Well Tom and I both made it at least for a few hours. I was dreading it, but I wasn’t prepared for how bad it really was. It wasn’t the work part- that’s the easiest part. It wasn’t seeing my co-workers, that was a positive part. It was just being apart from Tom Sr, and being back at the place where it all started. I had to take deep breaths the whole walk to work. Our little office was so haunting and the over-airfreshened air in the bathroom made me burst into fresh tears. I know it’ll be a little easier tomorrow, and it’ll just continue to get a little better everyday.
My motto for this blog (and at my best- in my life) is “Everything will be ok”. I feel so silly about that now. I feel naive for ever saying that, even preaching it, and making little rings that had the motto stamped around them. It makes me want to sneer at myself. I feel bad for thinking that, and for writing it here. But this event in our lives, it will never be ok.
Tom and I will heal, and we’ll move on in a way I think, but Tommy Jr will always be gone. Hopefully someday I’ll reread this and realize some way that it is ok, then I’ll dazzle you all with how much I’ve grow spiritually and emotionally through this joy and trauma.
Right now though, I feel like I’ve changed, and the person I’ve become is my 16 year old self. I’m all fragile and bitter and impatient and self-centered and aggressive- when I’m not sleeping for hours in the middle of the day.
I’m already dazzled by you dear.
Just wanted to remind you that your teenage self is to this day, one of my favorite all time people…