Dear Poor Lucky Me,
Please shed some light on Krispy Kreme doughnuts. They’re made by white supremacists right? They contain crack cocaine right? When I walk past the little table that holds up these Satan cakes, my mind goes blank. I forget about everything I used to think was important- my family, my job, my kick ass body- and turn into a blubbering mess. I like to buy a dozen chocolate glazed and eat two while I stand in line. The people in my office think they are sold by the 10′s because I’ve never made it in with a full dozen!
Please, tell me what the deal is. Also, is there a rehab for Krispy Kreme addiction?
Signed,
Need Help
Dear Need Help,
The Poor Lucky Me research team looked into the matter with great detail. It turns out that there is no evidence of a white supremacist conspiracy or the addition of crack cocaine. The recipe remains a secret, but our independent lab results did not contain any noticeable addictive substances. We did discover, however, that they sell a Whole Wheat Glazed doughnut! Whole Wheat means good-for-you, and should be included to complete a healthy diet. We also concluded that Krispy Kremes are best served after about 20 seconds in the microwave.
Maybe there’s nothing wrong with you indulging your doughnut passion. As long as you’re not barfing them up after you eat them, or throwing people into traffic to get them, who cares if you have a few too many glazed on a Friday morning? Sometimes when you obsess about exercising your willpower, your vice ends up getting the best of you. Once you just let yourself go, the object of desire becomes a little less shiny and desirable.
Now, don’t discount the possibility of bringing a class action law suit against Krispy Kreme. The doughnut industry has deep pockets, and this could be your free ticket to riches! But you could also bring the empire down and be stuck with Dunkin Donuts, and I think their coffee sucks.
Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me
