At first I thought it was Agent Mulder, but after I saw the commercial for the 800th time I realized with great excitement that it was Scott Bakula. I’ve been writing the cable networks for two years demanding them to bring back reruns of Quantum Leap. That show had everything: time travel, physics, adventure, a cigar smoking hologram advisor, and love. Plus, a hilarious episode hook- Dr. Sam Beckett’s signature “Oh Boy” when it was time for him to leap. Brilliant!

Moving on. The official synopsis: “Men of a Certain Age explores the unique bonds of male friendship among three men experiencing the changes and challenges of mid-life. They have been best friends since college but now, in their 40s, are navigating through the second act of their lives.”

I want to watch anything that features both Scott Bakula and Ray Romano. But who else exactly do the execs over at TNT think is going to watch this? Actual middle aged men don’t have a lot of interest in each other. They’re like goats; they acknowledge each other’s presence but don’t want to spend a lot of time in a group unless it’s to compete for food or sex. Middle aged women might normally want to watch the show and fantasize that their husbands are also sensitive and deep if it weren’t for vampires. Who needs actual hairy men when you can watch well dressed, lithe boys honing their androgynous love for human women? Vampires should be as threatening to regular men as The Girls Next Door is to regular women. The unrealistic expectation of sex partners is destroying the fabric of society!

I’m going to try and watch a couple episodes of Men of a Certain Age. If I could get through an episode of the new 90210 without putting a garbage bag over my head I can watch anything. I mean I did put a garbage bag over my head a couple of times but I had my neighbor here as a precaution and kept fighting it off me. She’s a really good friend.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I work in the Customer Service Department and a few times a week someone will email in something like “Your phone number ISN’T WORKING!!! WHAT IS GOING on? I am going to call the ATTORNEY’S GENERALS…”

Of course our phone number is working and they will often realize their error right after emailing us. My question is in two-parts: Why the CAPS, do they think they are shouting at us? And why do these people never email back to say, “I am sorry, I dialed your number incorrectly.”

Signed,

Show a little love after taking your foot out of your mouth.

Dear Show A Little Love,
I’m sure you are very competent and even tempered. I’m sure that the people who are emailing you are insane. The problem is, MOST customer service centers are cesspools of frustration and incompetency. So when otherwise normal people try and call an 800 number to get something relatively simple taken care of, they are expecting to get jerked around. Customers can’t write back to apologize for caps locking you, because we are now hardwired to think that just because we didn’t get jerked around one time doesn’t mean we can let our guard down. So, thanks a lot Comcast and AT&T.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I was watching a show on the science channel last night that featured a group of Harvard Physicists. Every single one of them had wild eyebrows. Or eyebrow rather. One wild eyebrow.

Obviously these are insanely smart people who aren’t caught up in their looks…but don’t you like it’s sort of deviant to be on a TV show and not even bother to tweeze out a couple of those mid-brow hairs?

Does asking this question make me terribly shallow?

Signed,
Maybe I’m Jealous Because They’re So Smart

Dear Jealous,
The exact answer to this question is unknown because it depends ones mood. In fact, that’s why it took me so long to provide an answer.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

In doing some research for my Master’s degree, I’ve been listening to a lot of speeches that George W. Bush gave. They make me feel so nostalgic! It turns out I miss his halting speech pattern and hilarious twang. But even more than that, I miss the solidarity we felt as a nation while we all hated him. I know I know, we didn’t ALL hate him…but towards the end it felt like it.

Now we are all back on opposite sides. As a militant Democrat, I thought I wouldn’t care about the divide as long as we had a competent president. But I’m not so sure. It’s annoying to try and convince people that Obama’s awesome, especially when I don’t agree with a lot of things he’s done so far. Maybe I’m getting old, but I’m just not up for political arguments anymore.

Is it disloyal of me to miss President Bush?

Signed,
Maybe I’ll Join The Green Party

Dear M.I.J.T.G.P.,
Political arguments are for people who like to hear themselves talk and don’t really give a crap if the other person listens. Naturally, I love political arguments. I consider them an exercise in using big words and sounding condescending. It’s not like anyone ever changed their mind after a heated political debate.