Calm Panic – Wednesday July 20th

I have my 16 week doctor’s appointment tomorrow. In anticipation of the appointment, I’m certain that something has gone terribly wrong. With a resigned detachment, I feel sure that the baby has died, or that the soreness in my legs is a life-threatening infection, or that there never was a baby in there and I’m just growing a huge tumor in my belly.

I think: “Well the baby has probably died, so maybe we should extend our lease after all.” Is that healthy detachment or delusional detachment?

Everything is probably fine, except it’s probably not.

Every night before I fall asleep I beg my baby to come to me in a dream and tell me everything is ok. Instead I dream about conflicts at work, or being a bike messenger and getting a flat tire and having no idea how to change it. I think I would feel more hopeful if I dreamed about this little baby.

I wonder what it’s like to be a normal baby-maker.

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  1. Leslie Ann says:

    I hear yuh…What time is your appointment? Will Tom be able to go with you? Please check in ASAP to let your avid readers know everything is GREAT!!!
    HUGE HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LA

  2. Tomas says:

    I think this may help with the bike issue.

    Unfortunately, I do not know how to make a sure-to-be-healthy baby get your attention in a dream.

  3. Catherine W says:

    In my subsequent pregnancy I felt like this before every single appointment. That something would have gone wrong. That there was nothing there at all.

    I don’t know how to draw the line between healthy and delusional. Perhaps all reactions are just a variant on by any means necessary. I went for the ‘stick my fingers in eye ears, close my eyes and pretend this isn’t happening’ route.

    I’d love to tell you that everything will 100% fine but we’d both know that I was lying. But, as a fellow blogger said to me, “whilst there are no guarantees, it is worth bearing in mind that most babies live.” It’s true. I used that as a kind of mantra during my pregnancy. It does, generally, work out just fine.

    Good luck, from one non-normal-baby-maker to another xo

  4. Leslie Ann says:

    Thinking of you and praying for y’all!!! From another non-normal-baby-maker…

  5. Cathleen says:

    I was convinced something was wrong before I went in at 18 weeks the other day. I started eating candy like crazy at 6am just to get him to start moving around. Finally by 8am I felt a couple small kicks that put my mind at ease a bit but still. Every day is a struggle. I kinda want to invest in a doppler before I go insane, but then that might make me neurotic :-) . AHHHH!

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