Monday May 10th, 2010. Thomas Nathan Guillen Jr was born at 24 weeks and 5 days. I went into preterm labor and delivered Baby Tommy via C-Section. It was so scary and so shocking that if you saw a movie about the day you would think it was incredibly unrealistic. But Tom Sr was there by my side the whole time, assuring me that soon we would have our beautiful son and we’d make it. Baby Tommy weighed 1 pound 14 ounces and was 13 inches long. A big boy for less than 25 weeks! Tom Sr sneaked out to get a peek at him and came back to report: “He’s very cute, he looks like me”.

 

When the surgery was over and they brought me to recovery we were elated. My baby was born alive! Tom and I cried with joy and relief. Both our families were there- shaken up but proud grandparents, aunts and uncles. After a couple hours we were taken to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Thomas Nathan Junior was perfect. He had big hands and feet, and Tom’s exact ears. He could tell we were there despite the heavy sedative, tubes and wires. We fell so deeply in love with our son it felt like we each grew an extra heart.

 

The next couple of days were a routine of pain medication, prayers, visits to the NICU and bouts of despair. It was hard for me to care about my own recovery. Friends and family texted and emailed their support. Everyone was rooting for little Tommy. But then the bad news started rolling in. Our sweet baby was just too young. He was a fighter, but he couldn’t fight hard enough. His lungs were diseased and his brain started to bleed.

 

By Thursday we knew that Tommy’s chances were not good. Head ultrasounds revealed the worst case scenario. Tom Sr. and I tried to intellectualize what was happening. But as we started to tell our family that little Tommy wasn’t going to make it, we realized our new hearts couldn’t understand.

 

Tom Sr and I cherished every moment we were with Tommy. We were so proud of our son- he was a perfect, beautiful fighter. He made us ecstatic with joy when we were with him. Every time we went up to the NICU to be with Tommy Jr we couldn’t stop smiling We were relaxed and laughing and tripping over each other to tell him stories about each other and our family and what it was like to be pregnant with him. We told him we couldn’t get over what an impatient little baby he was- again taking after his Daddy who was early everywhere he went.

 

We thanked Tommy Jr for waiting- his Unkie Kev and Auntie Crissy were on their way home from New York City, and they really wanted to meet him. He had met the rest of his family and loved being held in his little incubator house. His family’s caresses made him so calm – a brief respite from the constant medical invasion. We spent Friday introducing him to our loved ones- we were proud of our friends and family. Everyone was able to access the same joy of being near and touching such a special little baby.

 

Friday night we got a special call from his nurses: they made arrangements so that Tom Sr and I could both hold Baby Tommy. They could take him out of his incubator and lay him right on our bare chests. Watching the team of four nurses transfer all his equipment and wires to more portable versions was stressful. Every pulled cord broke our hearts a little but Baby Tommy remained stable

 

When they laid my son on my chest I felt an explosion of love and happiness. It was one of the best moments of my life. I could stroke his back and kiss his little head. He squirmed up higher on me, like he wanted to snuggle as hard as he could. We lay there for an hour, then put him on Tom Sr’s chest. Seeing Tom Sr with his perfect son against his chest was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Tom took deep breaths of his son’s sweet smell, and laughed when Tommy Jr kicked his little feet against his chest. We were both infected by the calm and joy of holding our son.

 

Saturday morning Kevin and Crissy arrived. They were so happy to meet their nephew and we told Tommy Jr that Kevin was going to teach him how to be properly naughty. They both cradled him in his incubator and fell in love. We were so grateful to sweet Tommy for waiting to meet his whole family. It wasn’t easy for him and it made us more able to understand if he had to go.

 

Little Tommy Jr came early to say hello and give us the best week of our lives. His sweet spirit touch everyone who knew him, and his fight inspired us all. But in the end we knew he couldn’t stay. He had to leave us, maybe to be reborn as another person’s baby to spread his infectious joy. Then grow up and be a baseball player or a rockstar.

 

Saturday May 15th, 2010 the complication of his brain bleed became insurmountable. My oldest brother (another Tom!) helped us wade through the medical jargon and understand what was really happening. The doctors told us we didn’t have much time with Tommy. So at 5:30 we gathered in the NICU family room and Tom and I held Tommy on our chests again. I called over each family member and introduced them again to Tommy, and told him how special they were. Then everyone kissed him and said goodbye. We asked our family to leave and wait for us in our apartment. We wanted to say goodbye alone, as a new little family.

 

When the doctors and nurses finally removed all the IV’s and tubes and cords, Tommy looked relieved. We got to hold him in our arms just like a healthy little baby. We got to kiss his face and toes and hands. He was finally free, he was finally a little boy. He stayed with us for almost two hours, we finally even got to hear him coo. Tom and I never cried. We were so happy for our son. We wanted him to be free of pain and just be with his family. It was a wonderful day- May 10th he was born, May 15th he was reborn.

 

10 Things That When They Are Good They Are Very Very Good and When They Are Bad They Make You Question How Far Modern Society Has Actually Come:

 

1. Chinese Food

 

2. Children

 

3. Street Performances/ Street Performers

 

4. Plastic Surgery

 

5. Taxi Drivers

 

6. Doctors

 

7. Air Travel

 

8. Television Commercials

 

9. Facebook Updates

 

10. Jobs

 

Dear Readers,
Poor Lucky Me is taking a short vacation. Services will be down until Monday May 9th. We will be back up and running with witty observations and hilarious gags. Until then, I hope you don’t stray too far for your internet entertainment. Until then, I remain-
Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

10 Things I Wish I Had Known About Porta-Potties Before I Used One Last Weekend*:

 

1. No one let’s the pregnant lady go first. In fact, people will gleefully budge past a pregnant lady if she’s moving a little slowly because she just did a 5k Cancer walk with NO complaining.

 

2. Although it seems obvious that there should be one line and the person in front should go to the next available porta-potty- as opposed to each person waiting in front of one potty- this is a concept that most people cannot grasp.

3. The phrase “Don’t let the door hit you on the ass” was obviously written after someone got hit on the ass with a porta-potty door. Those things are spring loaded and violent.

 

4. The actual toilet is just a big pit of blue chemicals. If you look down into it you will never be the same. I’m talking about a huge pile of waste, toilet paper and lost cell phones and sunglasses. Think of the porta-potty as a Medusa: Don’t look it in the eye.

 

5. You should put your cell phone in your front pocket (see #3)

 

6. Do not wear flip flops. I was thankfully in sneakers but I had gory fantasies of being in flip flops. When I got how I had to rinse my sneakers in diluted bleach.

 

7. Due to a lack of running water, after using the potty one can only hope that there is some green-apple scented hand sanitizer left.

 

8. Re: #7 the hand sanitizer is only scented green-apple. It is actually not flavored green-apple

 

9. Re: #7 & 8 the hand sanitizer is NOT a substitute for hand washing and therefore all eating or drinking or handshaking or nail biting must be postposed until one can find an actual sink. I may start carrying those soap singles on me from now on as a result of the porta-potty experience.

 

10. You are never really alone in a porta-potty. There is always at least one fly or one pervert watching you as you use the potty.

 

* I have been known to avoid porta-potties to the risk of my health- recall last year’s Taste Of Chicago Kidney Infection

Your Office Chair is Killing You

 

I knew it.  I  sit down in the morning and just get this ominous feeling.  I try to ignore it but by 2pm I can tell the chair is trying to suck me in, trap me, consume me.

 

One time I woke up from a short nap and the chair had one arm over my mouth. I screamed and it let me go, but now that the media has confirmed my fears I have to be more careful.

 

Maybe I’ll get a stool.

I’ve been reading about Stephanie Grace, the Harvard Law student who sent out a mass email explaining her view on the intelligence of American Americans. It wasn’t good. The email was long and boring and full of a lot of pseudo-psycho babble bullshit.

 

Actually, it reads like a chicken who had its head cut off but was still able to achieve high accolades at Harvard Law School then get behind a computer and started flapping its wings on the keyboard right before it finally died. You know what I mean.

 

It’s a sad story for several reasons. First, obviously, it’s sad to see such a pathetic example of racism and naivete by one of our (or so we thought) intellectual elites. Second, this girl is ruined…she might be a complete asshole, but her life is now ruined because of an email. Third, black students at Harvard (and now, elsewhere) have to read more racist crap just when we all thought we were making strides as a nation.

 

But the reality of the situation is that this girls doesn’t deserve to be a successful lawyer. If she can’t think ahead two steps to what might happen if you send out a racially charged email, you probably aren’t going to do that well as an attorney. For god’s sake, if you make it to the third year at Harvard law and NO ONE ever mentioned that you shouldn’t put in writing anything you couldn’t read to your boss, mother and grandmother- you’re not going to do that well as an attorney. Granted, I’ve written a lot of emails I regret. A lot. But I’m not going to be a lawyer, and my wild successes have everything to do with my charming personality and wit and nothing to do with my intelligence or forethought.

 

Maybe these things are obvious to me me because I am the granddaughter, daughter, and sister of very successful lawyers. Or maybe because I’m not a racist. But really I think it’s obvious to me because at my very core I’m just not a god damned idiot.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

Your readers must know: What are you going to name your baby? May we submit ideas? I have some very good, unique suggestions that I’m happy to donate to your baby.

 

With Love,
Idea Factory

 

Dear Idea Factory,

 

Thank you! My man and I welcome ALL suggestions from my loyal PLM readers! In fact, I urge you to email or comment your suggestions throughout this pregnancy (which will end around August 25th, 2010).

 

We have considered the tradition naming-the-baby-after-our grandparents and the old Junior route, but something a little spicier would be nice too. Here are some names still on the table:

 

Optimus Prime

 

Patrick Swayze

 

Peter Frances the Seventh

 

Led Zepplin

 

Hurricane

 

I’d love to hear your comments and or suggestions.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Because I am extremely grown-up, I went on a business trip to New York City. Because I am extremely important, I flew first class.

 

Before I boarded the plane I gulped down some airport food and beverages to avoid what I thought would be a typical dire airplane meal situation. After all, in coach we peons are forced to buy “snack packs” which guarantee at least three days of constipation. It turns out that first class is a pregnant lady’s dream come true. The flight attendants are warm and attentive. The food and beverages flow like wine at a Bacchanal Festival. And best of all- the bathroom is no further than 12 feet from your chair, and never has a line.

 

When I first sat down I was timid and unsure of myself. I meekly asked for a class of water, and when offered breakfast I stared at the flight attendant blankly. She listed a few things I could order, so I politely asked for a bagel and strawberries. But once my meal came, I turned into someone else.

 

Just a bagel? No, please also bring me the yogurt and cereal and a glass of orange juice and ANOTHER glass of orange juice and now I’m talking like I’m drunk of orange juice! Now please hold my tray up so I can blob out of my seat and go to the bathroom for the 10th time! Mwahahaha hot towel? Yes! More water! Yes! I felt like King Henry the 8th minus the leg sores and regicide.

 

The trip home was just as delightful. I don’t see how I can even go back to sitting in coach. This must be how they get you.

10 Phrases or Words That Should be Purged From the English Language:

 

1. Wheeeeeew ( As in Wheeeeew we won a reality TV-inspired Game show!)

 

2. Literally (There is literally no reason to use this word)

 

3. I love that shirt/coat/bag/etc. Where did you get it? (Why do you need to know? Are you going to buy the same thing? Because it sounds like you just want to be judgmental about where I shop. Besides, the answer is probably Marshall’s)

 

4. The Black Eyed Peas are awesome!

 

5. I’ll Be Back or Hasta La Vista Baby (As uttered by Arnold Schwarzenegger or anyone doing a Schwarzenegger impression)

 

6. Awesomeness (I thought it was awesome too- until all kinds of turdy people started using it. Now it’s unawesome)

 

7. The Taco Bell diet.

 

8. Going Green (especially if you are a gas station, Barney’s of New York, or any fast food restaurant)

 

9. I could really go for a massage

 

10. Skim, Non-fat, extra-hot, no foam, dry, etc etc etc.