Dear Poor Lucky Me,
After being a witness to another Saint Patrick’s Day in Chicago, I’ve decided that I’m a major scrooge about Halloween, Valentines Day, and St Patrick’s Day. And New Years Eve. Although I’m still a fan of celebrating the Vernal Equinox. But the other days are so annoying. I feel bad for saying that, but come on! I think if you’re over the age of 12 and you still get really hot to wear green plastic necklaces and “Free Mustache Rides for Irish Chicks” tee-shirts you might want to have your head examined. I understand people want an excuse to be drunk all day, but can’t you do that anytime?
Am I lame, or have I just seen too much?
Yours,
Green Beer? I don’t get it
Dear Green Beer,
If you’re lame, then I’m lame too because I sure as hell don’t get it. I spent Saturday hiding in my bathtub with a kitchen knife. I taught my dog to use the toilet that day because I couldn’t bear the thought of taking her to the ladies’ room outside. It turned out to be really convenient though, and she and I are enjoying her toilet use. She leaves copies of Dog Fancy Magazine all over the bathroom but I’m not complaining.
You have clearly seen too much drunken douchebaggery in the name of pseudo holidays. You’re right that people can get drunk anytime, but they can’t make others listen to their inane stories of debauchery anytime. St Paddy’s Day invites the telling of tales that on any other day would make your friends and coworkers devise a plan to get you into rehab.
So rest assured you are normal and don’t have to apologize for it any longer. All those suckos can suck it.
Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me
