Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I read on-line news and like to leave comments. Then I’ll check back to see what people thought about my comments. Occasionally, others don’t take the enlightened things I say well, and I have to reply to their comments with some aggression. Then they reply with heightened aggression. And so on.

If I’m not careful, it can take up my whole day! I know I probably shouldn’t engage these weirdos, but what if I’m actually the weirdo.

Is it weird that I worry about this kind of thing?

Signed,
I Like YouTube Comments Too

Dear YouTube Comments,
I have always wondered who those people are. In fact, one of my favorite things to do is read comment-fights and wonder if the hormones in our cow meat have finally brought socialety into an era of constant rage.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I have a gripe about multitasking: I am not good at it, and everyone else seems to be. If I am driving and trying to carry a conversation, I slow down like an Apple 2e trying to print and play Oregon Trail at the same time. Talking on the cell phone and walking can even be a problem.

If I am on the phone and I walk by something even partially cool, like say, a 70s Camero, I am speechless for at least 10 seconds.

Do I need more mental RAM? Do other people have this terrible disability? How do they cope?

Signed,
Outdated Hardware

Dear Outdated,

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I recently attended a meeting of my Condo Association. It turns out they were the biggest bunch of blowhards I’ve ever seen in my life.

Is my experience unique or it that how it goes for condo boards? Also is it rude for me to criticize people who volunteer their time?

-Name Withheld, Boston MA.

Dear Name Withheld,
It’s not rude to criticize them as long as you acknowledge that they’re doing a job you’d never do. And as long as you just do it here, where you have a safe place to complain about anything you want. Just don’t be one of those people who walks up and down the halls of your building bitching like mad but refusing to attend meetings, let alone apply for a position on the board.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

10 Signs That Taco Bell Is Actually A Subversive Organization

1. The Fourth Meal…they’re going to happily bill themselves as the thing to eat when you’re too wasted to care?

2. Trying to pass off the Taco Bell diet as a legitimate way to lose weight. It’s for people who want to lose weight but refuse to cut out fast food.

3. Introducing shrimp tacos.

4. What ever happened to that Chihuahua spokesperson? Or Eric Estrada? Why do the Taco Bell spokespeople keep disappearing? It’s almost as if they know too much…Charles Barkley better watch out.

5. Why do the tacos have to be so cheap? A 49 cent taco is more than just a fast food item, it’s an agenda.

6. My dog refused to eat the ground beef in a Chalupa. And she eats garbage.

7. The Volcano Nachos feature reduced fat sour cream. In case your diet features nachos but restricts your full fat dairy intake.

8. The Fruitista Freeze.

9. Cinnamon Twists taste suspiciously like Soylent Green.

10. Remember that song “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell”? That’s propaganda.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
Please enlighten us: What is up with the movie “Hot Tub Time Machine”? Has everyone is Hollywood just decided to go home and leave the movie ideas to a room full of monkeys?

Every time I see the commercial for that movie I feel my soul shrivel up a little more.

Signed,
I Thought Of That Movie In Eighth Grade

Dear I.T.O.T.M.I.E.G.,
Your assessment is close, but not quite accurate. The screenwriting monkeys were emancipated in the 90′s, right after Weekend at Bernie’s Part II. Then the powerful Hollywood Executives devised an elaborate formula, sort of like a giant Mad Libs. The just have interns plug in various nouns, adjectives, romantic interests, hilarious situations and touching outcomes.

The writers and producers of H.T.T.M. hope that you’ll be so delighted by their awesome jokes about leg warmers and cassette tapes that you won’t notice that watching the movie has actually made you dumber.
Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I’m curious about the history of bed pans. Particularly: what ever happened to them? Where did they go? Why don’t people use them any more?

See, I am having this debate with my partner. Just because there is a flush toilet a few yards away from the bed doesn’t make it convenient. You have to get up, stumble across the bedroom, bumping your knee on the corner of the bed or tripping over your clothes and shoes and old pizza boxes, and then get to the bathroom, figure out where the toilet is, and aim as best you can. The result is a mess that you are too tired to deal with, and then you get back to bed and you can’t go back to sleep. Wouldn’t a little chamber pot be so much easier?

I sure think so, but he doesn’t seem to keen. Any additional rationale you can think of to help win over my significant other would be most welcome. And any phone numbers of bed pan dealers would be good.

Also, how do you use it? Do you just roll to your side and let loose, or do you have to kneel, or crouch? Is it OK for that rare midnight number two? Etc.

Sincerely,

Thinking of getting one anyway and not telling him

Dear Thinking,
The history of the bedpan is a long and fascinating one. However, I think what you’re talking about is the bedpan’s more sophisticated cousin: the chamber pot. The chamber pot is still used today in countries that lack universal indoor plumber, as well as in some homes (such as your own) where residents are fed up with more modern means of evacuation.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

Why is peeing in the pool frowned upon, but fish peeing in the ocean is totally acceptable? Lakes, rivers and ponds are also victims of nature.

Best Wishes,
Just Wondering

Dear Just Wondering,
I don’t think that fish urination is acceptable either. In fact, I strongly frown on the fish and other wildlife who pollute the world’s bodies of water with their excrement. If we have to learn to use a toilet with regularity and accuracy, why shouldn’t they? Ducks especially. Those ducks think they’re so great.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I’ve become really really close with a cocktail waitress at the local sexy-cocktail-waitress place in my small town. On one hand I feel like she really likes me, on the other hand I know that I give her really big tips.

Is it totally pathetic to admit I have a crush on her? Is it worse than pathetic, is it sort of stalker-y?

Signed,
In Love-Ish

Dear In Love-Ish,
It’s neither pathetic nor stalker-y. Don’t put such negative labels on your feelings. I would say it’s just not terribly realistic.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

10 Reasons I’m Glad I Don’t Have to Eat Live Food, Like Wild Animals Do:

1. I’m a reluctant carnivore.

2. I’m a slow runner and even if guns are allowed I dislike loud noises.

3. I faint immediately at the sight of blood.

4. I’ve been known to gag viciously at the site of gristle on a steak.

5. Duck is the gamiest thing I’ve ever eaten. And it was at a country club. And I thought it was gross.

6. I find sushi gruesome.

7. Once I killed a spider in my bathroom and demanded my roommate wake up to attend the subsequent funeral. He now sleeps with his door locked.

8. What if I did succeed in running down a deer or a cow and then it turned around and kicked me with it’s hooves? Then I’ve hobbling around with a hoof kick to the gut? I’m sure I wouldn’t get workers comp for that.

9. I’m a picky eater. What if I murder a chicken and decide I’m more in the mood for grouse? Think of the potential carnage!

10. Eating live food would cut into my TV watching time.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I’ve been invited to an Oscar party Sunday night and have only seen one Nominated movie- Avatar. Any tips for what I can say to not look like so out of touch? And don’t say “just be honest” because I’ve tried that before and it’s just not my style.

Yours,
More of a Television Fan

Dear Television Fan,
I really urge you to revisit being honest, it’s always the easiest way to go through life. if you feel like you just can’t get there, here are five stock answers you can choose from. If you’re in the right setting, people probably won’t question you:

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me