Tuesday, March 17th

March 17, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

If some one steals your joke and makes it funnier, you have to concede.  It’s like that joke has found a better home and you have to let it go and be free.  But what about when some one steals your joke and makes it suck?  Do you say something?  Is there a finite number of jokes I might come up with, and therefore must guard each one?

What do you do?

Signed,

Clownish in Appearance and Behavior

Dear Clownish,

Bad news I’m afraid.  Once you release a joke into the atmosphere, it no longer belongs to you.  Trying to keep tabs on it, or claim it, just makes you seem crazy.  When people steal and mangle your jokes you should commit to making funnier, louder, dirtier jokes than most normal people are willing to steal.  That’s what I do.

Click on the song below.  I can’t imagine a better articulated summery of what really matters in life:

Rush- Entre Nous

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

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Monday, March 16th

March 16, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

After being a witness to another Saint Patrick’s Day in Chicago, I’ve decided that I’m a major scrooge about Halloween, Valentines Day, and St Patrick’s Day.  And New Years Eve.  Although I’m still a fan of celebrating the Vernal Equinox.  But the other days are so annoying.  I feel bad for saying that, but come on!  I think if you’re over the age of 12 and you still get really hot to wear green plastic necklaces and “Free Mustache Rides for Irish Chicks” tee-shirts you might want to have your head examined.  I understand people want an excuse to be drunk all day, but can’t you do that anytime?

Am I lame, or have I just seen too much?

Yours,

Green Beer? I don’t get it

Dear Green Beer,

If you’re lame, then I’m lame too because I sure as hell don’t get it.  I spent Saturday hiding in my bathtub with a kitchen knife.  I taught my dog to use the toilet that day because I couldn’t bear the thought of taking her to the ladies’ room outside.  It turned out to be really convenient though, and she and I are enjoying her toilet use. She leaves copies of Dog Fancy Magazine all over the bathroom but I’m not complaining.

You have clearly seen too much drunken douchebaggery in the name of pseudo holidays.  You’re right that people can get drunk anytime, but they can’t make others listen to their inane stories of debauchery anytime.  St Paddy’s Day invites the telling of tales that on any other day would make your friends and coworkers devise a plan to get you into rehab.

So rest assured you are normal and don’t have to apologize for it any longer.  All those suckos can suck it.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

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Friday, March 13th

March 13, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

My son is 14 and has a Facebook page.  I want to be “friends” with him on Facebook so I can monitor what he does. He said I was welcomed to do so, in fact he agreed so readily I think something is up.

Is he a good boy and I’m a jerk for doubting him, or does he have a trick up his sleeve I can’t even begin to guess at?  He hasn’t gotten in much trouble yet, but I watch a lot of talk shows.

Thanks,

Want to be a cool Mom, but not too cool

Dear W.T.B.A.C.M.B.N.T.C.,

I think being a cool mom is overrated.  I mean I’m neither cool nor a mom, but I think that it’s sort of wasted effort.  What?  You need to validation from a stupid kid that you’re cool?  You may never get it, unless you buy your children drugs and booze…and then the scale has been tipped to “too cool”.  I don’t think there’s an in between.

One time when I was a teenager, we hung out at a kid’s house who had “cool” parents.  You know what happened?  One night the dad ended up smoking grass in front of us and having a major freak out.  We had to lay him on the ground and fan his face with the New York Times and say “Dr. Johnson*, it’ll be ok, Dr Johnson, can you hear us?”  It was NOT cool. I guess the grass now is a lot more powerful than it was in the ’60′s. Anyways, that’s what he told us while we swabbed his face with a cool washcloth.

The point is children don’t want cool parents, they want normal, consistent parents who occasionally turn a blind eye to shenanigans.  You don’t have to be friends with your son on Facebook, because he knows ways to thwart your spying that you aren’t even capable of imagining.  Just ask him to be thoughtful and smart, and to occasionally show you what he’s up to.  Remind him that what he puts on-line could be permanent, and could contribute positively or negatively to future job and school applications.

Because kids rarely think their parents know what they’re talking about, you might also want to research “Search Cleansers”.  These are people you can hire to clean up a Google search on your name and clear out crap you posted about yourself that you thought would be funny, but now realize just make you look like a drunk.  It’s a good service to keep in the Rolodex, just in case.

I’m sure your son is a good boy, for now.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

*Name has been changed to protect the semi-innocent

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Thursday, March 12th

March 12, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I have to bring something horrible to your attention.  I just saw a bumper-sticker (I know, bumper-stickers in of themselves are horrible) that said:

I’m Only Driving This Way To Piss You Off

The guy was driving a Mercedes SUV.  I followed him home and am now sitting in my Chevy Nova, parked outside of his house.

Would any jury convict me if I took a baseball bat to this guy’s car?

Yours Truly,

Anger Management Solution

Dear Anger Management Solution,

Unfortunately I am barred from giving you actual legal advice.  There was this incident a few years ago where I tried to represent a friend in a public intoxication case and I showed up a little drunk and blah blah blah the Judge made me sign something saying I wouldn’t impersonate some one with legal knowledge ever again.

However, I have had a lot of experience with the legal system throughout the years, and feel like I can safely advice you on what action to take as you’re sitting there in your car.

Do not take a baseball bat to the guy’s car.  I know this sounds trite; but that guy’s life already really really sucks.  I think that an analysis of the number and type of bumper-stickers you have can indicate how heavily medicated you should be.  This guy should be on some serious shit.  He is an angry person who gets fulfillment by annoying others.  That can’t be healthy.

It’s very important to realize that insane/sad/bitter people will always try and find ways to piss off nice/kind/well adjusted people.  It’s an unfortunate side affect of being happy.  But you have to have compassion for those people, and for yourself.  You have to realize there’s nothing you can do but keep being happy and keep being nice.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

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Wednesday, March 11th

March 11, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

My birthday isn’t until June, but I’m interested in getting a party and some gifts now.  I’d also like an ice cream cake and for all my friends to sing a nice song about me.  Do you have any ideas?  I don’t want to jeopardize a great birthday celebration when the time comes either.

Best,

Adulthood Is Boring

Dear Adulthood Is Boring,

I respect your needs, but I think this may be tricky to pull off.  Let’s see…you could fake a pregnancy or engagement or pretend you’re moving.  But that could really backfire.  I saw this Dateline where a girl kept pretending to be pregnant for attention then was flabbergasted when her friends and family and the couple who was paying her to be able to adopt the fake baby got mad.  A fake engagement is safer, because you can just “break up” but do you have to return the gifts then?  A fake move doesn’t guarantee gifts or a song.

Here’s the best idea, but it may take a little time: You need to make a second set of friends.  Be sure to keep them totally separate from your current group.  Tell them your birthday is six months from your real birthday, then plan your own party!  Elect one of the new friends to spread the word that their “presence” is not to be considered your present.   Hopefully you’ll find some one who can pull that off with out pissing everyone off.  If one of the new friends has musical ability, ask them to write a song for the party.  Tell them that you are so impressed by their talent, you want to give them an opportunity to showcase it.  Then…tadaaaa!  You get two birthdays!

Now, some people might say that this is a very manipulative, dishonest plan.  But those are the people that should be in your first group of friends, and don’t know about the second birthday.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

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Tuesday, March 10th

March 10, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I used to be quite fat.  After watching two seasons of The Biggest Loser, I got inspired and lost 60 pounds.  I’m very happy and healthy now, except for one thing.  People keep making really rude comments.  For instance: “Wow, you are really thin now.  You used to be so fat” or “Gosh you won’t be scaring children and busting chairs now, huh” or “I bet it’s a relief now knowing you could get laid.  When you were a fatty you were hopeless!”

Maybe people can’t hear themselves?  It’s scary to think that people don’t know these are hurtful things to say.  Sometimes I want to say “You’re still ugly!”

Signed,

Svelte

Dear Svelte,

I’m sorry that your accomplishment is marred by a few encounters with thoughtless idiots.  Although, I bet if you tallied up the nice things people say versus the stupid thing people say you’d notice you get more nice comments.  Hurtful comments just seem to stick in our brain better.

When people make backhanded compliments, I recommend implying that you lost weight because of a medical condition.  Say things like “Well the meds really kill my appetite” or “Blech all that hospital food!” or “All those infected intestines weighed a lot” or “The removal of a 50 pund cycst will take you down a few sizes!”.  But don’t be tempted to make up answers if they ask follow up questions.  Just smile politely and say nothing until they walk away.

There aren’t a lot of instances where you can actually teach people a lesson, so you should take advantage of this one.  You might be able to make this world a little better.  I learned my lesson after fawning over a woman I thought was pregnant.  I kept touching her belly and saying “I bet that’s going to be a big boy!” She was not pregnant.  Now I wouldn’t ask some one if they were pregnant unless I was in the delivery room, watching the head crown.

Above all, be proud of yourself.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

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I Need Your Advice!

March 9, 2009 By 2 Comments

Dear Readers, The person who I share a cubicle with (wait, is it: The person with whom I share a cubicle?) has a nasty habit of coughing into their hand.  It wouldn’t be too horrible if they didn’t then hand me stuff all the time- the phone, a pen, a message, my lunch, etc.  I’ve become so obsessed with this person’s germs I’m now considering consuming some non-toxic hand sanitizer I found at CVS.  I assume this will help keep my guts clean as well as my hands. Should I also confront the cougher? With Extreme Concern, Poor Lucky Me

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Monday, March 9th

March 9, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I recently became a born again Atheist.  My husband has been asking me to stop proselytizing, but I can’t help myself.  I feel so enlightened in my new found relationship with the Human Spirit, I just want to share it with the world!

Do you think I should force myself to stop ridiculing religious people to their faces?

Love,

The Truth Has Set Me Free

Dear The Truth,

I feel like either we’re kindred spirits or you are some undercover fiend trying to trap me.  I too have recently and happily lost my religion.  I too can’t seem to stop pointing at people’s faces while I give them loud lectures on how insidious religion is.  My Grandma was particularly annoyed by this behavior, but I totally schooled her.  Or at least talked louder than her until she got tired and had to take a nap.  BOOYA GRANDMA.  She’s very easy to dominate.

I suppose if we wanted to be mature contributors to society we would do onto others as we would have them do onto us, and not spew our religious beliefs.  Even if we’re right…because no one wants to hear it from either side.  So we’ll just sit quietly and smugly.  Unless we die and find out that we were wrong, then we can repent and go to heaven and hang out with all our old dogs!

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

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Friday, March 6th

March 8, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I have one roommate. It’s just him and I in our apartment. I buy a lot of groceries. Some one besides me keeps eating the food. I work during the day. My roommate sits on a beanbag chair, gets high, and plays old school Nintendo (Usually Duck Hunt or Mario Brothers) all day.

When I come home and want to enjoy a relaxing bowl of Mac n Cheese, the cupboards are always empty.

When I ask my roommate “Where’s my food?” He replies “Gosh, I don’t know.” or “What food?”

Does he think I’m an idiot, does he not give a shit, or is some one else living in my apartment and neither he nor I know?

Signed,
Angry and Hungry

Dear Angry and Hungry,

I really feel for you.  Your writing style indicates that you’ve spent a lot of time laying out the facts of your case.

Let’s not beat around the bush: obviously your roommate is eating your food, and it’s likely that he doesn’t give a shit what you think.  There is segment of the population who assume that if they’re never confronted they never have to stop acting like dicks.  It’s up to people like you and I to do some effective confronting.  Or passive aggressive non-confronting. Here’s what I would do:

Buy a mini-fridge and a padlock for your door.  When your roommate is out or asleep, bring your groceries into your room and install the padlock.  If he asks about the absence of food or presence of a heavy lock, say you have no idea what happened and that you’re worried some one is secretly living in your apartment.  Start referring to the third roommate as George, and blame things on him.  Kick the Nintendo consul around, hide the TV remote, and start sitting in the beanbag whenever possible.   This will officially be a declaration of war.  You will have to start carrying your own toilet paper.  Tell your roommate that you and George have plans often, and when you buy yourself anything new, say it was a gift from George.  When you go into your bedroom have long conversations with George- be sure to laugh a lot.

After about a month, you can slowly start putting food back in the cupboards.  If your roommate starts eating it again- he is a tougher nut to crack than I can help with.  You’ll have to have a loud verbal confrontation and probably start looking for another place.  Besides, he sounds like a tool, and as some one who can manage to buy themselves groceries- you are probably too old to have a roommate anyway.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

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Thursday, March 5th

March 5, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I’ve been having a hard time sleeping at night. When I do finally fall asleep, I have weird dreams. I must move around in my sleep a lot too, because when I wake up the sheets are all tangled around me.

I recently saw a video of a dog having a vivid dream. He moves all around too, then runs right into a wall! This poor dog has been exploited by the press, and humiliated by his owner.

How can I be sure I won’t be the next?

With Fear,
Am I Next?

Here is the referenced video:  Canine Nightmere


Dear Am I Next,

Well the good news is I heard that dog has filed a lawsuit against his owner, Yahoo!, and Youtube.com.  Hopefully they’ll settle and he can retire somewhere with huge rooms and an owner who doesn’t have crap against the wall and doesn’t videotape his night terrors.

See this exact scenario is why I never get out of bed in the middle of the night, even when I have that dream where I’m at Lollapalooza and I really have to go to the bathroom so badly and I decide to just scoot behind the stage while Weezer’s playing and relax…you know the one.  It’s not worth the risk of doing something hilarious that could be exploited.

I recommend that you get a mummy sleeping bag and zip yourself in there every night.  You can also buy a “bug sweeper” at your local spy store.  That way you can sleep a little easier knowing you’ve taken every precaution against some one secretly video taping you.  I got one of those when I had a brief stint as a baby sitter.  Psh yuppies think they can keep me from eating their medication and sleeping in their pajamas, fools!

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

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