Just Thinking- Tuesday December 7th

I continue to defy the dictatorship of my refrigerator. “Fresh Produce” screams when I chuck a baggie of liquor store salami in the drawer. I am arrested and accused of subversion when I fill the egg compartment with condiments and cheese husks. I do not show up to testify- instead I send a letter through my lawyer that I don’t respect the jurisdiction of their court since I don’t recognize the arbitrary and oppressive government of the refrigerator. My ancestors fought wars to protect me against such organizational impositions. Crisper indeed! I reserve the right to fill that drawer with beers and limes.


In a bold political move I abstain from cleaning the refrigerator. It is helpless to retaliate as its innards fill with the noxious fumes of the birth of a micro-universe. I come home every night and smile smugly as I hear the refrigerator battle the pulsing, expanding colony of organisms. The post-food multiplies quickly and successive generations are stronger, wilier, more manipulative. What used to be the milk founds a fire-and-brimestone-style church and converts the Produce Drawer. I have to surrender my apartment to the on-going war between good and evil; dictator and guerilla rebels; refrigerator and mold (and exploded yogurt containers and rotten eggs, etc). When some one on the elevator jokes about the “Smelly 9th Floor” I laugh nervously and implicate the couple down the hall with an eye roll.


The war itself becomes oppressive. What began as an assertion of my rights- both as a human and an appliance user- now drags on as both sides recreate a culture of war.


In the end I buy a spray bottle of Kaboom- it is amazing! I decimated the post-food universe and regained control of the refrigerator in less than an hour. In 50 minutes the epic battle was just a memory- a mystery to the other residents of the 9th floor. But at that moment, the crumbs at the bottom of the toaster began to organize…

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  1. tina says:

    LOVE this post. if you say you can’t write on antidepressants i say you just weren’t trying hard enough. this is fantastic.

  2. Sarah says:

    Tina beat me to it. I wanted to be one to comment with an all-caps “LOVE” on this post! You’re freakin’ talented my dear. My favorite part: “both as a human and an appliance user.” So funny!

  3. Sam says:

    Simply hilarious!

  4. Kathy Miller says:

    OMG…you are so talented! I LOVED this post too! Thank you for sending me your address. You need to be writing a book. I loved the cliffhanger ending with the toaster crumbs organizing. :) Keep writing.

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