It’s taken me a while to write the details because I have so many conflicting emotions. Then yesterday I had a great talk with a friend who convinced me to stop being cautiously optimistic and start being hopeful. I have to visualize this baby making it to 37 weeks and being born all fat and happy and healthy. Not getting my hopes up (keeping my hopes down?) isn’t going to protect my heart if something happens, it’s going to get in the way of me enjoying being pregnant. So that’s the end of that.
Most of the conflicting emotions are too obvious to bother writing down. There are a couple of issues though, that people might not realize are coming up.
First of all, and most frustrating, is that many of my loved ones can’t seem to help but think I’m now cured of my sadness. I understand the sentiment, I know it’s been terribly difficult to watch me struggle this past year. I am overjoyed to be pregnant again, but it does not detract one iota from the sadness and longing I’ll always have for Tommy Jr. I’ll always have one less child then I’m supposed to. My broken heart has healed a lot because I was surrounded by love and support, because people propped me up when I couldn’t muster my own courage, and because I worked really really hard. But the new pregnancy doesn’t dilute my feelings about the last one.
Second of all, I’ve already had some one ask if this was my first pregnancy. I think that’s a weird question to begin with…what’s the difference? But it presents me with an awkward choice. Either I spare the person and say yes, which I don’t like to do because I want to acknowledge my son, or I drop the bomb. The first time someone asked I said, “This is my second pregnancy, the first one is a sad story”. I think is the best I can do. I know sometimes I’ll be in a bad mood and drop the bomb because I get annoyed that people ask such thoughtless questions. But on my good days I know that thoughtless questions are usually innocent and always forgivable.
Remember when I wrote that post about being wrong and how I wasn’t pregnant? My math was just off- I was testing the wrong week. In fact I felt so pregnant that then I thought I was having a hysterical pregnancy. When we were finally positive, I had an actual panic attack. We got pregnant the first try! I thought I would have more time to prepare. A few minutes of deep breathing later and I decided that this was just meant to be. And I don’t even believe in that. I spent two days telling Tom “I TOLD YOU” and laughing. This pregnancy has been different too, which I’m sort of relieved about. I feel happily nauseous and exhausted and crabby and fat. And I love every minute of it…even when I’m complainering.
There is nothing more frustrating than finally being pregnant after a loss and having everyone in your life breathe a collective sigh of relief and practically say “Phew! Thank god that’s over and she’s all fixed now”. *shakes fist at everyone who ever reacted that way*
I had that too. I responded by sulking and being a pain in the ass until they realised it didn’t make me “better”, just more hormonal
Secondly – drop the bomb. It gets easier the more times you do it. It’s especially fun to drop on someone who annoys you with their perkiness. Wipes it right off their face. Did that sound bitter? *shrug* probably.
I hope your pregnancy continues to go along swimmingly and ends with a fat little healthy baby at the end of it.
xxxxx
I love Suzy’s post to you. As for fear and disbelief that this can be okay- perfectly undeniably normal. I spent so much time with my rented doppler, checking the heartbeat over and over, that Darrell was convinced Riley would be born being able to tell the weather. And on off days I’d be at the doctor having him sono me- I must have been in there asking for a picture once a week and thankfully, given my looses, he obliged. You’ll find a way to manage your fears as well as managing the people around you- and when you can’t, ask for help and understanding. I think too often we expect others to know what to say and what to do- even those closest. Tell them flat out what you need and when to zip it. This is your time. Give yourself permission to own it and to be selfish. xx
xoxoxo I thought I remembered you saying before that math wasn’t your strongest skill – I guess you were right! Or is my memory wrong? Or both? ANYWAY – just remember: Leslie Ann is a BEAUTIFUL name for a girl! Baaaaahaaaaahaaaa!!! No, seriously…it is!!! Lessssssssslie Ann, not Lezlie Ann. Have a good day!
I LOVE this: “Not getting my hopes up (keeping my hopes down?) isn’t going to protect my heart if something happens, it’s going to get in the way of me enjoying being pregnant.”
I just love your honesty.
xo
I’m so happy to hear your news. I have admired your strength and honesty , and have even suggested your blog to a friend who suffered a loss like you and Tom.
xoxo
Your post made me think of something that happened a few years back. After two miscarriages, I was pregnant with twins. At the end of the first trimester, my cousins sat me down to give me some baby presents. I opened the first card and began to SOB for half an hour. I felt guilty for celebrating new lives while the two previous babies never got any presents. And I was so afraid to be optimistic so early in the pregnancy. They put the presents away, and I opened them a few months later. I also dopplered the heck out of my big belly throughout the pregnancy. I would cry before I got sonograms, because I was always so afraid. My doctor told me – this is a time to be happy, but it was very hard for me. I was constantly asked, “do twins run in your family?” The real answer was, “No, I am pregnant with twins after years of trying, shooting myself with hormones, several distinctly non-sexy procedures, and some major heartbreaks.” Depending on my mood – I said I had some chemical help, or I just lied and said yes. (Actually there are twins in my extended family – if you count those to whom I am related by marriage
I’m so very happy that you are pregnant, but I’m sure that doesn’t take away the sadness you feel over Tommy Jr. It’s only been a year, that is not much time at all. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you to have lived through (and still be living through) what you did. My situation is different, I lost my little brother who I was living with at the time and was extremely close to…I felt like he was the only one in the world who ‘got’ me and loved me exactly as I was…he’s been gone 6 years now and I have been amazed over that time how people just don’t understand at all how grief works.
All I can say is I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. Wish you peace. And so glad you are trying to be happy with this new pregnancy.
xoxo
I am so very sorry to read about your loss but I’m so glad to hear about your new pregnancy. It is funny the things that you become emotionally invested in when you lose someone. {{{Hugs}}} and I hope this pregnancy is smooth sailing.
ICLW #6
I too am pregnant again after losing my son at 25 weeks and it is very hard to figure out how to proceed. I have been asked several times “Is this your first” and struggle exactly like you. I know it will never stop as the question will hit me for the rest of my life. If I am lucky enough for this child to survive, I will then get, “How many kids do you have”. I know they are not trying to be rude or thoughtless but having gone through this, it just feels that way.