Pleased – Wednesday October 6th

My sudden and violent entrance into adulthood has made me realize how fragile many of our relationships are. I have a few friendships that feel effortless. It’s harder to find time to spend together now that we’re older, or live apart, but when I’m with these people I feel like I’m my whole self. That’s how I feel with my husband too- like I wasn’t even really myself until I met him.

 

I have other relationships that require so much dancing, flirting, back-peddling, and careful plotting. It didn’t used to bother me- if the person was fun or funny or dear I took pride in being able to have a relationship with challenge. But these days, in these grown-up days, I don’t think I have it in me anymore. I just to have normal relationships with normal people. So I think I’ll work on that for a while.

 

Anyway, who cares about all that? The real reason I’m writing today is to announce good news! Well the pills are WORKING! I mean I’m still crying all the time and really sad in the afternoons but I have no appetite and have therefor finally lost a little weight! Huzzah! Sure sure, I’ve been exercising so hard that I’ve been offered a towel for my sweat run-off more than once at the gym. That probably has a lot to do with it too. The point is, this little accomplishment (I’m being modest, actually I think it’s a HUGE accomplishment) has made me very pleased with myself. And that’s something to write about.

Peck…Peck…Monday October 4th

Well my idea got pushed back a few days. I thought that my afternoon battle with depression was just a phase (and hopefully it still is) but it’s not over yet. I have this big internal battle: Take the pills and feel clogged up creatively, or don’t take the pills and spend every single afternoon feeling like my brain and body are submersed in mud. I sucked it up and started taking the pills again. But it’s just been two days.

 

Oh man, I’m just sick of this. SICK. I cannot take it anymore. I feel like I’m going to have to start pulling my hairs out, or my eyelashes. Blech, that sounds so gross, I don’t want to pull anything out. I just want to be better. I WANT TO BE BETTER NOW.

 

I’m screaming in this blog post. My apologies. I feel like I’m stuck inside this grief, like I’m a baby chick and I can’t peck my way the hell out of here. If I can’t get myself to fight again, I’m going to lose everything I worked for over the past five years. I’ll back slide right into this self-absorbed, constantly complaining, low self-esteemed, agoraphobic turd who pretends to be outgoing so people don’t as a lot of questions. “Oh look at me, a hilarious chubster who loves to be the center of attention!” I can’t be that pretend person again. I have to get the fuck out of this egg immediately if not sooner.

 

So? What do I do? And don’t say go back to Second City…I just don’t feel like it.

Idea- Friday October 1st

Sorry about the lack of posting this week. I have written several sad sentences, but writers block kicks in quickly, and I don’t come up with anything I want to post. I think I want to try to tell our story in a different way- in a way that I’ve been practicing for these past four years. I’ll do some work this weekend and see what I some up with.

 

Tom and I are headed to my Uncle’s funeral this morning. Since Tommy Jr died I feel so close to other people’s grief it can be a little overwhelming. Sometimes it feels like I can crawl right into the cracks of a person’s broken heart. It’s not just death; I feel much closer to all kinds of heartbreak now. That closeness doesn’t come with a calmness however- my cuticles are bleeding even as I type this.

 

I hope my little boy is showing my Uncle around right now, and that they both know I’m still loving them from here.

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