Thursday, April 16th

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I’d really like to know more about the Pinata. What is it’s historical and cultural origins? What is your favorite Pinata? Would it be weird to fill a pinata with miniature liquor bottles and weed? Do you capitalize Pinata or not? Have you noticed that the ones you buy now-a-days have a breaking point built in? Don’t you think that’s a bit crap?

Love,

I Love Pinatas

Dear I Love Pinatas,
It’s not weird to fill anything with miniature liquor bottles, including the trunk of your car or your underpants.  In fact, I would call that an admirable hyper preparedness.  I have waited in many lines and at many red lights wishing I had my glove compartment full of  liquor bottles.  Unfortunately, I just have never been able to get my life together enough to be that organized.

Anyway, pinatas are a magical and historically significant revelry item.  Their exact origins are unknown, but the most common theory is that the Chinese invented the pinata and Marco Polo brought it to Europe and the Spanish missionaries brought it to Mexico.  Five years ago I would have believed that, but I no longer believe in the Euro-centric perspective of history.  Therefore I must outright reject such claims, even if they are scientifically based or logical or proven correct.  I would prefer to think that they were invented as an Aztec calendar.

One should not capitalize pinata, and I have noticed they have a breaking point built in.  That is totally bullshit- it takes all the fun out of really beating the thing into the ground.  Now you just take a few drunken wacks at the head and it splits open.

You know what I say though?  Alls well that ends in a shower of candy/booze/mana from the heavens.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Wednesday, April 15th

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I was at the post office today mailing my tax returns.  The line was so long, I mean it seemed like miles long. I was there for about 10 minutes when I started noticing something terrible.  Something so awful I almost had the leave: people complaining about the long line. I was so pissed!

What do people think they’re going to encounter at the post office on tax day?  I mean for the love of god do people just have to complain about everything? April 15th happens every year, why are these pricks so shocked?

Signed,

I Get Why People Go Postal

Dear Go Postal,

I think that people complain so much because they have no idea how annoying they sound.  During the winter in Chicago, we see a lot of people complaining that they are really cold- as if EVERYONE isn’t really cold in this god forsaken city in the god forsaken winter.

Maybe your brain naturally blocks you from hearing the stupid things you say as a survival tactic.  I probably would have killed myself long ago if I had a realistic idea of how I sound on conference calls, for example.

People are shocked because only assholes go to the post office the day taxes are due, so it makes sense that they act like assholes.  See?  It’s very logical.

If we start accommodating idiots all the time there will be no incentive for anyone to change.  I’m pretty sure that’s why there were only two people working at the post office on tax day.  I enjoyed it because I live for human drama, but I can see how normal people would think it was annoying.  Plus, I was there filing my taxes on the last day and complaining loudly that it was crowded, just to feel like I fit in.  I recently watched My Super Sweet 16, and I think I’ll also have a crazy blow out sweet 16 for my birthday this year.  Also to fit in.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

Tuesday, April 14th

To Poor Lucky Me,

How do you tell the most wonderful chick in the world how much she is good or swell to you? It seems like it should be so not problem. Did I mention to you I got weird fright of the first letter of the thing that is comprised of 26 letters?

My Dr. requests you reply with no first letters.

Signed,

25 Letters is Good By Me

To 25 Letters is Good By Me,

I see. Some people would find this question difficult to reply to, but I’m not worried. Your wish to express your fondness for your loved one is so sweet, even if it must be done without the use of the first letter of the set of codes we use to denote written English words. Why don’t you tell her she’s the love of your life, she’s your soul twin, she’s the fruit of your eye? Tell her when you’re with her you feel like you could conquer the whole world.

“Good” is not very descriptive. “Swell” is better, but does not convey strong emotion. I compute how your terror limits your expressions, but gosh get out one of those big word books to get yourself writing! Girls need much conveyed fondness, plus, men should be free with their emotions!

I hope you find my solution helpful.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

Monday, April 13th

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I’ve been feeling so lonely lately.  I can’t tell if it’s just because it’s still very much winter in Chicago, or if I’m just infinitely bored by the people I know.  I’ve been volunteering and exercising and catching up with old friends on Facebook, but nothing helps.  Is there a Big Brother type program for adults?  Like to help match you up with friends that won’t be boring or mean or not want to listen to you complain about your job?  Because I’m also afraid that I might just be bored because being an adult is boring and stupid unless you’re a photographer for National Geographic or that guy who travels around the world doing that funny dance in different countries.

Help!

Blech


Dear Blech,

Well winter in Chicago has to have a lot to do with your loneliness.  But I mean really, most people are really boring.  I think it’s because they talk about themselves or things they think you want to hear.  I read Wikipedia obsessively so I can change the subject when people try and talk to me about their job.  I like to give long lectures on biblical evidence of UFO’s and the significance in modern culture of the Vesica Picis.  Most people don’t really seem to enjoy it, but you can’t please everyone.

There is a Big Brother type thing for adults; it’s called therapy.  Sorry to say, but it sounds like you might benefit from it.  In the meantime, stick with your exercising and volunteer work.  It’ll be June any minute and I know you’ll feel at least a little better.

Are you talking about Where In the Hell Is Matt? (Click Here for the video)  I think that guy has inspired depression in a lot of people.  I know it was supposed to be joyful, and at first when you watch it you are filled with joy and hope.  But then, if you’re like me, you are filled with bitterness and resentment that you didn’t have the guts to strike out and seek your own adventure.  I tried to counter my raging jealous by sending him fan emails, but I think they came off a little psycho.  Why does my fan mail also come off as desperate-stalker-cutter-type wanting a relationship or at least a little cash from a famous person?  I have to work on that.


Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

Friday, April 10th

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I moved into my current apartment building about two years ago.  I see my neighbor every few days; he’s a nice guy in his 40′s.  Sometimes we’ll watch a baseball game together and drink beers, I like his company.  It’s weird though, because he used to be really bald and lately I’ve noticed he’s less and less bald.  He almost has a full head of hair.

Is he getting hair plugs?  Are we friends enough for me to ask about it?  How does he explain his new hair to his family and co-workers?  Maybe I’m being a judgmental asshole, and no one else cares?  I don’t exactly care, I’m just very very very very very very very curious.

Love,

Very Curious

Dear Very Curious,

I’m sure some people would disagree, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking about some one’s anti-aging methods.  As long as you are polite and will to be complimentary, you should feel free to satisfy your curiosity.

At my last job the CEO’s secretary went on vacation and came back with enormous boobs.  I was impressed by their girth and their exposure.  The secretary and I had a nice rapport, so I went up to her and said how nice her new jugs were and does it take some time for them to settle in place?  She acted stunned and coughed and stuttered that she was just wearing a new shirt.  So I got the drift and said “Here’s to tight shirts, eh?” and clinked her coffee mug with my coffee mug.

When I got back to my desk I already had an email from H.R. asking for a meeting.  Those bastards will get you in for a meeting for the littlest things and I wasn’t going to back down like I had to back down for putting Bailey’s in the coffee machine on Fridays.  I won’t bore you with the details, but in the end what really helped my case was the revelation that the CEO had actually paid for the secretary’s new boobs while they were on a clandestine trip to Mexico.  We all agreed to put the incident behind us and allow me to work from home.  It was pretty awesome actually.  But I never meant to insult or harass anyone, I was just trying to be friendly.

You should say to your neighbor friend: “Your hair looks great, would you mind telling me about it?”  If he doesn’t take the bait, you’ll have to let it go.  Some people want attention but then are touchy when they get it.


Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

Thursday, April 9th

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I’ve been reading about Lindsay Lohan’s break up with that D.J.  I feel really bad for her! She’s not the first person to go through rehab a few times, freak out and try and run some one down with a car, ho herself out all over town and get dumped and act crazy.  I’d like to reach out to her and let her know I understand and I feel for her.

Why is everyone giving her such a hard time?

Signed,

Big Fan of Big Red

Dear Big Fan,

I think we can all relate to some break up insanity.  Like, is it really that abnormal to do donuts on your exes’ lawn while playing “The Reason” by Hoobastank loud enough to cover the sounds of your sobs?  Or to throw eggs at your exes’ car while it’s parked at their work place and their co-workers watch you from the window as you run out of eggs and start tearing at your clothes and hair and screaming “You’re gonna regret leaving me!  You’ll never find another person like me” then collapse on the pavement and cry until the cops get there?  Or hack into your exes’ computer and email their boss sexually suggestive messages hoping they’ll get fired and have to come back to you for comfort and rent money and because you also burned all their clothes when they left for work?

The point is, love makes everyone a little insane.  It makes some of us very insane.  It even makes some of us criminally insane.  I guess people are giving Lohan a hard time because her behavior holds a mirror up to everyone who’s lost their mind a bit after a break up.  Also I think people are bothered by how she thinks she’s a great actress because she was cute in The Parent Trap and got a good part in Mean Girls but really she sort of sucks.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

Wednesday, April 8th

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

Please shed some light on Krispy Kreme doughnuts.  They’re made by white supremacists right?  They contain crack cocaine right?  When I walk past the little table that holds up these Satan cakes, my mind goes blank.  I forget about everything I used to think was important- my family, my job, my kick ass body- and turn into a blubbering mess.  I like to buy a dozen chocolate glazed and eat two while I stand in line.  The people in my office think they are sold by the 10′s because I’ve never made it in with a full dozen!

Please, tell me what the deal is.  Also, is there a rehab for Krispy Kreme addiction?

Signed,

Need Help

Dear Need Help,

The Poor Lucky Me research team looked into the matter with great detail.  It turns out that there is no evidence of a white supremacist conspiracy or the addition of crack cocaine.  The recipe remains a secret, but our independent lab results did not contain any noticeable addictive substances.  We did discover, however, that they sell a Whole Wheat Glazed doughnut!  Whole Wheat means good-for-you, and should be included to complete a healthy diet.  We also concluded that Krispy Kremes are best served after about 20 seconds in the microwave.

Maybe there’s nothing wrong with you indulging your doughnut passion.  As long as you’re not barfing them up after you eat them, or throwing people into traffic to get them, who cares if you have a few too many glazed on a Friday morning?  Sometimes when you obsess about exercising your willpower, your vice ends up getting the best of you.  Once you just let yourself go, the object of desire becomes a little less shiny and desirable.

Now, don’t discount the possibility of bringing a class action law suit against Krispy Kreme.  The doughnut industry has deep pockets, and this could be your free ticket to riches!  But you could also bring the empire down and be stuck with Dunkin Donuts, and I think their coffee sucks.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

Tuesday, April 7th

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I’m mad.  I am a loyal NPR listener and supporter.  Lately every time I tune in, it’s wall to wall bad news.  It’s bullshit!  I KNOW that there are some good things happening in the world.  I’ve had it up to here with the bad economy and stupid Korean launching “satellites” and hippies protesting the Olympics.  How is knowing this stuff going to help me be a confident consumer and a positive contributor to society?  The way it is now, I feel like hiding in my basement and eating the supplies I stocked up on before New Years Eve 1999.

What should I do to avoid the crushing depression brought on by the media? Don’t say ‘stop watching tv’ because that’s just not an option.

Love,

Betrayed By Steve Insky For the Last Time

Dear Betrayed by Steve Insky,

I felt the same way!  I donate $20 a month to NPR, which I think is more than fair considering how much I listen.  It helps me seem smart.  Anyway, last week I got sick and tired of all the gloom.  It was like listening to an Evangelical service about hell.  Even when they do personal interest stories now it’s about people who lost their jobs and have to scrounge around to pay their kid’s college tuition.  Or worse: reports from the unemployment office where they interview the people who have been standing in six hour long lines.  I was fed up and tried to find something else to listen to.  After fifteen minutes of Eric and Kathy in the Morning, I stormed into my office and pounded out an angry email to membership@chicagopublicradio.org.

I told them I would give them one week to start plugging in a little good news, or I’d be revoking my monthly pledge.  I explained that if I wanted to hear bad news bullshit all day I could tune in to Rush Limbaugh or Bill O’Reilly.  I challenged the notion that things were completely shit in this country, and accused them of getting on the bad-news-good-rating band wagon.  I tried to be polite, but I was mad.

The next day I got in my car and turned on the radio.  The first story on Morning Edition: “Has Spring Sprung for the Economy”.  It was a report on how consumer confidence was up, auto sales and home sales were creeping up, and maybe things were on the mend. I think I beat the system people.

I think this is the time that we must put our pride aside and be the squeakiest wheels we can be.  We must make demands of the people who ask for our money.  “Spending power” is a very real notion and for the first time, even people like me- who have $163 in their checking accounts- can stand up and say we want it done this way or we’ll take our money elsewhere.

I would never suggest you stop watching tv, that’s crazy.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

Monday, April 6th

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I am a new mother and I am making plans to go back to work, so I have to start interviewing nannies.  I am very worried because every time I go to the grocery store to buy mostly organic foods and look down on all the out of shape people who buy mostly processed foods, I read magazine covers about gorgeous film stars who have nanny problems of a sexual nature.
Do these women think that they are so hot that they can hire just any old nubile 18 year old from some sexually permissive country like Sweden and nothing will happen?  I can think of Uma Thurman, Jude Law’s ex-girlfriend (can’t remember her name) and now, Angelina Jolie, the uber-mother.
What should I do to avoid temptation to my husband.  Would it be ok to advertise only in Wisconsin newspapers for a “healthy, robust young woman minimum weight requirement-185 lbs.”?
Please advise,
Nervous New Mom


Dear Nervous New Mom,
Yes, celebrities think they are immune to normal people problems.  When you are chased around from one fancy restaurant to the next by paparazzi, you can’t focus on the little things.  Besides, they think its worth the risk not to have to be photographed with someone unattractive, and to not have to deal with their own children.  I think that’s fair.

I hate to break it to you but hiring a fatty won’t necessarily keep your husband safe from temptation.  Thanks to high fructose corn syrup- fat is the new normal, and chubby hoes have more to prove than their skinny counterparts.  Many men acknowledge that skinny chicks are boring in bed, and if you want something freaky you have to redefine your standard of “hot”.  I suggest hiring the most experienced nanny you can find.  Then tell your husband (in a loving way) that you have installed several “nanny cams” to keep him safe from sexual temptation.  If he doesn’t think that’s fair, he can find a man nanny or an old lady nanny.  Or he can make enough money to allow you to stay home with the baby.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Friday, April 3rd

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I grew a thick luxurious mustache as a joke a few weeks ago.  I didn’t anticipate how much power the mustache would give me.  I’m finding myself to be more assertive, more argumentative, and more self assured than ever before.

I can’t imagine giving the mustache up now.  It’s become a part of me, and I a part of it. How will I feel if I make it permanent and people still think I’m being ironic?

Can I be a mustache man?

Love,

Imbued With Manliness

Dear I.W.M.,

You can, no, you must be a mustache man!  It’s not your fault that people don’t understand the power of the mustache.  You can’t let people’s jealousies and insecurities stop you from exploring the power of the mustache.  It’s intimidating to discover something that completes you- that fills a hole you’ve felt for years.  But don’t turn away now.  Embrace it, let it’s power wash over you and fulfill you.

You have nothing to lose; you can shave the mustache at anytime.  You may have to reexamine your relationship with your mustache if it becomes too aggressive and starts ruling your life, like Blagojevich’s hair.  However, for the time being just enjoy the it’s power and share it’s goodness with the people you love.

Congratulations, you are a mustache man.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

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