Current State- Thursday June 23rd

I don’t have very much to write these days. I feel like I’m not feeling any of the right feelings, which I know is the wrong way to feel. I wake up tired, perk up slightly during my mid-morning panic, rage a little during my pre-lunch blood sugar dip, scarf down food I wish was healthier, combat post lunch sleepiness with another round of panic, have a short bout of hysterical laughter and or joy, with the day was over, get depressed when it is, go home, eat again, lay on the couch wishing I could go to sleep, go to bed and stare at the ceiling in a panic.

Basically, I’ve been doing a lot of feeling and not a lot of constructive thinking. Except when I’m really tired, then I remember things, which tends to make me sad. I also spend a decent amount of time annoyed that I’m sober, and horrified that I’m annoyed that I’m sober.

Last pregnancy it was much easier for me to socialize with my friends. This time I feel safer hidden in my apartment. I don’t want to come out until I’m holding a baby.

Today I have a first trimester screening. Two weeks from now I get my cervical cerclage. I’m starting to feel the tickle of fear about the procedure: everything is getting very real. I’m still not scared that something will go wrong, but that I won’t be able to handle it when everything goes right.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...


  1. Sue says:

    Everything you’re feeling is totally normal. No joke- after 3 losses I rented a doppler with Riley and spent more time listening to her heart beating than any obgyn ever could. Darrell thought she’d come out forecasting the weather. Being tangled up became the new normal for me and I’m not sure I thought I would straighten out to function normally when I actually had a baby in my arms. I personally think that having a baby puts a little weight on the soles of your feet and keeps you grounded even when stuff feels out of control. You’re going to make one hell of a great momma. xx

  2. Marilyn says:

    The thing is that what you’re feeling isn’t what you felt the last time you were pregnant. What no one prepares you for is that a new pregnancy won’t feel the same after a loss as pregnancy, blissfully naive did.v. So what you’re feeling is actually totally ‘normal’ given what you’ve gone through!!!
    I spent the first trimester of our first successful pregnancy in a fog of fatigue, worry and anxiety. It was almost as though I was waiting, waiting, waiting…. waiting for a doctor’s appt, waiting for a doppler check, waiting for a bloodtest, waiting for an ultrasound, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting…….it was stress-inducing to be sure. I was afraid to talk about having the baby, plan for the baby, or do anything that other mothers-to-be were doing. It was as though I was trying to protect myself from feeling, well, anything! I had enough highs and lows to last me for a while, and I was waiting to see if/when a baby would be born to let myself enjoy the moment without anxiety. When it wasn’t anxiety about whether the baby would be okay, it was anxiety about me being able to be a mom…..
    If it all feels too overwhelming to function at some point, be sure to talk to your doctor and keep the doctor involved in how you’re doing emotionally. They can help in various ways, depending on the source of your feelings.
    Hang in there!!!!! Stay as distracted as you can……

  3. Leslie Ann says:

    xoxooxooooxoox You are doing fine – I’m sure of it!!!! You will be an excellent mother, too! Happy Friday from your blog-stalking friend.

  4. Cathleen says:

    I wish I could hide out this entire pregnancy too. I just don’t want anyone to know. It’s starting to become obvious as my once slender frame is no longer slender but I still keep tight lipped. Hang in there.

  5. Suzy says:

    Well you just described an average day to me too (including the hankering to be hammered and therefore blissfully unaware). So if you figure out a way to normalise, help a sister out and pass it on? Because as far as I can see this is how things are going to roll for awhile.

    I hope this pregnancy is boring as hell for you and that everything does, in fact, go right.

  6. Suzy says:

    an average day *for* me too.

    Cannot type to save my life today
    (^^ that sentence alone had three spelling errors *headdesk*)

Speak Your Mind