More of the Same – Thursday October 28th

I’m having a tough week. Not soooo tough, I just feel kind of hard-edged. I feel like one of those Lego guys, all plastic and square. It’s hard to not default to drinking booze when I feel like this. Drinking, although it’s effects are unpredictable, can help put my skin back on. But I can’t be on a constant diet, have my life completely open on a blog, and get drunk all the time. So, I’m trying other things.

I think that the pills are making a big impact too. It’s harder for me to write, but the violent depression is gone. It’s still a struggle, but now my brain will tune in and remind me that these episodes will pass. If I can grasp at that concept when I’m really really sad (I can’t always get it) it usually just takes a walk with Tom and Ramona to snap me out of it.

That being said, I still feel so disconnected to the person I used to be. I wish so many things, but today I wish that the people in my life understood that I’m not the same anymore. The new me is a lot like the old me, it’s still certainly looks like me and sounds like me and cracks jokes like me, but it’s different. Actually I’m usually surprised to see myself in the mirror, looking just like myself. I always expect to look radically different.

I realized recently that the whole month of December might prove to be a challenge. The date we conceived, the date I got a positive pregnancy test, the date we told our families, stupid Christmas. You think when you suffer a tragedy that things will slowly get better. You think that as time passes your heart will heal a little more everyday. Really what happens is that just when you think you’re getting somewhere normal, you get hit in the face with a date, or an item of clothing, or any other little thing that you would never have guessed would just wipe you out.

What a charmed life I led before. I’m so lucky that I had no idea about any of this until the roof caved in.