The Day Before The Big Day- Wednesday August 17th

Tomorrow is our 20 week appointment and hour long ultra-sound. We get to find out who’s living in my stomach, how the little one is growing. I’m really excited, and only slightly scared. Although by tomorrow, I might be very very scared. I have noticed my sleeping patterns getting progressively worse as we’ve gotten closer to the appointment, but I might also be freaking out about the move. The move is taking up a lot of mental energy that would probably otherwise be spent worrying, so that’s good.

I’m also getting more comfortable lying about the number of children I have. Now I almost always say this is my first. I never ever thought I’d do it, but here I am- smiling and charming and lying through my teeth. I finally realized that people only ask you that question (Is this your first?) because they want to TELL you something, not because they really give a shit. I mean, what person who doesn’t know what happened would really care how many children I have? It’s not like they’re doing a survey or offering me a cash prize if I say the answer they want to hear, so why don’t I just lie and get the conversation over with? If I’m feeling really mean or crabby I might drop the dead baby bomb, but usually I say- Yes, this is my first- and then wait for them to tell me whatever they wanted to tell me in the first place.

Occasionally I can sense that it’s ok to tell the truth, but even then I usually end up doggedly reassuring the person that it’s fine, I’m fine, everything’s fine.

So really I’m lying either way.

If you’re reading this blog and you’re not a baby-loss parent or reproductively challenged, please consider this advice: If you strike up a conversation with a pregnant lady, just speak in present terms. Don’t ask about her fertility past, don’t make assumptions about the future. And if you want to talk about yourself, just do it. Don’t throw her a conversational bone just because you feel like too big of a jag talking non-stop about yourself. The lack of sincerity doesn’t de-jag you.

I never thought I’d be one of those people who had to build a wall around themselves. I thought I’d forever be this very honest, open person who tries to be self-aware and hopeful. It’s just luck and good genes that has allowed me to be this way for this long, but I think that emotional walls are a part of the human existence.

That’s enough hot air for one little blog entry. Tomorrow is a big day, no matter what happens. I love this child already, and by this time tomorrow I hope to be obsessing about something new: names!