Last night I finally cried again. I cried until I felt human, until I felt like a mother. I had to trust myself when it started, because it felt like I was never going to get control back. But once it was over I was glad, and I felt like myself again. Not my old self, but the new person I’m becoming.
Also of note: I have started my annual fake tan debacle. In case you couldn’t figure it out, that’s when every year I try and use sunless tanner to save people from having to hide their eyes from my bluish-white legs when I wear a skirt.
Many sunless tanners claim to be “easy to use” or “streak free” or “so easy even a monkey could use it” but my experience has been mixed to bad. Having only the energy to slather up my arms and legs, but none of the precision to do my feet or hands, I just end up looking like I rolled in dirt. There are swirls of rust color all along my body, including my neck (I itched myself and forgot to wipe the lotion off) my boobs (I must have rubbed an arm against a boob at some point) and my cuticles.
The good news about the self-tanning extravaganza is that I have not lost interest in my appearance. The bad news is that my interest in my appearance isn’t high enough to pull off actually looking good. Or even decent.
I am not great with big words but I think I know what decent means and I must disagree with your last statement. I’ve seen you and you look great!
Self-tanner is hard to apply, no matter what! This year I’m hitting it hard for the first time…I’ve only used Neutrogena no rub tanning mist (I wanted to try L’Oreal Sublime No Rub Mist because it was highly recommended in US Weekly and I’m a sucker for celebrity endorsements, but its never in stock when I go to buy it). I’ve definitely been a little streaky and need to work on my application, but I’m curious about trying a lotion….Is that what you use? Which do you recommend?
I’m not usually a commenter, but I appreciated all the facets of this post. I am also terrible at applying self-tanner. I highly recommend getting a salon lady to airbrush you with spray tan to get your fake tan base started. That being said, I am sure you look lovely and I am really looking forward to seeing you next week. I promise I won’t look at your palms and ankles. I will just compliment you on your golden glow.
I remember seeing an advert for a new mascara and noting with some concern (and a little bit of amusement) that yes, I was still interested in such things. Even though my daughter had died, the person who was obsessed with mascara was still in there somewhere. Or rather that part of me was still there, mixed up in this whole new person that I was becoming. As you describe so well.
I’ve rubbish at applying fake tan. I always give myself orange palms so I just wear trousers all the time.
It’s hard to trust yourself enough to cry but, I think, it does help?