Tom and I went to our first support group meeting last night. It was over two hours long. It was equally helpful and fucking awful. The thing is, I know I’m going to “get through” this. I know I’ll feel better someday.
If I were in danger of closing the drapes and becoming a heroine addict it would’ve have happened already. Plus, Tom won’t let me. Plus I talk on the phone to my mom ten times a day and she’d totally figure it out. Plus, I’m a fucking human for god’s sake. I’m of the species that builds skyscrapers and sends people into outer space. I trust my brain.
The real problem isn’t learning how to get over the loss, it’s coming to terms with the fact that Tommy Jr is gone. Forever. That is not going to change, no matter how sad or happy I act.
That fact explains my current attempts to act out. My boss is concerned because I want to dye my hair blond. She’s intervening by sending me to a fancy hair colorists who will likely talk my out of my big plan.
The truth is I would do anything not to be this person. I would dye my hair, lose 40 pounds, get radical reconstructive surgery and shock treatments and move to New Mexico. I can’t be this person. This person who’s baby died. This person who ruined her little family. Who made her husband a childless father. Who disappointed four of the dearest parents who desperately wanted a grandchild. This person who has saggy breasts and rubs Bio oil on her stretch marks while crying and who still has to wear maternity jeans but has no baby in her arms.
I know I’ll get a lot of comments for writing what I just wrote. I know it’s not logical or factual, it’s just how I feel. I feel like my body ruined our lives.
On a positive note (aren’t you glad you read this far down) I’ve started feeling Tommy around. It happened a couple nights ago, I could just tell he was near. And last night I woke up at 4 a.m. and couldn’t fall back asleep, but I didn’t mind because I could feel him. So I talked to him a little, told him some stories, and smiled a little. You have to take what you can get when some one passes away. If Tommy couldn’t stay here with me, but will visit me once in while in the dark when I’m half asleep…well I’m grateful for that.
I’ve been following another blog of a first-time mom whose daughter was born at 6 months’ gestation while they were in Thailand, helping at an orphange, I think it was…. If you are interested in checking it out, here’s the link…http://rustylynette.blogspot.com/
I feel for your pain because I know when I miscarried, I didn’t want to be the me who had lost a baby. I didn’t want the sadness, the heavy-hearted, restless, down person I had become to be the me I sat with every day.
Being able to feel Tommy around is a good thing in my books. It means you are getting to ‘sit with’ him and with the you who birthed him….. if that makes any sense at all.
wishing you all the best
Tommy is your little angel watching over you and Tom.
Dear Heather and Tom, We think of you so often, and send so many prayers to you. We have been away for awhile and just began reading your blog. Please just know we surround you with love, we care so much for you and wish we could help with your pain. Thank you for your writing and sharing, Love, Sue and Joe Scanlon
I have been sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way, but no comments, because what can I say besides, “I am so sorry.” Well, today I just wanted to say, “Why not dye your hair blond?”
Heather and Tom,
My name is Lindsey and I took care of you in Labor and Delivery for your c-section. I have been wondering how you guys were doing and I just found out today about your loss. I am so very sorry to hear about your sweet little boy. You and your family are in my prayers.
Lindsey
Please don’t dye your hair. Brunettes are where it’s at. Everyone knows that, even your husband. Imagine if the dye seeps into your brain. It could ruin your writing.
Brunettes are smart and classy and blondes, well, blondes are different than brunettes.
In lieu of dying your hair, I suggest getting a tattoo of a freckle. It will change you just enough so that you are a different person than yesterday.
Love ya
Heather,
I am so sorry for your loss.
You don’t know me and you don’t know this person,(actually I don’t know her either, she’s a friend of a friend).
They just passed the one year anniversary of losing their son.
Her blog may speak some comfort to you.
http://www.thisonetime-samantha.blogspot.com/
Blessings and much peace to you.
First off – man do I know where you are coming from. I’m not the one to talk you out of changing things up as I am the girl who just dyed her hair purple after this last loss! If you wanna go blonde…do it. I have to agree with the above commenter though that brunettes will always rule the world
Being the deadbabymom sucks ass. There are no two ways about it. I hate my body so often. I apologise to my partner every day for “killing” our babies. It’s not logical, or rational, it’s purely emotional. But I hope that deep down you understand that there is nothing you could have done…and that your body is an amazing creation that can do amazing things. I have to remind myself of that pretty often.
I hope you feel Tommy close to you always.