Dear Mr. Malkovich,
I’m sure you remember me- I waited on you at an Italian restaurant in Chicago five years ago. You ordered steamed spinach and a portabello mushroom, then make fun of yourself for getting such a “Hollywood” meal. I laughed very very hard to indicate that I thought you were awesome. You left me a 100% tip. Especially compared to the other celebrity I waited on, Tootie from Facts of Life, you were so cool I almost exploded. (Tootie got her dinner comped and left me no tip.)
So last night I watched “Burn After Reading” because you are in it. I was reluctant because the movie didn’t get great reviews, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. I felt like if you read the script and liked it enough to engage, it had to be great. And if it wasn’t great, it was only because something got mucked up in editing or the studio put it through testing or something.
Well I have to be honest, I was so mesmerized by your performance, I don’t even know what happened in the rest of the movie. I would stare at your during your scenes, and yell “He’s so incredible” then when you weren’t on camera I’d think about how funny you were, or what a great actor you are. I’d wonder what you do for fun, and if you’d ever want to get together and talk about our favorite books. I kept grabbing my roommate by the shoulders and screaming “Isn’t he just THE BEST”. My roommate stopped trying to push me away after about an hour.
I guess I’d better get going now. I just wanted to tell you that I think you are so cool, so funny, so talented, and welcomed to have a sleepover at my house anytime. It can be platonic or whatever. I’ll keep clean P.J.’s in the drawer just for you.
Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me.
