Everything will be ok
10 Things That When They Are Good They Are Very Very Good and When They Are Bad They Make You Question How Far Modern Society Has Actually Come:
1. Chinese Food
2. Children
3. Street Performances/ Street Performers
4. Plastic Surgery
5. Taxi Drivers
6. Doctors
7. Air Travel
8. Television Commercials
9. Facebook Updates
10. Jobs
Dear Readers,
Poor Lucky Me is taking a short vacation. Services will be down until Monday May 9th. We will be back up and running with witty observations and hilarious gags. Until then, I hope you don’t stray too far for your internet entertainment. Until then, I remain-
Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me
Monthly Horoscopes May 2010
Aries (March 21-April 19): Your girlfriend is going to find out you love Lady Gaga. At first you will both think it’s a cute thing you share but you’ll quickly grow suspicious of each other. Neither of you will be able to shake the feeling that there’s something wrong with the other person for liking that annoying awful music.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Your problem isn’t work or your relationship or your crappy car. It’s doughnut holes.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): Tuesday is not a good day to ride your bike to work. Your pants are going to get caught in the chain and show your ass-crack just as you pedal past the girl at work who you want to ask out.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): At your friend’s home in Wisconsin you will see a bat and become convinced that it is going to fly into your hair. It will not, but the very idea of bat-hair will haunt your trip.
Leo (July 23-August 22): You’re not the only person watching porno at work but be careful- you’re the most likely person to get fired for it.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): “I forgot” isn’t really a great excuse after the age of 15. Why don’t you invest in a pocket calender? Or use the calender in your cell phone? Or use a pen and a pad of paper?
Libra (September 23-October 23): Your friends don’t know how to tell you this…but you’re an awful drunk. They like you after two drinks, but once you black out you’re just too heavy to haul around.
Scorpio (October 24-November 21): Your suspicions about the cult you recently joined are correct.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): There’s a spider in your Caesar salad.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): The reason people don’t act impressed when you tell them how much money you make is that they don’t believe you. If you want to impress people, act coy about your salary but always pick up the check.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): The man at the coffee shop has been giving you the wrong change for two months hoping you’ll come back and talk to him.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Your relentlessly upbeat Facebook updates are not fooling anyone. But they are annoying everyone.
10 Things I Wish I Had Known About Porta-Potties Before I Used One Last Weekend*:
1. No one let’s the pregnant lady go first. In fact, people will gleefully budge past a pregnant lady if she’s moving a little slowly because she just did a 5k Cancer walk with NO complaining.
2. Although it seems obvious that there should be one line and the person in front should go to the next available porta-potty- as opposed to each person waiting in front of one potty- this is a concept that most people cannot grasp.
3. The phrase “Don’t let the door hit you on the ass” was obviously written after someone got hit on the ass with a porta-potty door. Those things are spring loaded and violent.
4. The actual toilet is just a big pit of blue chemicals. If you look down into it you will never be the same. I’m talking about a huge pile of waste, toilet paper and lost cell phones and sunglasses. Think of the porta-potty as a Medusa: Don’t look it in the eye.
5. You should put your cell phone in your front pocket (see #3)
6. Do not wear flip flops. I was thankfully in sneakers but I had gory fantasies of being in flip flops. When I got how I had to rinse my sneakers in diluted bleach.
7. Due to a lack of running water, after using the potty one can only hope that there is some green-apple scented hand sanitizer left.
8. Re: #7 the hand sanitizer is only scented green-apple. It is actually not flavored green-apple
9. Re: #7 & 8 the hand sanitizer is NOT a substitute for hand washing and therefore all eating or drinking or handshaking or nail biting must be postposed until one can find an actual sink. I may start carrying those soap singles on me from now on as a result of the porta-potty experience.
10. You are never really alone in a porta-potty. There is always at least one fly or one pervert watching you as you use the potty.
* I have been known to avoid porta-potties to the risk of my health- recall last year’s Taste Of Chicago Kidney Infection
Murder Chairs
Your Office Chair is Killing You
I knew it. I sit down in the morning and just get this ominous feeling. I try to ignore it but by 2pm I can tell the chair is trying to suck me in, trap me, consume me.
One time I woke up from a short nap and the chair had one arm over my mouth. I screamed and it let me go, but now that the media has confirmed my fears I have to be more careful.
Maybe I’ll get a stool.
