Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

How can I politely tell my co-worker that if she doesn’t turn off the Christmas music that plays constantly in her cubicle I’m going to have to take a hammer to her radio?

 

I’ve tried to use restraint, but have to admit I recently brought a hammer to work. I’m worried.

 

Signed,
Don’t Want to Lose My Job Over “Here Comes Santa Claus”

 

Dear DWTLMJOHCSC,

 

You can’t be polite about the Christmas music if you’ve already brought a hammer to work. This is a code red situation. You have to tell your co-worker that this is a dire mental health issue that only she can help you avoid! Throw some water on your face and armpits if you don’t think you can get yourself to sweat and look hysterical.

 

People really don’t act hysterical enough in their professional lives, in my opinion. It is the punctuation emotion. When you have had just enough of people ignoring you, take your voice up to shrill, let your eyes roll in their sockets, and get hysterical. I find that people come to me less often when important decisions need to be made if I remain at a low level of hysterical at all times. You can always crank it up if you need to.

 

Also, to be perfectly honest, I can’t think of a better reason to freak out then having to hear “Santa Baby” six times a day. That song changes me from a calm agnostic into a frothing at the mouth-believer in the devil. I’ve been known to fall to my knees, writhing and clawing at my ears when I hear that song. It’s just too much to handle, especially in a Gap. The Gap and that song at the same time? Hell does exist here on earth my friends.

 

Please, I implore you to seek help before you cross a line. Talk to your H.R. representative if necessary. Sue someone. Just don’t smash anything up.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

10 Reasons Why I Love the Sign in This Picture:

 

1. The font indicates that the owner/operator is a psycho killer/kidnapper which is helpful if you’re looking for a reliable psycho to develop your fotos.

 

2. I originally though this was a sign for “31” minute foto, which I laughed about for 10 minutes.
When my roommate pointed out it was just a bubble “30” I felt sad, then angry at being misled.

 

3. Are people still developing film? Or is this a secret message for killers/kidnappers that this establishment is a safe hide out?

 

4. If you stare at the second “O” in Foto you will become hypnotized and contact the CIA offering your services as a high level assassin. This is how Sirhan Sirhan got in trouble.

 

5. Staring at the second “O” in Foto may induce seizures. This will give the staff a few more minutes do develop your film, since no one on earth has ever actually gotten their film developed in 30 minutes. Even Superman had to slow the rotation of the earth to get his vacation pictures in an hour.

 

6. It’s good to know that lacking an ability to spell will not keep a person from owning their own business. Once again, my third grade teacher didn’t know what she was talking about.

 

7. Sticking to red and black color palate further emphasizes the scary scary font. It is reminiscent of blood and the blackness of the afterlife.

 

8. 30 Min Foto is a great place for bounty hunters to send faxes while they pursue criminals.

 

9. 30 Min Foto is a great place for criminals to get new passports while they’re being pursued by bounty hunters.

 

10. My faith in humanity is strengthened knowing that someone would create, choose, purchase and mount such an awful sign. If they are not killers, they’ve got a great sense of humor.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

Why is it that when I shave a goatee into my facial hair, it’s only as a joke, but others do it for real? I’ve read that some people do it to be taken more, rather than less, seriously by others. How could this be true?

 

Signed,
Tiny Beard

 

Dear Tiny Beard,

 

You have stumbled on one of the most disturbing questions of our day. I have brought this issue up several times during my work with Human Rights Watch, but can’t seem to get it on the agenda. So we are left to solve this mystery here, together, two new friends fearlessly facing bad facial hair.

 

After some casual data gathering, I have found a few surprising facts. The goatee means different things to different people. Some people use it to signify a sensitivity- poet, jazz, musician, dog walker. I haven’t been able to ascertain if this is a signal to each other or a signal they hope to convey to the outside world. Other people seem to think that a goatee, or “goat” to the initiated, masks a double chin. This sub-sect enjoys the jaw line definition that the offending style provides. An observer of the phenomenon will want to also note what kind of hat the subject might be wearing. This will also indicate his intentions- baseball hats, pork pie hats, and Kangol’s all say something a little different.

 

We can never fully explain why people do the things that they do. But moving forward, I would urge you to be sensitive about other people’s facial hair. What may be a joke to you could be deadly serious to a coffee shop manager who plays the electric flute in his free time.

 

Best,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

I like to travel but am wary about foreign food. The last time I went to Hawaii, for instance, I brought a suitcase full of Ramen noodles and Luna bars. I know it’s technically America, but i wasn’t willing to take a chance.

 

So, my wife wants me to take a trip with her to Prague. I looked up their local fare on the internet, and suffice it to say I’m freaked out. Should I cancel the trip? Or maybe just ship food to the hotel before I get there? What would you do if you were me?

 

Signed,
The Hungry Traveler

 

Dear Hungry Traveler,

 

Foreign food can be weird and threatening, but it can also be thrilling! A suitcase full of Luna bars caused you to pass on the poi, and miss the Lau Lau. Actually poi is pretty gross, but it’s not terrifying. It’s not like German food, where everything they serve is under suspicion of being wrapped in intestine. The last thing I need is more intestine-based food

 

I’ve been to Prague and it is a tricky place to eat. The cuisine is meat-centric and includes both goose and rabbit. Also, I think they use a different alphabet- or they added some weird letters to the Latin alphabet. Is it Cyrillic? I don’t know, I couldn’t begin to understand the Wikipedia entry about it. Anyway, it’s hard to guess at what your ordering. You might think you’re getting pork or game hen, but then your plate arrives and it’s a steaming medley of meat in red sauce. They do have a nice version of fried cheese, but you have to know what you’re looking for.

 

I don’t mean to sound unadventurous or ignorant, but where I come from the rabbits don’t look delicious or parasite free. Honestly, I don’t even eat duck. Don’t cancel the trip or ship yourself food. Instead, bring a discrete dictionary that you can tuck away and sneak out to decipher menus. Determine one meal as a wild card meal, just in case it turns out that you love game meats.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

Sometimes I get the feeling that my boss thinks I’m an idiot. I get my 3% raise every year, but he says suspicious things like “You are an idiot” and “Why do you even work here” then he kind of laughs. Maybe its more like a cough. Anyway, what do you think? Should I be concerned?

 

Best,
I Don’t Screw Up THAT Often

 

Dear I Don’t Screw,

 

Um, gosh. Well. See it seems like your boss is giving you a pretty clear message. I mean I don’t know if you are an idiot or he is a jerk, but I definitely think you should be concerned. It’s really not good at all that he wonders out loud why you even work there. I know it seems like the annual raise is encouragement, but I think that might be the ole cost of living raise you’re getting.

 

Either way, I don’t see why you shouldn’t just ride this job out to the last possible minute. Annual raises are usually given by big companies, and big companies HATE firing people. It smells like you’ve got the upper hand. For now.

 

Here are some things to think about: When you really think about it honestly, does it seem like people avoid you in the break rooms and hallways? Does the person who sits next to you wear headphones, and not take them off when you ask questions? Do people roll their eyes when you express your opinions at meetings? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you should just get started on your resume, just in case.

 

I once even used a firing to my advantage on the next job interview. I explained how I wasn’t going to give up just because I was clearly incompetent, lazy, and destructive. I told my potential new boss that I stood by my job, even while I was stealing office supplies in retaliation for having my pay docked just because I slept though several meetings. We both laughed when I talked about how I insisted that the bathroom were unisex, regardless of what the “sign” on the “door” indicated. I didn’t get the job, but I think I got the interviewer’s respect and admiration.

 

Best,
Poor Lucky Me

This is my new opponent. The Butterfinger Buzz. I want to eat it so bad but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

 

I felt the same way about 5 Hour Energy Shots and when I finally tried one I was immediately hooked. I was strung out on those things for five months. It was insane. I would tweak out around 3 pm and start calling my alderman and bitching about the U-Haul $5 Clean Air fee. Why can’t they just make the rental $5 more and not tack on a fake fee that could cause their more unstable customers to become irate?

 

But I think the Butterfinger Buzz and I will be different. I think I’m ready for a healthy relationship between me and a caffeinated candy bar.

10 Reasons Why I’d like to Invent A Perpetual Motion Machine (In Order of Importance):

 

1. It would validate all the times I was late for work and told my boss it was because I was working on my perpetual motion machine.

 

2. I could laugh in the face of the second law of thermodynamics’ again.

 

3. People would stop making fun of me about the time machine thing.

 

4. I could get a special business card made with a witty pun about perpetual motion on the back that only other smart people understood (and good looking people).

 

5. People would want to come over to my house all the time to check out the perpetual motion machine and I’d be like, “Oh gosh sorry, I’m busy tonight” then later I’d be sitting at home bored wishing I would just clean up once in a while so I could have people over instead of having to always say I was busy. Then I’d do a load of laundry and vow to make plans with people who wanted to see the machine next time because it’s good to stay social especially in the winter.

 

6. I would have solved the energy crisis.

 

7. It would be a good way to prove to my parents that high school science never helped any one in the real world. I mean look! That D in Physics did not stop me from inventing the perpetual motion machine.

 

8. That drinking bird toy that always shows up in my dreams would be a premonition, not a neurosis.

 

9. I wouldn’t have to keep talking smack about Al Gore because I’ve had an inferiority complex since he won the Nobel Prize and I haven’t won anything except my family’s Thanksgiving Bowling tournament three years ago.

 

10. I could throw away the fake perpetual motion machine that now sits in the middle of my apartment.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

My sister is a married with two daughters in high school.  Her husband is a non-practicing Jew and she is an atheist (former Catholic). They do not celebrate Christmas and in a recent email she mentioned to me that “the girls were going shopping for Solstice.”

 

I’m not a big fan of organized religion or any religion for that matter.  I am, however, a big fan of Christmas, and by that I mean Santa and gingerbread houses not Mary and mangers.

 

Here are my questions:  Would I be out of line to send the family a Christmas card and a couple of small gifts for the girls?  Is it rude to simply ignore whatever hogwash they believe in?  And finally, what the hell do you get someone for Solstice anyway?

 

Signed,
Curious Elf

 

Dear Curious Elf,

 

I’m glad you brought this important matter to everyone’s attention.

 

Can we all agree that holiday sentiments are meant to convey love and good wishes, no matter what holiday the other person celebrates? I know that not everyone uses the end of December for religious observations, but doesn’t everyone like a nice card or a gift in the dark days of winter?

 

On that note, I don’t think it’s rude to send cards and gifts to your neices. If your sister wants to rip off the Christmas wrapping and replace it with a Yule goat then so be it. Unless you are very religious, this can all come down to semantics. If you decorate an Evergreen tree and exchange gifts I really don’t care what you want to call your special day. In fact, I call the tree in my apartment my no-religious-affiliation-winter-holiday-tree. And I do accept gifts and cash. Not just during the holiday’s either- let me be perfectly clear about that.

 

I did some research on what to give people for winter Solstice and here are a few great ideas:

 

– Tumbled agate or quartz crystals

 

– Animal or crop talisman

 

– A bag of seeds

 

– Anything Yule-related (logs, trees, fires, etc)

 

Any of these gifts are sure to ring in the Winter Solstice with great joy. Unfortunately the children who receive these gifts will be horribly disappointed, so I think you should stick with your plan.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

This season TNT introduces the show Men of a Certain age. Continuing it’s tradition of producing shows that appeal to no one, TNT was eager to break into the middle-aged-men-in-tight-tee-shirts demographic.

 

The show piqued my interest because one of my favorite actors – the guy from Quantum Leap – is a lead. At first I thought it was Agent Mulder, but after I saw the commercial for the 800th time I realized with great excitement that it was Scott Bakula. I’ve been writing the cable networks for two years demanding them to bring back reruns of Quantum Leap. That show had everything: time travel, physics, adventure, a cigar smoking hologram advisor, and love. Plus, a hilarious episode hook- Dr. Sam Beckett’s signature “Oh Boy” when it was time for him to leap. Brilliant!

 

Moving on. The official synopsis: “Men of a Certain Age explores the unique bonds of male friendship among three men experiencing the changes and challenges of mid-life. They have been best friends since college but now, in their 40s, are navigating through the second act of their lives.”

 

I want to watch anything that features both Scott Bakula and Ray Romano. But who else exactly do the execs over at TNT think is going to watch this? Actual middle aged men don’t have a lot of interest in each other. They’re like goats; they acknowledge each other’s presence but don’t want to spend a lot of time in a group unless it’s to compete for food or sex. Middle aged women might normally want to watch the show and fantasize that their husbands are also sensitive and deep if it weren’t for vampires. Who needs actual hairy men when you can watch well dressed, lithe boys honing their androgynous love for human women? Vampires should be as threatening to regular men as The Girls Next Door is to regular women. The unrealistic expectation of sex partners is destroying the fabric of society!

 

I’m going to try and watch a couple episodes of Men of a Certain Age. If I could get through an episode of the new 90210 without putting a garbage bag over my head I can watch anything. I mean I did put a garbage bag over my head a couple of times but I had my neighbor here as a precaution and kept fighting it off me. She’s a really good friend.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

I work in the Customer Service Department and a few times a week someone will email in something like “Your phone number ISN’T WORKING!!! WHAT IS GOING on? I am going to call the ATTORNEY’S GENERALS…”

 

Of course our phone number is working and they will often realize their error right after emailing us. My question is in two-parts: Why the CAPS, do they think they are shouting at us? And why do these people never email back to say, “I am sorry, I dialed your number incorrectly.”

 

Signed,

Show a little love after taking your foot out of your mouth.

 

Dear Show A Little Love,
I’m sure you are very competent and even tempered. I’m sure that the people who are emailing you are insane. The problem is, MOST customer service centers are cesspools of frustration and incompetency. So when otherwise normal people try and call an 800 number to get something relatively simple taken care of, they are expecting to get jerked around. Customers can’t write back to apologize for caps locking you, because we are now hardwired to think that just because we didn’t get jerked around one time doesn’t mean we can let our guard down. So, thanks a lot Comcast and AT&T.

 

Yes, the CAPS stands for yelling. CAPS lock emailing is one of the greatest things to come out of the internet age. Now anyone can be confrontational! Before, if you were outwardly meek you had to be very clever to find ways to attack people. Now ANYONE CAN DO IT. Also, you can reply immediately to something that you might have mulled over for a moment or two. I have had the pleasure of losing two jobs this way.

 

Well, in fairness, one was a demotion that I asked for because I hated my project manager. Later I realized I was just crabby because the beef stand guy put onions on my Italian beef sandwich. Who does that? It’s disgusting. So when I got back to the office and saw another email from the douche bag I IMMEDIATELY REPLIED. I regretted being so reactionary the next day, so I went to the beef stand and bitched that guy out. Long story short, I got community service and 12 months probation. But, I also got taken off the project and didn’t have to see the PM again so I consider myself the winner.

 

I didn’t realize that there was an Attorney’s General. Is he the go-to guy when phone numbers aren’t working?

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me