Well it turns out that resuming smoking is going better than I originally thought. I’m not terribly pleased by this but I could’ve done worse by this point.
Tom and I are going to try to go back to work tomorrow. I’m scared.
I’m so scared in fact, that I’ve been looking into reality TV shows as a life alternative. I ruled out Shear Genius and Project Runway, but the Amazing Race and The Alaska Project are still options. We could do them as a couple and it would be slightly less alarming to our families than my other ideas: moving to a hobby farm, doing heroin (just sniffing it, not shooting up), being unemployed.
Work is scary for a lot of reasons, but here are the main ones:
1) I have to go back and sit in the chair that I sat in while I had contractions alone for five fucking hours, pretending that it was anything other than five hours of contractions. While sitting there, I will have to find a non-narcotic way to stop myself from saying (outlet and internally) WHY DIDN’T I JUST GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
2) A big part of my job is calling people and chit-chatting with them. I am very afraid to make small talk with people. I don’t want to scare them by bursting into tears but I don’t want to be weird and refuse to talk about it. I know I should “do what feels right’ but what if I feel differently all the time?
3) I think I will probably slip right back into the routine of it and the next thing I know six months will have gone by. I’m afraid for this to be over. I know that there will never be another time where it’s ok for Tom and I to be home together all day, crying and sleeping and whispering memories.
It’s like the weeks after Tommy was gone, we all still had these weeks of family time. Even though one of us wasn’t physically present. When we go back to work a new thing will be broken. This fragile little ghost family will get burst like a bubble. Soon I’ll be complaining about stupid shit again and trying to lose weight and buying birthday cards.
Well I could have written most of this myself. There is one thing that never fails to amaze me and that is how alike the feelings are of a mother after she loses a child.
I was terrified to leave the bubble that we created at home after our son died. And you are right, it is never again ok to lie around all day and all night, crying intermittently and sleeping when you can. I would go back to the days after my boy died in a heartbeat if I could, it is the time I still felt closest to him, and it was ok to ignore the outside world and just be nothing.
I am so very sorry for the death of your little one. Nothing compares to the heartbreak. But I will tell you, that time does dull the pain. Most of the time.
All love and peace to you
It will be okay tomorrow. Your strength will carry over to this next stage: returning to work. I think now you can request a new chair. A super expensive reaaallly comfortable one.
Hang in there dear blogger.
good luck today!
Thinking of you today, my friend. xoxo