Reader Contemplates a New Hobby – Thursday March 4th


Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I was reading an article in Vanity Fair about “The Bling Ring” It was a bunch of rich kids who had the balls to break into celebrities’ homes and steal stuff. Their justification boiled down to little more that “We wanted more stuff.”


At first I was outraged. Then I was disgusted. Then I wondered why celebrities don’t have security systems in their homes…


My Grandmother has a security system and all she has to steal is some grapefruit juice and stockings from the 1970′s.


Are celebrities really that dumb?
Should I Steal Stuff Too?


Dear Should I Steal Stuff Too,
From what I read, the celebs did have security systems. They just also left windows or doors unlocked. So I don’t know if they’re dumb or if they’re houses are just too big.


See, that’s why I live in a 500 square foot apartment with a roommate and a dog. It’s easy to clean (if I were so inclined) easy to find stuff (check the piles on the floor first) and easy to lock up (turn lock on door, latch single window).


The other trick to not getting robbed is not to fill your home with Rolex’s and designer clothes. A Casio calculator watch and two pairs of Levis ought to do the trick, whether your a celebrity or just take a low interest in your appearance. We need to divorce ourselves, as a culture from thinking things are really cool. You know what’s really cool? ACTUALLY BEING COOL. Although that’s very difficult- not for me, but for other people.


Poor Lucky Me


P.S. Don’t steal stuff.

Where to Draw the Line – Wednesday March 3rd

Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I’ve been dating this really great guy for about six weeks. It’s been a dream relationship so far. But I guess if things are too good to be true…well you know how that goes. Last night we were at a beautiful fancy dinner. The table was lit by soft candles, the good was perfect, the wine was magnificent. He reached across the table and took my hand, gazing deep into my eyes and said: “You know what I thought was a really good movie that everyone else hated? Titanic.”


Needless to say I was crushed, and am considering breaking up with him now. I just don’t know how to relate to someone who would say something like that.


What would you do?


Broken Hearted


Dear Broken Hearted,
I think you already know the answer to your question. Unless you’re willing to seriously compromise yourself, you much part ways with any one who loves the movie Titanic. Unless it’s your 13 year old niece.


If you’re not willing to end the relationship, at least confront your boyfriend and tell him there are some things you refuse to tolerate. Suggest you watch some movies together so you can get a read on whether or not this is an insurmountable problem.


Good luck to you. I’m hoping this is an isolated incident and that you two will find great happiness together.


Poor Lucky Me

Ear Rage- Tuesday March 2nd


Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I’m sorry if this sounds judgmental…actually no. I’m NOT sorry if this sounds judgmental, I don’t care anymore! I continue to be outraged by people who work in restaurants or grocery stores who have those earring things that stretch the earlobe to a terrifying degree. Do you know what I’m talking about? We called them “Gauges” in college.


They’re horrifying in a normal context, but when I see them anywhere near food I feel like barfing. Violently barfing. Common offenders: Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s, Potbelly.


I want to start a movement banning this kind of ear accessory from places that serve or sell food.


What do you think?


Angry and Grossed Out


Dear Angry and Grossed Out,
I couldn’t agree more, and I don’t think it’s judgmental. It’s not like you’re demanding gauges be outlawed, let’s just find another profession for people who sport them. If one were born with gaping holes in one’s ears it would be different, but this is a choice one makes. A fashion choice involving self-mutilation.


I used to go to this great bakery on Belmont. Then they hired a new cashier who had had gauges but took them out, leaving behind just the thin dangling loops of ear lobe skin. Sorry, but there’s no way I’m enjoying a chocolate croissant in the vicinity of that guy.


In short, I fully support your movement. I also would like to start a movement to ban heterosexual men from wearing button down shirts with embroidery down the front. Those are awful.


Poor Lucky Me

List – Monday March 1st

I Hate All Walgreens

I Hate All Walgreens



Five Reasons I Have Decided To Boycott the Walgreens at the Corner of North and Wells:


1. All human cashiers have been replaced by badly functioning auto-checkers. This is an outrage on a couple of different levels. First, people have lost their jobs because Walgreens shareholders demand continued quarterly profits. Second, because I do not want to have to check out my own items especially when those damn machines never work- so you have to stand there fuming waiting for some one to come over everytime it wails “Unexpected Item In Bagging Area”.


2. The Walgreens employees who remain do not wear uniforms. Consequently, you can’t find one when you need one, and when some one offers you help you assume its a well dressed homeless person and run away protectively clutching your change.


3. The entire store is inexplicably arranged backwards. Every time you try to get to the candy aisle, you end up in the enema aisle.


4. They only refrigerate the giant sized Smart Water, and leave the portable sized ones in the aisle at room temperature. Who came up with that plan?


5. There is a sign at the front door advertising a Slushie machine, but at my last visit it was nowhere to be found. I think a phantom Slushie is about as cruel as it gets.


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