That being said, I watched the video and I think the AP has misinterpreted the outrage generated by the video. I’m pretty sure that the reason people hate Akron is because this is one of the most annoying videos/songs I have ever seen/heard. I mean really, I’d rather listen to “Poker Face” for a week straight then be subjected to this crap one more time. Seriously. My dog shot a cooler video when I strapped a video camera to her back at the park and played chop sticks on my old Casio keyboard.

So do not despair. Organized religion still has it’s problems (see how reserved I’m being about my hot-button issue?) but this particular incident is more about crap pop-culture than religious intolerance.

I also had rude awakening to the following events: being required to get my emissions tested, paying for doctor’s bills, feeding myself, awakening myself. These are things that a healthy childhood just do not prepare you for. Slowly throughout my 20’s it finally dawned on me that I would need to make a list. It’s titled: Grown Up Business. Sadly the list has grown longer and longer, to now include: contributing to a retirement account, establishing a savings account, renters insurance, bathing daily. But I get more used to it and enjoy accomplishing things.

I’m afraid you might be in trouble. I advise you to contact a tax attorney right away. The sooner you clear up your past mistakes the better. You’ll be ok, just get your list started.

Not only are you reacting appropriately, but you are exposing those car dealership bastards!

The last time I had to get a loaner car they acted like such turds when I returned it because I had Sharpied out all the stupid bumper stickers advertising the dealership. I was doing them a favor though- because if I were them I wouldn’t want anyone to notice how often loaner cars have to go out while they fix the overpriced crap car they sold someone three months ago. I also spilled a Slurpie on the radio and shorted out the dashboard electronics, but I don’t really see how that’s my fault.

What? Are you never supposed to eat or drink or cry or sleep or vomit or breed feeder mice or urinate or allow homeless people to camp out in the loaner car? This is America! We won’t stand to be oppressed by arbitrary rules anymore. Who cares if I’m planning to host a bachelor party in the backseat of the loaner car? Is that crime?

Hey speaking of that bachelor party, I wonder if it’s a bad idea to serve ribs. Is that too messy for a Kia Sophia?

Start by leaning in one day and kicking up a conversation about some one else in your office- we’ll call her Kathy for the sake of this exercise. Consider letting Kathy in on this technique, in case the offender busts you out.

Describe to the offender all the things that SHE does- “Doesn’t it drive you crazy when Kathy talks so loudly on the phone about all aspects of her personal life?” The real offender will agree and be relieved to be given positive attention for once. Then say- “I hope that some one would give me a signal if I ever did annoying crap like that.” You’ll get an enthusiastic nod and possibly a boring story. When you can cut in say- “Let’s make signals we can give each other when the other person is being too loud, because I don’t want to be bothersome to people. We can trust each other to be honest.” She’ll be on board at this point. Make up a little signal that you two can share- a wink, a tap on the head, etc.

This woman will be so delighted to be paid attention to that she’ll want to please you. She will love having a secret little game with you. Plus, once you endear yourself to her, you can be more direct- like saying “Maybe you should start a blog about your cat and your car accident, because more people will be able to know about it.”

If this trick doesn’t work, you should start talking much louder whenever she’s on the phone, and whisper when you speak to her in person.

The English language can be intimidating. I admire your knowledge of pronunciation and your sensitivity. There are is a good trick you can try to ease your anxiety. If you encounter someone who’s name you’re not sure of, say “what an interesting name, would you spell that for me?”.

Be aware though, it can backfire. Once I was on the phone with a guy and I said: “Ok let me write this down- will you do me a favor and spell your name for me? I’m the worst speller!” After a pregnant pause he said “Sure it’s M-I-K-E S-M-I-T-H”. I guess I should have taken a stab at pronouncing that one. Well better safe then sorry.

As far as offending people, I think that your intentions are good and that’s the best you can do. No matter how sensitive you are, you may still come across the Anferny’s and A’toole DaSchmuck’s of the world. Poor A’toole, he was such an angry guy.

Some people are looking for things to be offended by, but other people want to connect and be understood. Sometimes I think that people who take serious offense to good intentions are doing you a favor- they’re telling you a lot about themselves. Just be nice, be caring, be patient with everyone you meet no matter how the react to you. That’s the best any of can do.

Beware of anyone trying to make judgements about “sophistication” and “culture”. As long as you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom, use silverware, read a couple non-Twilght books a year and keep your reality TV conversation to a minimum, you’re fine.

Hey do you ever scan craigslist.com and goad people into fighting there? I think those are probably the best fights, because they’re so pointless. They’re not even about ethics or politics, just strangers bickering with each other to no end. It’s as awesome as it is totally depressing.

I bet that if it wasn’t so easy to get food this kind of stuff wouldn’t happen. I mean, stranger’s comments wouldn’t drive you to the edge if you weren’t so warm and safe and well fed. It’s like we have to create things to struggle for, because we don’t have to worry about the basics anymore.

Personally, I start to go insane when I’m hungry. Just the other day I knocked down a little kid and ate her sandwich while I hunched in the street because it was 12:45 pm and I hadn’t had lunch. I could probably parlay that instinct into some sweet hunting skills.

Multitasking has made it impossible to enjoy life’s simple joys. I used to happily sit, or read, or bath. These things didn’t need to be combined. Once again, The Man has convinced us poor suckers that multi-tasking is an important skill. It’s not your fault, I fell for it too.

I sat in the bath tub the other day, talking loudly to my neighbor through the vent, watching television on my phone, training my dog to open and close doors, learning a new language using the Rosetta Stone, and I couldn’t help but wonder where this was all taking me. I will never achieve an enlightened detachment from the physical world at this point.

Additionally, I just moved into a small apartment with a shockingly large bath tub. It’s so comfortable because I have really short legs and usually I secretly feel like I’m moments away from drowning in the tub.

Other people cope with their crappy multitasking ability by doing several things badly at the same time. Do not feel pressured to follow the American descent into indifference and bad service. Besides, a 70’s Camero is much more than partially cool, and deserves your full attention.

Also, I’m afraid your condo board is pretty typical. Nothing gets under my skin like people saying “nay” to planting more flowers on the sun deck, then having a 5 minute debate over it. I’ve decided to start studying the cultural phenomenon of people arguing at meetings because they figure since they’re at the meeting they might as well expend some energy.

As you know I don’t not share that sentiment. I take all meetings as an opportunity to practice sleeping with my eyes closed. Soon I’ll be able to sleep the entire work day and stay up all night doing whatever I please…mostly watching old episodes of “Millionare Matchmaker” and yelling at the television.