10 Signs That Taco Bell Is Actually A Subversive Organization

 

1. The Fourth Meal…they’re going to happily bill themselves as the thing to eat when you’re too wasted to care?

 

2. Trying to pass off the Taco Bell diet as a legitimate way to lose weight. It’s for people who want to lose weight but refuse to cut out fast food.

 

3. Introducing shrimp tacos.

 

4. What ever happened to that Chihuahua spokesperson? Or Eric Estrada? Why do the Taco Bell spokespeople keep disappearing? It’s almost as if they know too much…Charles Barkley better watch out.

 

5. Why do the tacos have to be so cheap? A 49 cent taco is more than just a fast food item, it’s an agenda.

 

6. My dog refused to eat the ground beef in a Chalupa. And she eats garbage.

 

7. The Volcano Nachos feature reduced fat sour cream. In case your diet features nachos but restricts your full fat dairy intake.

 

8. The Fruitista Freeze.

 

9. Cinnamon Twists taste suspiciously like Soylent Green.

 

10. Remember that song “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell”? That’s propaganda.

 

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
Please enlighten us: What is up with the movie “Hot Tub Time Machine”? Has everyone is Hollywood just decided to go home and leave the movie ideas to a room full of monkeys?

 

Every time I see the commercial for that movie I feel my soul shrivel up a little more.

 

Signed,
I Thought Of That Movie In Eighth Grade

 

Dear I.T.O.T.M.I.E.G.,
Your assessment is close, but not quite accurate. The screenwriting monkeys were emancipated in the 90’s, right after Weekend at Bernie’s Part II. Then the powerful Hollywood Executives devised an elaborate formula, sort of like a giant Mad Libs. The just have interns plug in various nouns, adjectives, romantic interests, hilarious situations and touching outcomes.

 

There are still creative people try desperately to make worthwhile films, but they’re little match for Hot Tub Time Machine and the like. The creative types have to work five times as hard and once their movies are made they have to sit in their mother’s basement, biting their nails and hoping that a love interest won’t be added in the final edit.

 

The writers and producers of H.T.T.M. hope that you’ll be so delighted by their awesome jokes about leg warmers and cassette tapes that you won’t notice that watching the movie has actually made you dumber.
Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

I’m curious about the history of bed pans. Particularly: what ever happened to them? Where did they go? Why don’t people use them any more?

 

See, I am having this debate with my partner. Just because there is a flush toilet a few yards away from the bed doesn’t make it convenient. You have to get up, stumble across the bedroom, bumping your knee on the corner of the bed or tripping over your clothes and shoes and old pizza boxes, and then get to the bathroom, figure out where the toilet is, and aim as best you can. The result is a mess that you are too tired to deal with, and then you get back to bed and you can’t go back to sleep. Wouldn’t a little chamber pot be so much easier?

 

I sure think so, but he doesn’t seem to keen. Any additional rationale you can think of to help win over my significant other would be most welcome. And any phone numbers of bed pan dealers would be good.

 

Also, how do you use it? Do you just roll to your side and let loose, or do you have to kneel, or crouch? Is it OK for that rare midnight number two? Etc.

 

Sincerely,

Thinking of getting one anyway and not telling him

 

Dear Thinking,
The history of the bedpan is a long and fascinating one. However, I think what you’re talking about is the bedpan’s more sophisticated cousin: the chamber pot. The chamber pot is still used today in countries that lack universal indoor plumber, as well as in some homes (such as your own) where residents are fed up with more modern means of evacuation.

 

Unfortunately, Poor Lucky Me cannot condone the use of chamber pots if modern facilities are available. While I understand and sympathize with your aversion to getting up in the middle of the night, I am a true devotee of the toilet. To eschew the toilet for a chamber pot would feel like abandoning a pen for a hammer and chisel. Like throwing away your shoes and wrapping your feet in plastic shopping bags and duct tape. It’s too meaningful an invention in my life to look for any other solutions.

 

Also- it is advised not to go number two in a chamber pot.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

Why is peeing in the pool frowned upon, but fish peeing in the ocean is totally acceptable? Lakes, rivers and ponds are also victims of nature.

 

Best Wishes,
Just Wondering

 

Dear Just Wondering,
I don’t think that fish urination is acceptable either. In fact, I strongly frown on the fish and other wildlife who pollute the world’s bodies of water with their excrement. If we have to learn to use a toilet with regularity and accuracy, why shouldn’t they? Ducks especially. Those ducks think they’re so great.

 

On the other hand, humans pour pollutants into the oceans and rivers. I think the Cayahoga River even caught fire once. Or maybe that was Lake Erie? The point is, I guess we can suffer a little fish pee as long as they don’t start dumping their chemical waste into our streets and homes. That should be the deal.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

I’ve become really really close with a cocktail waitress at the local sexy-cocktail-waitress place in my small town. On one hand I feel like she really likes me, on the other hand I know that I give her really big tips.

 

Is it totally pathetic to admit I have a crush on her? Is it worse than pathetic, is it sort of stalker-y?

 

Signed,
In Love-Ish

 

Dear In Love-Ish,
It’s neither pathetic nor stalker-y. Don’t put such negative labels on your feelings. I would say it’s just not terribly realistic.

 

I am not cynical by nature, but there are a few things I’ve learned to be pretty universal:

 

1. People are more likely to act as if they like you if you pay them.

 

2. If some one does like you romantically, they are very clear about it.

 

3. Strippers, cocktail waitresses and small town girls have been known to send mixed signals.

 

The bottom line is that sometimes you just want to practice being kind and sexy with someone, so that when the right girl comes along you’re ready. But don’t spend a lot of energy on someone doesn’t clearly reciprocate your affection.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

10 Reasons I’m Glad I Don’t Have to Eat Live Food, Like Wild Animals Do:

 

1. I’m a reluctant carnivore.

 

2. I’m a slow runner and even if guns are allowed I dislike loud noises.

 

3. I faint immediately at the sight of blood.

 

4. I’ve been known to gag viciously at the site of gristle on a steak.

 

5. Duck is the gamiest thing I’ve ever eaten. And it was at a country club. And I thought it was gross.

 

6. I find sushi gruesome.

 

7. Once I killed a spider in my bathroom and demanded my roommate wake up to attend the subsequent funeral. He now sleeps with his door locked.

 

8. What if I did succeed in running down a deer or a cow and then it turned around and kicked me with it’s hooves? Then I’ve hobbling around with a hoof kick to the gut? I’m sure I wouldn’t get workers comp for that.

 

9. I’m a picky eater. What if I murder a chicken and decide I’m more in the mood for grouse? Think of the potential carnage!

 

10. Eating live food would cut into my TV watching time.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

I’ve been invited to an Oscar party Sunday night and have only seen one Nominated movie- Avatar. Any tips for what I can say to not look like so out of touch? And don’t say “just be honest” because I’ve tried that before and it’s just not my style.

 

Yours,
More of a Television Fan

 

Dear Television Fan,
I really urge you to revisit being honest, it’s always the easiest way to go through life. if you feel like you just can’t get there, here are five stock answers you can choose from. If you’re in the right setting, people probably won’t question you:

 

1. I saw better acting in my niece’s 8th grade performance of “The Whiz” .

 

2. It’s refreshing to see such unique art direction.

 

3. I didn’t like that film because I read that the director is a misogynist.

 

4. Oh, I must have been in the bathroom during the part where that movie got good, because I thought it sucked.

 

5. That was a rip off of a French film I saw in 2001.

 

Remember- if you ever get busted not knowing what you’re talking about, laugh maniacally and say “I WAS KIDDING”

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I was reading an article in Vanity Fair about “The Bling Ring” It was a bunch of rich kids who had the balls to break into celebrities’ homes and steal stuff. Their justification boiled down to little more that “We wanted more stuff.”

 

At first I was outraged. Then I was disgusted. Then I wondered why celebrities don’t have security systems in their homes…

 

My Grandmother has a security system and all she has to steal is some grapefruit juice and stockings from the 1970’s.

 

Are celebrities really that dumb?
Signed,
Should I Steal Stuff Too?

 

Dear Should I Steal Stuff Too,
From what I read, the celebs did have security systems. They just also left windows or doors unlocked. So I don’t know if they’re dumb or if they’re houses are just too big.

 

See, that’s why I live in a 500 square foot apartment with a roommate and a dog. It’s easy to clean (if I were so inclined) easy to find stuff (check the piles on the floor first) and easy to lock up (turn lock on door, latch single window).

 

The other trick to not getting robbed is not to fill your home with Rolex’s and designer clothes. A Casio calculator watch and two pairs of Levis ought to do the trick, whether your a celebrity or just take a low interest in your appearance. We need to divorce ourselves, as a culture from thinking things are really cool. You know what’s really cool? ACTUALLY BEING COOL. Although that’s very difficult- not for me, but for other people.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

 

P.S. Don’t steal stuff.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

I’ve been dating this really great guy for about six weeks. It’s been a dream relationship so far. But I guess if things are too good to be true…well you know how that goes. Last night we were at a beautiful fancy dinner. The table was lit by soft candles, the good was perfect, the wine was magnificent. He reached across the table and took my hand, gazing deep into my eyes and said: “You know what I thought was a really good movie that everyone else hated? Titanic.”

 

Needless to say I was crushed, and am considering breaking up with him now. I just don’t know how to relate to someone who would say something like that.

 

What would you do?

 

Signed,
Broken Hearted

 

Dear Broken Hearted,
I think you already know the answer to your question. Unless you’re willing to seriously compromise yourself, you much part ways with any one who loves the movie Titanic. Unless it’s your 13 year old niece.

 

If you’re not willing to end the relationship, at least confront your boyfriend and tell him there are some things you refuse to tolerate. Suggest you watch some movies together so you can get a read on whether or not this is an insurmountable problem.

 

Good luck to you. I’m hoping this is an isolated incident and that you two will find great happiness together.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

I’m sorry if this sounds judgmental…actually no. I’m NOT sorry if this sounds judgmental, I don’t care anymore! I continue to be outraged by people who work in restaurants or grocery stores who have those earring things that stretch the earlobe to a terrifying degree. Do you know what I’m talking about? We called them “Gauges” in college.

 

They’re horrifying in a normal context, but when I see them anywhere near food I feel like barfing. Violently barfing. Common offenders: Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s, Potbelly.

 

I want to start a movement banning this kind of ear accessory from places that serve or sell food.

 

What do you think?

 

Signed,
Angry and Grossed Out

 

Dear Angry and Grossed Out,
I couldn’t agree more, and I don’t think it’s judgmental. It’s not like you’re demanding gauges be outlawed, let’s just find another profession for people who sport them. If one were born with gaping holes in one’s ears it would be different, but this is a choice one makes. A fashion choice involving self-mutilation.

 

I used to go to this great bakery on Belmont. Then they hired a new cashier who had had gauges but took them out, leaving behind just the thin dangling loops of ear lobe skin. Sorry, but there’s no way I’m enjoying a chocolate croissant in the vicinity of that guy.

 

In short, I fully support your movement. I also would like to start a movement to ban heterosexual men from wearing button down shirts with embroidery down the front. Those are awful.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me