Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then is the converse also true? Is the road to heaven paved with bad intentions?

 

It’s a difficult issue because on one hand, the people at church say we should be good, and charitable. On the other hand, I’ve heard that expression for many years and I don’t completely understand it. I tend to trust things that I don’t understand, it’s just something I learned to do in school

 

Please clear this issue up for me.

 

Signed,
A Follower

 

Dear A.F.,

 

The time to trust things you don’t understand is over! Now that America’s dark ages have ended, you can feel free to visit a web page or read a book without fear that the Department of Homeland Security won’t shove used athletic socks down your throat and attach electrodes to your nipples.

 

The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions doesn’t mean that having good intentions will send you to hell. It’s not like thinking sexy thoughts about your neighbor’s wife. It means that a good intention doesn’t always yield the results you were hoping for. Like the time I tried to help a drunk kid lying on the sidewalk behind my house and he called me a douchebag and told me to go f*ck myself.

 

My intentions were good, but I wasn’t seen as a good Samaritan. I did not go up to my apartment and grab a carton of eggs to throw at the guy’s face though, so I think if there is a heaven that’ll probably get me in. Few normal humans could resist violent retaliation after assisting a stranger projectile vomiting Jack Daniels on the sidewalk then being called a douchebag. Luckily my dog and roommate were with me, and they are both pacifists.

 

Living is a society is very complicated. Personally I can’t rely on a church to tell me what to do, but if that’s where you find comfort I guess you should stick with it. Just be cool, OK. Don’t be one of THOSE church people.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

The epic battle between Poor Lucky Me and Oprah is finally over. And the score has come in:

 

PLM: 1 Oprah: 0

 

It was a struggle. The day of and after her “anniversary show” my neighborhood looked like a police horse shit minefield. The “snack and soda” aisle at the local Dominicks was packed with fatties in skirt suits. The Black Eyed Peas and their crappy crappy music haunted the entire 60611 zip code. But I thwarted you Oprah. I took my life underground. I joined the hobos and drug dealers under lower Michigan, lower Illinois, lower Wacker. I drove my car around down there like I was batman (except with a silver Nissan Rogue instead of a cool futuristic motorcycle type vehicle).

 

I know that when you gave the signal for the crew to start packing up you must have felt a little wistful that our score was settled. Losing an enemy is as lonely as losing a friend sometimes. Especially a formidably foe such as myself, who has taken up so much of your mental energy.

 

But who knows whats next for us Oprah. Maybe this is the beginning of a powerful alliance. Maybe even a friendship.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

Today is 09-09-09. I know you are a gifted psychic, so I’m wondering if there’s anything I should look forward to or avoid on this spooky day?

Superstitiously Yours,
Barry in Florida

Dear Barry,

Thank you, I really appreciate when people recognize my mental powers (both good and evil). On 09/09/09 you should be sure to avoid the following:

Badgers
Cans of Diet Pepsi
Republicans
Sharks (real and gummi)
Velvet

I would explain why all these seemingly unrelated items should be avoided, but you have to be very enlightened to understand. Just keep sharp.

You should look forward to winning $20 from a scratch off ticket at the gas station near your house. Way to go!

Enjoy this magically threatening day.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Ok Oprah, you’ve really kicked it up a notch haven’t you? In your on-going effort to break my spirit, you are taping your anniversary show on the street that I must cross to get from my home to my office.

 

I have to admit it was a clever move. It must have been difficult to get the city on board, especially when you told them you were only doing it to annoy one person, but you did it. You are very powerful and will stop at nothing to get me.

 

Today is day on of two of your supposed “anniversary show”. You and I know it’s really just revenge for the time I made fun of you about The Secret. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the power of positive thinking, I just think it’s a little insulting to propose that poor people can solve their problems by wishing for things. At lunch I will do some reconnaissance and find out exactly what you have in store for me.

 

I won’t roll over so easily Oprah! I’ll fight this!

I think a good fight to watch would be pigeons vs. sea gulls. I’m not into violence as entertainment, but both scrappy garbage birds are equally threatening to me and I often wonder which is tougher.

 

Sea gulls must have a lot of stamina- they don’t hesitate to take flight and spent a lot of time in the air (in my unscientific observance). They use poo as a weapon and are so tough that they have bit roles on The Deadliest Catch. Pigeons use their attitude to ward off enemies. Usually a pigeon will glare at you and saunter out of danger rather then engage their wings. Both species have threatening beaks and claws. Both enjoy meals of garbage and/or carrion that the very site of will make the average commuter dry heave.

 

I like how white pigeons are called doves and revered as symbols of peace and love. It’s animal kingdom racism, so I think they probably have a lot of character. We must look at the struggle between doves and pigeons as a reminder that racism still exist in our own species, as well as in the bird kingdom.

 

It’s hard to say but I think if pressed I’d put my money on a pigeon. The ones that live near me all have gnarled war-torn feet and greasy feathers. This one particularly scary pigeon once flew at my face when I was carrying a bucket of chicken. I dropped the chicken on the sidewalk and he descended upon it like a homeless guy at an all you can eat Chinese buffet. I swear I heard him laughing at me as I walked away.

 

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

We are all aware of the phrase “Million Dollar Idea” This phrase has been used for many, many years. However, a million dollars ain’t what it used to be. Isn’t it time we change the phrase to ‘Multi Million Dollar Idea” and if it is time to change it, how do we do that?

 

Thanks…

 

Love ,
The “eco-friendly lightbulb took a few seconds to warm up, but ended up going off in my head” guy.

 

Dear The Eco-Friendly Lightbulb Guy,

 

You are correct. The new millennium has brought several infuriating “million dollar ideas” that have nearly crushed my own entrepreneurial spirit. Here are three examples:

 

1) The million dollar bra from Victoria Secret. What a god damn stupid thing. I read about that bra and had to get under my covers for three days.

 

2) The million dollar hamburger. This stupid piece of crap actually only costs $1000. Why is it called the million dollar burger when it doesn’t cost a million dollars? Why don’t people just light their money on fire instead of ordering this?

 

3) Seriously, I’m still pissed about the bra, that’s going to be example #1 and #3.

 

Other things that annoy me: BP’s solar powered gas station, lattes, and loud motorcycles. So yes, we should definitely change the phrase the “Multi-Million Dollar Idea” if for no other reason than to distance a good idea from all these stupid and annoying ideas. And it’s true that a million dollars just doesn’t get you as far as it used to. I think we should change the phrase to “Bad ass money making idea” or “Enough money to invest and live off the dividends ideas”. The way we can make this change is to mock people who use the old phrase. Mocking is the quickest way to change people.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

Hi! How are you? I am fine, but a little concerned. I think I have an on-line shopping problem. I am a good worker, but at break times I sneak my lap top in the bathroom and get lost in page after page of shoes and wall decals and camcorders and art supplies and clothes made in country with fair labor practices.

 

Do you think I can go to AA for help, or is there a separate group for on line shopping?

 

Signed,
Confessions of a Shopaholic Was A Good Film

 

Dear Shopaholic,

 

I wouldn’t say that it was a good film, but it didn’t make me want to vomit. My expectations were so low that I was pleasantly surprised that I didn’t want to kick a hole through my television.

 

I’m really only interested in seeing movies that I think will suck. When I see movies that should be good, I usually end disappointed and and find myself standing in my seat and throwing popcorn or milk duds at the screen. I just get so annoyed and insulted when movies are formulaic or unrealistic or annoying. Inevitably security gets called and some fifteen year old employee will try and drag me out, which will launch me into a tirade about consumer’s rights and the freedom of speech. Then I’ll try and wrestle out of his puny grip and get embarrassed when I get smacked in the head with the flashlight.

 

I wanted to start bringing my own flash light to the movies but my roommate won’t allow it “for my own safety”. So I don’t go to the theater much anymore. And I’m only allowed to watch rentals on our old tube television, because I threw a beer bottle at my roommate’s flatscreen during Mama Mia and he’s still cheesed off about it.

 

The point is I think you should start by seeking help from a mental health professional. He or she can advise you how to find a support group that meets your needs based specifically on what motivates your addiction.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

I’m worried.  I’m very very worried right now.  I just don’t know how much longer I can keep my wits about me because if I have to read one more god damn article about John and Kate Plus 8 I think I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.

 

First of all, both the parents’ faces annoy the crap out of me.  I mean seriously- John, if your head gets anymore bloated you could qualify to be a balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  And Kate- yes yes, we understand that you have that hairdo because you need attention- but isn’t everything you do a cry for attention?  So why not just have a normal looking hair cut and focus on the other freaky shit you’ve got in the pot?

 

Second of all, don’t John and Kate know they are contributing to the demise of society?  It’s not just the douchey reality tv, or the fodder for tabloids, its also the terrifying amount of garbage and plastic toys that litter of children must consume.  When I need to make myself throw up I visualize the mounds and mounds or trash that must come out of that home (DON’T get me started on the Duggers, who are obviously the earthly embodiment of Satan and his army).

 

Finally, and most importantly, who cares?  WHO CARES about these people?  Can’t they just get off my television and go back to being like everyone else- annoying, sleazy, dysfunctional parents who are scarring their children for life in their efforts to “provide” for them?

 

Actually, I’m not being completely honest. The truth is I wouldn’t mind having a nervous breakdown if I could go to a nice private institution for 10 days while I get back on track.  I heard you can wear pajamas all day and smoke cigarettes, which I find very appealing.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

I know that the accurate phrase is “moot point” and I know how to use it.  I use it once in a while to argue with my wife in fact.  But isn’t it okay to use the equally accurate phrase “mute point” without people trying to correct me?

 

I can use it if there’s an important argument that you don’t want to bother bringing up because the other person is probably too dumb to understand what you’re talking about anyway.  So you stay mute.

 

Is it worth trying to popularize this phrase or will I blow a gasket always trying to explain myself?

 

With Love,

Possible Snob

 

Dear Possible Snob,

 

It’s not worth pushing “mute point”.  First of all, and no offense, but it’s sort of dumb.  Why fight against an already established phrase when the one you’re introducing is not entirely clear or useful? 

 

Even if “mute point” did catch on, you’d be newly frustrated because no one would give you credit for it.  Take it from me; I coined the phrase “stuck between a rock and a hard place” and no one ever gives me credit for it.  In fact, people try to say that I didn’t invent the saying at all!  It’s maddening.  If I didn’t make it up, who did?  Huh?  Yea I thought so, you don’t even have a comeback. 

 

I spent the summer before 12th grade writing new catch phrases for celebrities, such as “that’s hot” and “Flava Flav” but I don’t take credit for those because I sold the rights.  It was worth it until I heard Paris Hilton say “that’s hot” 500, 784 times on the Howard Stern show in 2005.  I originally sold it to Bobby Flay, but I guess his people sold it to Paris, which is such a shame.  Because she sucks.

 

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

I’m an honest person who has lived a crime-free life.  However, I feel sort of jealous of people who get parole officers.  I think it would be comforting and encouraging to have the extra support.  I’d like to be looked after and checked up on…even randomly drug tested.  It would help keep me on the straight and narrow.

 

What do you think?  Should I approach my local law enforcement headquarters?  I’d be willing to pay a fee for the service.

 

Signed,

A Good Girl…For Now

 

Dear A Good Girl..For Now,

 

Your idea is very interesting.  Instead of having a controlling boyfriend you could just hire some one to boss you around and do weird things with your pee?  I like it!  And in these tough economic times I think your local law enforcement agency would welcome the extra income.

 

I guess there might be a problem with limited man power or resources if parole officers are used in the private sector.  There are a lot of people out of work right now, maybe you could tap into the great segment of unemployed Americans.  You’d have to be careful not to accidentally hire a psycho killer but with a strict screening process, you could find yourself a great amateur parole officer.  You could even design the uniform as scary or casual as you’d like.  You could hire a sexy parole officer who has to wear a leopard print Speedo at all times and wink at you before telling you what to do.  Wait, is that sexy or creepy?  Or both?

 

Either way, I think you are really on to something!

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me