Challenged Political Orientation – Thursday April 15th

I Used To Be A Liberal Too

I Used To Be A Liberal Too

 

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

I am a liberal, but I went to a Tea Party rally today just to see what the fuss was about. I guess I went as a so-called liberal-plant, because I wanted to blend in.

 

The problem is that besides the many insane people, some of the slogans really made sense to me. I mean not the blatantly racists ones or the Obama-is-a-Marxist ones- but a few of the signs about deadlocked Congress and the bloated bureaucracy…I’ve been saying that all along!

 

Could it be that I’m not a liberal plant, but a reluctant Tea Bagger?

 

Signed,
Afraid My Family And Friends Will Find Out

 

Dear Afraid,
Let’s all calm down here. You are not a reluctant Tea Bagger, you are some one with a realistic view of the troubles in America’s political system. Disagreeing with the Democrats does not make you disenfranchised. Even the most heart liberal husband can think of a few things wrong with their party. It’s been a rough decade.

 

I’m not anti-Tea-Party, but I would like to point out that a group who started out with good intent has been hijacked by sleazy politicians who will stop at nothing to further their agenda. In other words, they’re now the same as all other political parties. I know I’m not saying anything terribly profound, but I still need to say it. They can all march around and declare that they have no cohesive group and that they have no leader but if Sarah Palin speaks at your for-profit political rallies I think it’s safe to say the jig is up.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

A Few Pounds Reveal Deeper Issues- Wednesday, April 14th

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Dear Poor Lucky Me,
My girlfriend has started gaining weight. Not a lot, maybe five pounds. But I think I know where this is headed and I really don’t want to date a fat chick. So I’m thinking about either buying her a gym membership for her birthday or even just suggesting she go on a diet.

 

I really love this girl but it’s really important that my mate is physically fit. I think she would understand where I was coming from too.

 

-Name Withheld

 

Dear Name Withheld,
Your situation reminds me of an old saying I heard once:

 

If you love something and it gains a little weight and you think it’s fat,
Let it go,
Because you’re probably painfully shallow,
Or have wicked low self esteem,
And it’s better off without you.

 

I think my Grandmother had that needlepointed on a pillow or something.
Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Judging a Book by the Stupid Crap it Says- Tuesday April 13th

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Today I read an article about Mike Huckabee’s views on gay marriage. I’m pretty sure it was from the liberal media- it was an AP article. The things he was quoted as saying made me scream in fury. Now I can use Mike Huckabees face as aversion therapy the next time I go on a diet. If I want a hot dog, I just look at a picture of Huckabee and I’ll vomit with rage. Does a Snickers bar look good? Not after seeing a picture of Huckabee.

 

For instance:
Huckabee told the interviewer that not every group’s interests deserve to be accommodated, if their lifestyle is outside of what he called “the ideal.”

 

“That would be like saying, well there’s there are a lot of people who like to use drugs so let’s go ahead and accommodate those who want to use drugs. There are some people who believe in incest, so we should accommodate them. There are people who believe in polygamy, should we accommodate them?” he said, according to a transcript of the interview.

 

First of all, if Mike Huckabee is now in charge of defining an ideal lifestyle, I might as well end it all now. Or at least move to another country. Second of all, asshole, people who use drugs are already accommodated with a prescription. And people who use illegal drugs should be accommodated because the war of drugs is a complete failure. Third of of, no one “believes in incest” they are just mentally ill. To compare incest and homosexuality is to identify yourself as a complete idiot. In my opinion.

 

More insights from the insightful Huckabee:
On gay marriage, he said in an interview, “Marriage has historically never meant anything other than a man and a woman. It has never meant two men, two women, a man and his pet, or a man and a whole herd of pets.”

 

Again, homosexuality and bestiality are not the same, unless you are a bigoted redneck. Also, frankly, I couldn’t care less if a dude wants to marry his dog. How exactly does that threaten my marriage, or my morality? I don’t think if some one marries his dog, his herd of cows, or his long-time same sex partner that invalidates my heterosexual marriage. But then again, I’m not a god damn idiot.

 

I can’t help but think that people who are adamantly opposed to same-sex couples marrying are just closeted self-loathing homosexuals. Like they are so afraid if Homosexuality becomes more acceptable they’ll fall right into a bathhouse and start blowing dudes like mad because that’s really what they wanted to do all along. The only thing that keeps them “straight” is their wife and the good ole Bible. Except for the times they go to the Airport in Minneapolis. Or when a gay prostitute offers them a little meth and a relaxing massage. I’m pretty secure in my sexuality, so I don’t care what other people do sexually or who they marry.

 

I do care when people try and impose their pseudo-religious beliefs on anyone they find threatening to their neatly boxed in life. I also care when idiot politicians use hot button issues to try and drum up support from fringe groups. And I do believe that the people who agree with Huckabee are the vocal fringe. I have to believe that, at least until I have enough money to buy a private island.

LIST- Monday April 12th

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10 Things I Am Immediately Suspicious Of When Approached By A Stranger

 

1. I’m about to be solicited by swingers/sex club members/be invited to a key party. This has never happened to me but I remain vigilant.

 

2. I will be asked for directions. This happens to me almost everyday. I am terrible with directions but refuse to be mistaken for a tourist, so I usually get out my iPhone and look up where they’re going. Then I show them on the map and walk them in the right direction until I feel like they’re headed in the right direction. This takes up a lot of my free time. And a lot of time that I’m supposed to be at work.

 

3. I will become entangled in the old “I lost my wallet and can’t get home to the suburbs” grift. Although I’ve been approached several times by such a grifter, I’m proud to say I’ve never fallen for it. Including the old, “my car broke down on the highway and I don’t have any money to fix it but I can sell you my car stereo for $20″- the car stereo has conveniently already been ripped from the dashboard of the “broken down” car.

 

4. I will be caught off guard by some attractive man telling me what incredible hair I have, then be sold a spa package to a salon I’ve never heard of. I almost been a victim of this many times, but I’m getting savvier in my old age. Now I’m careful never to have more than $7 cash on me at any given time. It keeps me out of trouble.
5. I will be asked if I want to save the children or the environment. I do want to save both. But not by being accosted on the street.

 

6. I will be recruited to join a cult. This happened to me in college. A girl walked up to me and said, “Are you lonely? Would you like to join the Upside Down Club?” I hightailed it out of there, offended that some one could see through my “I’m not lonely, I’m just a loner” routine. Later I found out the Upside Down Club was a cult. Being easily offended really saved my ass on that one.

 

7. I will be pick pocketed. But i’m always prepared by already having bad credit (my cards have tiny credit limits) and little cash (see #4).

 

8. I will be sold a Streetwise paper. I don’t mind giving a guy a buck or two, but I don’t want to hold that damn paper all day. I don’t even read the mainstream newspaper because I’m really grossed out by newspaper ink. I can’t imagine that Streetwise doesn’t use that same powdery ink that gets all over everything.

 

9. It’s not really a stranger, it’s actually some one I know but I’m weird about wearing my glasses so I can’t recognize people until there’s within three feet of my face. This happens to me pretty frequently. I would like to say that I might start wearing my glasses consistently…but…you know….

 

10. I will be asked for a quarter to feed the meter. I’m hoarding my quarters.

The Internet Made Me Do It – Friday April 9th

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Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

Why do some people feel compelled to broadcast copious details about their lives via the Internet?

 

I just met for a half hour with a prospective client for the first time. After he left, I checked out his twitter page and within five minutes I learned where he shops, eats, drinks, exercises, and gets his dry cleaning done. I now know what kind of car he drives, the brand and model of the bike he just bought, even how he likes his coffee from Starbucks.

 

Are these people insane? Is it really identity theft if you give it away?

 

Signed,

TMI (Too Much Internet)

 


Dear TMI,
Remember when you were in high school or college and you really wanted to be understood by your peers? You may have listened to your music extra loud so people knew you were cool enough to have that sweet sweet Phish bootleg, or you may have gotten some now regretted tattoo or piercing that represented how tough or unique you were.

 

But after college the urge remained- that’s why some people still want to drive flashy cars or wear blue tooth headsets all the time, even in the movies. Until…..THE INTERNET! The internet is the perfect tool to disseminate important information like how successful you are, how healthy you are, how hilarious you are, and how busy you are. You can reach your peers more efficiantly than you ever could with a nipple piecing and a tattoo of Speedy Gonzales.

 

Some people don’t carry this urgent need for constant attention, but most do (have you read my blog?). The real separation is made between who you care to learn about and who you roll your eyes at every time you read their “Gym Tan Lunch” Facebook updates.

 

And no, it’s not identity theft. Now it’s called “Data farming”.
Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Just Wondering – Thursday April 8th

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Do you ever have that thing happen to you were you start to get self conscious about talking too much? But instead of stopping yourself, you hear yourself talk more and more- telling stories that involve the F word or things that happen to you in the bathroom?  Then you make an awkward joke about talking too much, which makes everyone being tortured by you have to reassure you that you’re not being annoying?  Then you finally get yourself to shut up only to be met by silence and curious looks by the people around you?  

 

Then you wonder if maybe you weren’t talking too much, maybe you were actually being funny and now everyone is left without entertainment?  So you decide to tell one more funny story, but it’s the graphic one about two old people you know who went to a swingers club?  And the people laugh but you can totally tell that you crossed the line?  So you explain that you didn’t mean tot cross the line, but comedy is a gamble and you have to be in it to win it but sometimes you lose?  Then you get a few laughs off of that lotto joke which give you a little self confidence so you tell another story?

 

Then you realize you are dominating the conversation again so you try and ask someone else a question but they turn out to be a dud and answer you monosyllabically so you’re left having to rescue the conversation again?  Finally it’s late enough to go and the whole cab ride home you can’t stop wondering if you’re the life of the party, the most annoying person ever or completely neurotic?

 

Yea.  That happens to me sometimes too.

It’s a boy! – Wednesday April 7th

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The Thing Is- Tuesday April 6th

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There are so many things I didn’t know before I got pregnant. For instance: I didn’t know I would grow a fine white beard or cry in the super market when moving muzak was played. But I think one of the more difficult things I’ve encountered is that I can’t complain anymore. I mean I am able to complain, but people are always trying to make me feel better instead of commiserating.

 

I’m beating around the bush though, because there’s only one big thing I want to complain about…my weight. I’ve gained a pound a week since I got pregnant. It’s not like I’m eating hot wings and ice cream, I just can’t move that well anymore. At first I was too tired, then I got a chronic back ache (sacrum, if you want to know all the gory details). Now at twenty weeks, I feel like a minke whale.

 

It’s not just my belly, it’s my giant boobs and feet too. For someone who was so vain about her intense and regular gym work outs, this is a very distressing change. Especially because when I do make it to the gym, I feel like it’s packed with skinny pregnant girls jogging on the treadmill. I would need a plaster bra to go jogging.

 

I try and complain about how fat I feel to everyone. I’m not exaggerating. I bring it up to the Fed Ex guy, the mail lady, the 7-11 clerk, my mom, my doorman, a guy I saw smoking outside of my office building…anyone who makes the mistake of asking “How are you”. It turns out that the most frustrating part about feeling hugely fat and unathletic is that people respond with the most annoyingly obvious “But you’re pregnant”.

 

Yes. I know I’m pregnant. And I’m so so happy I am. It truly feel like it’s a miracle, and I don’t even believe in miracles. It’s something I dreamed about happening since I first met my husband (creating a tiny helpless version of him who would let me bath him and carry him around).

 

I just didn’t know I’d feel so fat.

 

So there you have it. That’s the truth. I’m pregnant, and I’m one of those people who I made fun of before I knew what it was like. How could I possibly care what I look like if I have a human growing inside of me? But it’s really how rickety I feel. And how much I hate noticing it, instead of being in a constant state of euphoria about the little bean in my belly.

Monthly Horoscopes April 2010

Aries (March 21-April 19): Your prison boyfriend really appreciates your letters, even if he doesn’t say as much.

 

Taurus (April 20-May 20): After a new hair cut, a co-worker will say “Nice haircut”. You will wonder if the comment was sincere or sarcastic.

 

Gemini (May 21-June 21): The batteries in your remote controller will die. You will be too lazy to go across the street to Walgreens and replace them for a week. Instead, you will read a book.

 

Cancer (June 22-July 22): You will secretly go to Al’s Italian Beef after telling everyone you’re on a diet. Once there, you will win a free lunch for your office. You will agonize about what to do.

 

Leo (July 23-August 22): The boss will give you several assignments that you will complete diligently and accurately. The boss will never ask for the completed work, and when you get fed up and put it on his desk, he won’t look at it. You will want revenge but decide to let it go. Don’t worry, it’s not you, it’s him.

 

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Your gambling addict friend will ask you for $200 for “a sure thing”. The thing is not sure and you know it, but you’re afraid to say no. Beat him to the punch by borrowing $200 before he asks.

 

Libra (September 23-October 23): The Jimmy Johns near your house serves old meat. That’s why you’re always the only person in there.

 

Scorpio (October 24-November 21): The music on your iPod is terrible.

 

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Your soon-to-be mother-in-law is going to offer you diction classes for a wedding gift. She likes you a lot, she just hates your Minnesota accent. Accept the classes with a smile- they are fully refundable for cash.

 

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): You will finally wash your sheets, but the dryer you choose will be broken. Try dryer number 5 instead.

 

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): You will forget to lock the backroom door at work and your new assistant will walk in on you while you’re on the toilet reading a Twilight book.

 

Pisces (February 19-March 20): You are just overtired. Take a nap.

TV Acts As A Wake Up Call – Monday April 5th

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Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

Now that you’ve revealed your identity, can we still seek your advice? I hope so, because I don’t know where else to go.

 

I have been watching the A&E series Hoarders and I’m starting to get worried. What if I am a Hoarder? I mean my house doesn’t look bad, but I do have a lot of collections. Like I collect spoons, old radios, Beanie Babies, baseball cards, snow globes and exotic hot sauces. So far I think I have them arranged in a pretty cool way, but the show is making me second guess myself.

 

What do you think? Should I be worried?

 

Signed,
Collector for Fun and Money

 

Dear Collector,
Yes! Although I am now a real person, I still hunger for opportunities to give advice. I’m thankful that you reached out to me. Please always consider Poor Lucky Me your safe place.

 

Based on your list of collections and the emotions that Hoarders has stirred up, I would recommend making an appointment with a therapist. Bring photos. Hopefully they’ll say you have nothing to worry about. If they say that you do have something to worry about, it’s better to know now then sit around polishing your spoons and worrying. One of the many great things about being human is that we have so many opportunities to break patterns and better ourselves. You should never be without hope.

 

That being said, did anyone really ever make money off of collecting Beanie Babies? I remember when everyone was snatching them up like they were under-valued gold bullion, but I just assumed that left millions of Beanie Babies stuffed in people’s basements all across America. I worked at this pharmacy after school in 9th grade and the elderly would stampede into the store every month when the new shipment of Beanie Babies arrived. It was like the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan show, but for old people. Exotic Hot Sauces sound cool though. I’d buy that.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

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