Monthly Horoscopes May 2010
Aries (March 21-April 19): Your girlfriend is going to find out you love Lady Gaga. At first you will both think it’s a cute thing you share but you’ll quickly grow suspicious of each other. Neither of you will be able to shake the feeling that there’s something wrong with the other person for liking that annoying awful music.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Your problem isn’t work or your relationship or your crappy car. It’s doughnut holes.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): Tuesday is not a good day to ride your bike to work. Your pants are going to get caught in the chain and show your ass-crack just as you pedal past the girl at work who you want to ask out.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): At your friend’s home in Wisconsin you will see a bat and become convinced that it is going to fly into your hair. It will not, but the very idea of bat-hair will haunt your trip.
Leo (July 23-August 22): You’re not the only person watching porno at work but be careful- you’re the most likely person to get fired for it.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): “I forgot” isn’t really a great excuse after the age of 15. Why don’t you invest in a pocket calender? Or use the calender in your cell phone? Or use a pen and a pad of paper?
Libra (September 23-October 23): Your friends don’t know how to tell you this…but you’re an awful drunk. They like you after two drinks, but once you black out you’re just too heavy to haul around.
Scorpio (October 24-November 21): Your suspicions about the cult you recently joined are correct.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): There’s a spider in your Caesar salad.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): The reason people don’t act impressed when you tell them how much money you make is that they don’t believe you. If you want to impress people, act coy about your salary but always pick up the check.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): The man at the coffee shop has been giving you the wrong change for two months hoping you’ll come back and talk to him.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Your relentlessly upbeat Facebook updates are not fooling anyone. But they are annoying everyone.
