I continue to defy the dictatorship of my refrigerator. “Fresh Produce” screams when I chuck a baggie of liquor store salami in the drawer. I am arrested and accused of subversion when I fill the egg compartment with condiments and cheese husks. I do not show up to testify- instead I send a letter through my lawyer that I don’t respect the jurisdiction of their court since I don’t recognize the arbitrary and oppressive government of the refrigerator. My ancestors fought wars to protect me against such organizational impositions. Crisper indeed! I reserve the right to fill that drawer with beers and limes.
In a bold political move I abstain from cleaning the refrigerator. It is helpless to retaliate as its innards fill with the noxious fumes of the birth of a micro-universe. I come home every night and smile smugly as I hear the refrigerator battle the pulsing, expanding colony of organisms. The post-food multiplies quickly and successive generations are stronger, wilier, more manipulative. What used to be the milk founds a fire-and-brimestone-style church and converts the Produce Drawer. I have to surrender my apartment to the on-going war between good and evil; dictator and guerilla rebels; refrigerator and mold (and exploded yogurt containers and rotten eggs, etc). When some one on the elevator jokes about the “Smelly 9th Floor” I laugh nervously and implicate the couple down the hall with an eye roll.
The war itself becomes oppressive. What began as an assertion of my rights- both as a human and an appliance user- now drags on as both sides recreate a culture of war.
In the end I buy a spray bottle of Kaboom- it is amazing! I decimated the post-food universe and regained control of the refrigerator in less than an hour. In 50 minutes the epic battle was just a memory- a mystery to the other residents of the 9th floor. But at that moment, the crumbs at the bottom of the toaster began to organize…
LOVE this post. if you say you can’t write on antidepressants i say you just weren’t trying hard enough. this is fantastic.
Tina beat me to it. I wanted to be one to comment with an all-caps “LOVE” on this post! You’re freakin’ talented my dear. My favorite part: “both as a human and an appliance user.” So funny!
Simply hilarious!
OMG…you are so talented! I LOVED this post too! Thank you for sending me your address. You need to be writing a book. I loved the cliffhanger ending with the toaster crumbs organizing. 🙂 Keep writing.