It’s getting close to the time…the time I’ve been dreading since the shock of Tommy’s death started to fade and reality set in. Soon people will be impatient with our grief. Already I try to tuck myself out of the way when I cry. I don’t want anyone to be exasperated, even fleetingly. For as many times as I’ve heard the well-intentioned “take your time” I know better. So few people understand the hollow ache. It’s not the right thing to say because it’s another miserable aspect of loss, but it’s the truth: it’s getting close to the time.
This weekend Tom Sr. graduated. Watching him walk across the stage in his purple robe and his cum laude tassels was so moving. I am so proud of Tom’s hard work and accomplishments. After the ceremony we celebrated and for a few hours I felt like myself again. I was a little bit heavier hearted, but I recognized myself and it was a relief.
Maybe it’s not a coincidence that these two events are coinciding. I suppose that as we speed into the future, fewer and fewer people can tolerate me trying to linger in the past. I have to remember that Tommy Jr is part of my present. That’s the only way I can continue to breathe.
{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}
Oh man, I know what you mean about people getting impatient with our grieving. I feel like 6 weeks is like magical cut-off in people’s minds. Like “okay, it’s been 6 weeks, time to snap out of it and be your normal self again!” It is does not work that way. I have gotten quite good at faking it around people by now, but inside I am still so sad and all the faking takes a lot of energy.
I like what you said about Tommy Jr. being a part of your present. So beautiful and so true.
Thinking of you.
The wounds haven’t even completely healed physically, so I would assume that the mental/emotional will take who knows how long? And who cares how long? And who’s business is it? It’s yours. The impatient ones are the ones who have never suffered a loss like this one. This one is unique. This one is special. This one is yours. As is your time. So, take it. Take your time to grieve. Take whatever you need. You have given all you have. Time is yours to be taken.
On your side,
I completely agree with Kristin and Nathan. And here’s another {{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}!!!!!!!!!
I believe that Tommy Jr is a part of your present. He is your son, you are his mother, nothing can ever change that.
It is a very difficult time. I don’t think I had your self awareness and I did drive quite a few people to exasperation. Sadly, that famous McCracken quote, that grief lasts longer than sympathy, is true. I used to think that quote sounded bitter but now. . . I think it’s just true. Not a judgement on my own lack of sympathy for others, not a judgement on others for not having ‘enough’ sympathy for me. Just a fact.
I don’t think there is a time frame, grieving (perhaps particularly for a child? I don’t know) doesn’t follow a neat linear pattern. It does change but it may not necessarily follow the tidy progression and completion that some folk seem to expect. I know it is hard but please don’t let others put pressure on you to speed up or to slow down. I don’t think you should be made to feel like that. Tommy is your son and you know how to mourn for him. Do it your own way because it is the right way. xo