I have to make a couple of confessions. First of all, I just realized that I didn’t know Thanksgiving was on the fourth Thursday of every November. I actually thought it was November 28th. So it’s a total surprise to me every year when Thanksgiving isn’t on the 28th. Likewise, I don’t know the exact date of Christmas day. Is it the 24th? 25th? 26th? I know it’s right around there, but I wouldn’t put money on any one date. I just don’t know for sure.
Making these minor confessions makes me feel more confident when I tell you that I am just not properly excited for this baby to arrive. I don’t know what I feel, other than feeling like this part of my pregnancy could be a plot line written for the Miranda character on Sex in the City. Wait- there’s another confession- I don’t know if the name of the show is Sex And the City or Sex in the City despite going to the theater to watch both movies. I have a few “hilarious” quips for when people ask me if I’m excited, and sometimes when the house is quiet and I’m in bed trying to sleep I rub my belly and smile happily. But for the most part, I’m scared. Like, I’m seriously f*cking scared.
Luckily, I know a secret. It’s a very important secret that I cling to all the time, and I’m going to share it with you now:
The anticipation is always worse than the event you dread.
Worrying and fretting and obsessing don’t actually get you any closer to finishing anything. But once you’re finally just in the reality you’ve been afraid of, and your adrenaline is going and you are surviving, you realize it’s not that bad. Even when it’s really really bad, like having surgery while you’re awake, or trying on bathing suits.
In my case, I’m not even really sure what I’m so afraid of. I mean, having the baby be stillborn is still enough of a risk with my gestation diabetes that I can worry about that when I don’t feel her little punches and hiccups. That takes up a lot of my energy. I know I’m afraid of being patient with the baby, and with Tom, and with myself. I’m afraid of saying goodbye to my old life, especially since over the past year and a half I felt so far away from almost everything I cared about.
Writing it out like this makes me feel better that I don’t have the right thing to say to people asking me if I’m excited. I am excited, I’m just so busy anticipating that I lose sight of why I took this leap of faith in the first place. The reason, of course, was to make a miniature Tom who can’t escape my hugs and kisses with his excuses of having to “work” or “go to sleep” or “take a shower”. Er, I mean…did that sound a little too honest? I mean to say the normal reason that normal people have children. Please insert that reason here_____________.
I don’t exactly know how to live in the moment, but I know how to distinguish the anguish of anticipation from an upcoming reality. I’ve got two weeks to go. Two weeks that I can spend in excited anticipation as long as I remember that once I’m in combat, I’ll be able to figure out what I’m supposed to do.
And while we’re talking about secrets, I should probably tell you one more. When you ask some one how they’re feeling, and they tell you that they’re worrying or scared, they don’t want you to cheer them up or give them a pep talk. They don’t need you to point out that they’re being irrational or where the silver lining is. They don’t want you to scoff at their fears or try and solve their problems.
They want you to say this: “Ugh that is scary” or “That’s sucks!” or “I hate that for you”. No one will tell you that, but it’s the truth.
The normal reason that normal people have children..hmm..the path of least resistance I think. It’s what they’re “supposed” to do. It’s what comes next. What most of us dont realize until we do however, is that we’ve never known true love until we fall madly in love with our babies. Whether that’s in vitro as you did with Tommy jr or with your daughter, or once they’re in your arms, your home, your life. And I can tell you first hand that this love is crippling at times. It fills you up and brims over to the point of you wanting to vomit. And the realization when your baby gets sick and does throw up all over you, but is clinging to you for comfort so there’s no where to go but hold on tight despite how profoundly disgusting you feel, or the joy you feel when your baby learns something new right before your eyes every single day- it’s all so internal for you- a feeling you surrender to because you have no other choice. This said- I’m going to share a secret with you that few might share- you might hate your new life for the first 3 months. You’ll question what you’ve done to turn your entire reality upside down and you’ll feel more out of control than ever. Routines will be next to impossible, consistency will be out the window, you’ll be sleep deprived an lonely at times for adult interaction. Oh yeah- you might also hate Tom Sr. for a while- so be prepared. It’s part of the adjustment. I had a mantra when Riley was born- I might not be the best mother, but I’m the best mother for MY baby. And so will you be.
Such lovely lovely words Sue, thank you. It’s those first three months I’m most afraid of…then I’m afraid of not appreciating them! I hope this is the most neurotic I’ll ever be. I told Tom he has to be the rock now, and I’ll take over when she starts dating. xo
Well said, Sue!! :0) I was not “properly excited” with my baby girl #1. It was more like the “wait and see how it goes,” try to remain calm, hope and pray this baby comes out alive and then what??? Good damn thing my wonderful husband (aka Mr. Wonderful) had LOTS of experience with babies!!! However, with baby girl #2, I was very excited because I knew more what to expect and I felt I was basically ready. I didn’t worry nearly as much (’cause I had a 2 year old hugging my legs, etc.). There was a huge winter storm and we had no electric for 4 days and stayed at my sister-in-law’s house (a mile away and they had electric). I ate homemade chocolate chip cookies – dipped in butter!!! – and I tried to relax and rest and I just prayed I didn’t have the baby yet (I was 2 weeks away!), since we had no electric and it was an icy mess outside!!! You will be a great Mom!!!! You have a loving husband and partner; you have a close, loving family. Try to keep smiling and thinking positive (I’m NOT trying to cheer you up!!!)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xxoxoxoxoxxoxo
Ok PHEW! Thanks Leslie Ann, the most comforting thing about barfing up all my weird feelings on this blog is getting the validation that my feelings actually aren’t that weird at all!
You’re the best…I love how honest you are.
All this IS scary. And I’m so with you about hating that when you try to tell people about it they try to gloss over it or cheer you up or tell you it’s irrational for you to be feeling the way you feel. I just want it to be OK to feel what I feel, AND to feel like I’m not the only one in the whole world who isn’t going “Yay! Pregnancy! It’s perfect and beautiful and all my dreams are coming true and there’s not one single potential negative or scary thing about it!” Why are we all expected to be like that?
Like yesterday with my mom, who is generally wonderful…I was telling her I’m scared this pregnancy could end in stillbirth and all she kept saying over and over was “Positive thinking! You’ve got to think positive! That’s what ‘s going to keep these babies safe and healthy!” So not helpful…because to me that means if something goes wrong it’s my fault for not being upbeat enough…
My best friend, on the other hand, always listens and simply says “You’re so brave to be going through all this…” It’s the perfect thing to say.
Sorry for rambling on…this has been on my mind…
Excited you’re getting so close to meeting your little one…