Trolling! – Thursday March 18th

Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I read on-line news and like to leave comments. Then I’ll check back to see what people thought about my comments. Occasionally, others don’t take the enlightened things I say well, and I have to reply to their comments with some aggression. Then they reply with heightened aggression. And so on.


If I’m not careful, it can take up my whole day! I know I probably shouldn’t engage these weirdos, but what if I’m actually the weirdo.


Is it weird that I worry about this kind of thing?


I Like YouTube Comments Too


Dear YouTube Comments,
I have always wondered who those people are. In fact, one of my favorite things to do is read comment-fights and wonder if the hormones in our cow meat have finally brought socialety into an era of constant rage.

Hey do you ever scan and goad people into fighting there? I think those are probably the best fights, because they’re so pointless. They’re not even about ethics or politics, just strangers bickering with each other to no end. It’s as awesome as it is totally depressing.


I bet that if it wasn’t so easy to get food this kind of stuff wouldn’t happen. I mean, stranger’s comments wouldn’t drive you to the edge if you weren’t so warm and safe and well fed. It’s like we have to create things to struggle for, because we don’t have to worry about the basics anymore.


Personally, I start to go insane when I’m hungry. Just the other day I knocked down a little kid and ate her sandwich while I hunched in the street because it was 12:45 pm and I hadn’t had lunch. I could probably parlay that instinct into some sweet hunting skills.


Poor Lucky Me

Nostalgic for Solotasking – Wednesday March 17th

Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I have a gripe about multitasking: I am not good at it, and everyone else seems to be. If I am driving and trying to carry a conversation, I slow down like an Apple 2e trying to print and play Oregon Trail at the same time. Talking on the cell phone and walking can even be a problem.


If I am on the phone and I walk by something even partially cool, like say, a 70s Camero, I am speechless for at least 10 seconds.


Do I need more mental RAM? Do other people have this terrible disability? How do they cope?


Outdated Hardware


Dear Outdated,


Multitasking has made it impossible to enjoy life’s simple joys. I used to happily sit, or read, or bath. These things didn’t need to be combined. Once again, The Man has convinced us poor suckers that multi-tasking is an important skill. It’s not your fault, I fell for it too.


I sat in the bath tub the other day, talking loudly to my neighbor through the vent, watching television on my phone, training my dog to open and close doors, learning a new language using the Rosetta Stone, and I couldn’t help but wonder where this was all taking me. I will never achieve an enlightened detachment from the physical world at this point.


Additionally, I just moved into a small apartment with a shockingly large bath tub. It’s so comfortable because I have really short legs and usually I secretly feel like I’m moments away from drowning in the tub.


Other people cope with their crappy multitasking ability by doing several things badly at the same time. Do not feel pressured to follow the American descent into indifference and bad service. Besides, a 70′s Camero is much more than partially cool, and deserves your full attention.


Poor Lucky Me

Reader Curious About Windbags – Tuesday March 16th


Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I recently attended a meeting of my Condo Association. It turns out they were the biggest bunch of blowhards I’ve ever seen in my life.


Is my experience unique or it that how it goes for condo boards? Also is it rude for me to criticize people who volunteer their time?


-Name Withheld, Boston MA.


Dear Name Withheld,
It’s not rude to criticize them as long as you acknowledge that they’re doing a job you’d never do. And as long as you just do it here, where you have a safe place to complain about anything you want. Just don’t be one of those people who walks up and down the halls of your building bitching like mad but refusing to attend meetings, let alone apply for a position on the board.


Also, I’m afraid your condo board is pretty typical. Nothing gets under my skin like people saying “nay” to planting more flowers on the sun deck, then having a 5 minute debate over it. I’ve decided to start studying the cultural phenomenon of people arguing at meetings because they figure since they’re at the meeting they might as well expend some energy.


As you know I don’t not share that sentiment. I take all meetings as an opportunity to practice sleeping with my eyes closed. Soon I’ll be able to sleep the entire work day and stay up all night doing whatever I please…mostly watching old episodes of “Millionare Matchmaker” and yelling at the television.


Poor Lucky Me

List – Monday March 15

10 Signs That Taco Bell Is Actually A Subversive Organization


1. The Fourth Meal…they’re going to happily bill themselves as the thing to eat when you’re too wasted to care?


2. Trying to pass off the Taco Bell diet as a legitimate way to lose weight. It’s for people who want to lose weight but refuse to cut out fast food.


3. Introducing shrimp tacos.


4. What ever happened to that Chihuahua spokesperson? Or Eric Estrada? Why do the Taco Bell spokespeople keep disappearing? It’s almost as if they know too much…Charles Barkley better watch out.


5. Why do the tacos have to be so cheap? A 49 cent taco is more than just a fast food item, it’s an agenda.


6. My dog refused to eat the ground beef in a Chalupa. And she eats garbage.


7. The Volcano Nachos feature reduced fat sour cream. In case your diet features nachos but restricts your full fat dairy intake.


8. The Fruitista Freeze.


9. Cinnamon Twists taste suspiciously like Soylent Green.


10. Remember that song “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell”? That’s propaganda.


Movie-Writing-Monkeys Called To Task – Friday March 12th

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
Please enlighten us: What is up with the movie “Hot Tub Time Machine”? Has everyone is Hollywood just decided to go home and leave the movie ideas to a room full of monkeys?


Every time I see the commercial for that movie I feel my soul shrivel up a little more.


I Thought Of That Movie In Eighth Grade


Dear I.T.O.T.M.I.E.G.,
Your assessment is close, but not quite accurate. The screenwriting monkeys were emancipated in the 90′s, right after Weekend at Bernie’s Part II. Then the powerful Hollywood Executives devised an elaborate formula, sort of like a giant Mad Libs. The just have interns plug in various nouns, adjectives, romantic interests, hilarious situations and touching outcomes.


There are still creative people try desperately to make worthwhile films, but they’re little match for Hot Tub Time Machine and the like. The creative types have to work five times as hard and once their movies are made they have to sit in their mother’s basement, biting their nails and hoping that a love interest won’t be added in the final edit.


The writers and producers of H.T.T.M. hope that you’ll be so delighted by their awesome jokes about leg warmers and cassette tapes that you won’t notice that watching the movie has actually made you dumber.
Poor Lucky Me

Toilet Alternatives – Thursday March 11th

Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I’m curious about the history of bed pans. Particularly: what ever happened to them? Where did they go? Why don’t people use them any more?


See, I am having this debate with my partner. Just because there is a flush toilet a few yards away from the bed doesn’t make it convenient. You have to get up, stumble across the bedroom, bumping your knee on the corner of the bed or tripping over your clothes and shoes and old pizza boxes, and then get to the bathroom, figure out where the toilet is, and aim as best you can. The result is a mess that you are too tired to deal with, and then you get back to bed and you can’t go back to sleep. Wouldn’t a little chamber pot be so much easier?


I sure think so, but he doesn’t seem to keen. Any additional rationale you can think of to help win over my significant other would be most welcome. And any phone numbers of bed pan dealers would be good.


Also, how do you use it? Do you just roll to your side and let loose, or do you have to kneel, or crouch? Is it OK for that rare midnight number two? Etc.



Thinking of getting one anyway and not telling him


Dear Thinking,
The history of the bedpan is a long and fascinating one. However, I think what you’re talking about is the bedpan’s more sophisticated cousin: the chamber pot. The chamber pot is still used today in countries that lack universal indoor plumber, as well as in some homes (such as your own) where residents are fed up with more modern means of evacuation.


Unfortunately, Poor Lucky Me cannot condone the use of chamber pots if modern facilities are available. While I understand and sympathize with your aversion to getting up in the middle of the night, I am a true devotee of the toilet. To eschew the toilet for a chamber pot would feel like abandoning a pen for a hammer and chisel. Like throwing away your shoes and wrapping your feet in plastic shopping bags and duct tape. It’s too meaningful an invention in my life to look for any other solutions.


Also- it is advised not to go number two in a chamber pot.


Poor Lucky Me

Wondering About Water Etiquette – Wednesday March 10th


Dear Poor Lucky Me,


Why is peeing in the pool frowned upon, but fish peeing in the ocean is totally acceptable? Lakes, rivers and ponds are also victims of nature.


Best Wishes,
Just Wondering


Dear Just Wondering,
I don’t think that fish urination is acceptable either. In fact, I strongly frown on the fish and other wildlife who pollute the world’s bodies of water with their excrement. If we have to learn to use a toilet with regularity and accuracy, why shouldn’t they? Ducks especially. Those ducks think they’re so great.


On the other hand, humans pour pollutants into the oceans and rivers. I think the Cayahoga River even caught fire once. Or maybe that was Lake Erie? The point is, I guess we can suffer a little fish pee as long as they don’t start dumping their chemical waste into our streets and homes. That should be the deal.


Poor Lucky Me

Love Served Up With a Tip – Tuesday March 9th


Dear Poor Lucky Me,


I’ve become really really close with a cocktail waitress at the local sexy-cocktail-waitress place in my small town. On one hand I feel like she really likes me, on the other hand I know that I give her really big tips.


Is it totally pathetic to admit I have a crush on her? Is it worse than pathetic, is it sort of stalker-y?


In Love-Ish


Dear In Love-Ish,
It’s neither pathetic nor stalker-y. Don’t put such negative labels on your feelings. I would say it’s just not terribly realistic.


I am not cynical by nature, but there are a few things I’ve learned to be pretty universal:


1. People are more likely to act as if they like you if you pay them.


2. If some one does like you romantically, they are very clear about it.


3. Strippers, cocktail waitresses and small town girls have been known to send mixed signals.


The bottom line is that sometimes you just want to practice being kind and sexy with someone, so that when the right girl comes along you’re ready. But don’t spend a lot of energy on someone doesn’t clearly reciprocate your affection.


Poor Lucky Me

LIST – Monday March 8th


10 Reasons I’m Glad I Don’t Have to Eat Live Food, Like Wild Animals Do:


1. I’m a reluctant carnivore.


2. I’m a slow runner and even if guns are allowed I dislike loud noises.


3. I faint immediately at the sight of blood.


4. I’ve been known to gag viciously at the site of gristle on a steak.


5. Duck is the gamiest thing I’ve ever eaten. And it was at a country club. And I thought it was gross.


6. I find sushi gruesome.


7. Once I killed a spider in my bathroom and demanded my roommate wake up to attend the subsequent funeral. He now sleeps with his door locked.


8. What if I did succeed in running down a deer or a cow and then it turned around and kicked me with it’s hooves? Then I’ve hobbling around with a hoof kick to the gut? I’m sure I wouldn’t get workers comp for that.


9. I’m a picky eater. What if I murder a chicken and decide I’m more in the mood for grouse? Think of the potential carnage!


10. Eating live food would cut into my TV watching time.

Award Show Jitters – Friday March 5th

Oscar StatuettesDear Poor Lucky Me,


I’ve been invited to an Oscar party Sunday night and have only seen one Nominated movie- Avatar. Any tips for what I can say to not look like so out of touch? And don’t say “just be honest” because I’ve tried that before and it’s just not my style.


More of a Television Fan


Dear Television Fan,
I really urge you to revisit being honest, it’s always the easiest way to go through life. if you feel like you just can’t get there, here are five stock answers you can choose from. If you’re in the right setting, people probably won’t question you:


1. I saw better acting in my niece’s 8th grade performance of “The Whiz” .


2. It’s refreshing to see such unique art direction.


3. I didn’t like that film because I read that the director is a misogynist.


4. Oh, I must have been in the bathroom during the part where that movie got good, because I thought it sucked.


5. That was a rip off of a French film I saw in 2001.


Remember- if you ever get busted not knowing what you’re talking about, laugh maniacally and say “I WAS KIDDING”


Poor Lucky Me

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