10 Things That When They Are Good They Are Very Very Good and When They Are Bad They Make You Question How Far Modern Society Has Actually Come:

1. Chinese Food

2. Children

3. Street Performances/ Street Performers

4. Plastic Surgery

5. Taxi Drivers

6. Doctors

7. Air Travel

8. Television Commercials

9. Facebook Updates

10. Jobs

Dear Readers,
Poor Lucky Me is taking a short vacation. Services will be down until Monday May 9th. We will be back up and running with witty observations and hilarious gags. Until then, I hope you don’t stray too far for your internet entertainment. Until then, I remain-
Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

10 Things I Wish I Had Known About Porta-Potties Before I Used One Last Weekend*:

1. No one let’s the pregnant lady go first. In fact, people will gleefully budge past a pregnant lady if she’s moving a little slowly because she just did a 5k Cancer walk with NO complaining.

2. Although it seems obvious that there should be one line and the person in front should go to the next available porta-potty- as opposed to each person waiting in front of one potty- this is a concept that most people cannot grasp.

3. The phrase “Don’t let the door hit you on the ass” was obviously written after someone got hit on the ass with a porta-potty door. Those things are spring loaded and violent.

4. The actual toilet is just a big pit of blue chemicals. If you look down into it you will never be the same. I’m talking about a huge pile of waste, toilet paper and lost cell phones and sunglasses. Think of the porta-potty as a Medusa: Don’t look it in the eye.

5. You should put your cell phone in your front pocket (see #3)

6. Do not wear flip flops. I was thankfully in sneakers but I had gory fantasies of being in flip flops. When I got how I had to rinse my sneakers in diluted bleach.

7. Due to a lack of running water, after using the potty one can only hope that there is some green-apple scented hand sanitizer left.

8. Re: #7 the hand sanitizer is only scented green-apple. It is actually not flavored green-apple

9. Re: #7 & 8 the hand sanitizer is NOT a substitute for hand washing and therefore all eating or drinking or handshaking or nail biting must be postposed until one can find an actual sink. I may start carrying those soap singles on me from now on as a result of the porta-potty experience.

10. You are never really alone in a porta-potty. There is always at least one fly or one pervert watching you as you use the potty.

* I have been known to avoid porta-potties to the risk of my health- recall last year’s Taste Of Chicago Kidney Infection

Your Office Chair is Killing You

I knew it.  I  sit down in the morning and just get this ominous feeling.  I try to ignore it but by 2pm I can tell the chair is trying to suck me in, trap me, consume me.

One time I woke up from a short nap and the chair had one arm over my mouth. I screamed and it let me go, but now that the media has confirmed my fears I have to be more careful.

Maybe I’ll get a stool.

I’ve been reading about Stephanie Grace, the Harvard Law student who sent out a mass email explaining her view on the intelligence of American Americans. It wasn’t good. The email was long and boring and full of a lot of pseudo-psycho babble bullshit.

Actually, it reads like a chicken who had its head cut off but was still able to achieve high accolades at Harvard Law School then get behind a computer and started flapping its wings on the keyboard right before it finally died. You know what I mean.

It’s a sad story for several reasons. First, obviously, it’s sad to see such a pathetic example of racism and naivete by one of our (or so we thought) intellectual elites. Second, this girl is ruined…she might be a complete asshole, but her life is now ruined because of an email. Third, black students at Harvard (and now, elsewhere) have to read more racist crap just when we all thought we were making strides as a nation.

But the reality of the situation is that this girls doesn’t deserve to be a successful lawyer. If she can’t think ahead two steps to what might happen if you send out a racially charged email, you probably aren’t going to do that well as an attorney. For god’s sake, if you make it to the third year at Harvard law and NO ONE ever mentioned that you shouldn’t put in writing anything you couldn’t read to your boss, mother and grandmother- you’re not going to do that well as an attorney. Granted, I’ve written a lot of emails I regret. A lot. But I’m not going to be a lawyer, and my wild successes have everything to do with my charming personality and wit and nothing to do with my intelligence or forethought.

Maybe these things are obvious to me me because I am the granddaughter, daughter, and sister of very successful lawyers. Or maybe because I’m not a racist. But really I think it’s obvious to me because at my very core I’m just not a god damned idiot.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

Your readers must know: What are you going to name your baby? May we submit ideas? I have some very good, unique suggestions that I’m happy to donate to your baby.

With Love,
Idea Factory

Dear Idea Factory,

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Because I am extremely grown-up, I went on a business trip to New York City. Because I am extremely important, I flew first class.

Before I boarded the plane I gulped down some airport food and beverages to avoid what I thought would be a typical dire airplane meal situation. After all, in coach we peons are forced to buy “snack packs” which guarantee at least three days of constipation. It turns out that first class is a pregnant lady’s dream come true. The flight attendants are warm and attentive. The food and beverages flow like wine at a Bacchanal Festival. And best of all- the bathroom is no further than 12 feet from your chair, and never has a line.

When I first sat down I was timid and unsure of myself. I meekly asked for a class of water, and when offered breakfast I stared at the flight attendant blankly. She listed a few things I could order, so I politely asked for a bagel and strawberries. But once my meal came, I turned into someone else.

Just a bagel? No, please also bring me the yogurt and cereal and a glass of orange juice and ANOTHER glass of orange juice and now I’m talking like I’m drunk of orange juice! Now please hold my tray up so I can blob out of my seat and go to the bathroom for the 10th time! Mwahahaha hot towel? Yes! More water! Yes! I felt like King Henry the 8th minus the leg sores and regicide.

The trip home was just as delightful. I don’t see how I can even go back to sitting in coach. This must be how they get you.

10 Phrases or Words That Should be Purged From the English Language:

1. Wheeeeeew ( As in Wheeeeew we won a reality TV-inspired Game show!)

2. Literally (There is literally no reason to use this word)

3. I love that shirt/coat/bag/etc. Where did you get it? (Why do you need to know? Are you going to buy the same thing? Because it sounds like you just want to be judgmental about where I shop. Besides, the answer is probably Marshall’s)

4. The Black Eyed Peas are awesome!

5. I’ll Be Back or Hasta La Vista Baby (As uttered by Arnold Schwarzenegger or anyone doing a Schwarzenegger impression)

6. Awesomeness (I thought it was awesome too- until all kinds of turdy people started using it. Now it’s unawesome)

7. The Taco Bell diet.

8. Going Green (especially if you are a gas station, Barney’s of New York, or any fast food restaurant)

9. I could really go for a massage

10. Skim, Non-fat, extra-hot, no foam, dry, etc etc etc.

Dear PLM:

I was fascinated by the recent volcanic ash cloud that skulked over Europe and beyond. Part of me was very jealous of the business travelers who were “trapped” in London on company expense accounts. I was also saddened by the stories of students and families who were stuck on their own dime while hotels jacked up rates. Shame on them.

Here is my question: If sophisticated jetliners weren’t able to fly, what are the implications of an ash cloud from a military perspective? I’m not sure if you have a jet pilot’s license, but I am curious.

If jet fighters can’t fly in an ash cloud, we should consider developing an ash cloud defense system. Simply create an ash cloud (maybe from Whitney Houston’s career) and sprinkle it over our enemy. They would be trapped in airports, forced to sleep on cots, and gouged by food and drink prices.

Am I brilliant or crazy?

Signed,
Former JROTC (Junior Reserve Officer’s Training Corps)

Dear Former JROTC,

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me