It’s almost baby time and I’m going through that emotion where you’re mourning for something that you still have. Like the last couple days of a vacation or your old pet…you just want to enjoy those last precious moments but you’re already consumed by what happens next. And the thing that happens next is bitter sweet: I’m excited to meet this baby but can’t help be heartsick over the idea of going back to the hospital and having the same surgery I had when Tommy Jr was born.
I still wonder why I didn’t just go to the hospital that day, instead of hemming and hawing and then going to the doctor’s office where they made me wait for god-knows-how-long before realizing I had to go to labor and delivery. What would my life be like now if I had gone straight to the hospital and they could have stopped the labor? I worry that I’ll never stop asking myself that.
I keep trying to look at the photos that were taken the day we said goodbye. The next set of baby pictures will be so joyful and while I should feel happy, I just keep tearing up. I know that with this new beginning comes the end of something that has informed my life for two years. Grief won’t have the same place in my heart and mind when I’m caring for a new baby. That’s the natural order of things, that’s how life is supposed to go: you don’t leave your grief behind, you let it grow your heart bigger to accommodate more joy. But that’s just me trying to be positive.
The truth is I feel like the arrival of my daughter means the departure of my little ghost.
I know he’ll always be with us, but it won’t be the same. We won’t have the same capacity to keep him near. That’s one of the reasons why when people keep asking me if I’m excited I can’t just say “OH YES I’M SO EXCITED”. And I can’t readily explain why it all feels so complicated. People would rather think that everything is fine now- we made it and all that sadness is behind us.
I’m rambling now. It took me so long to just write this post that I’m reluctant to end it. I am excited to meet my daughter, I am excited to learn how to be a mom to a living child. I just miss my boy.
Beautifully written. Thinking of you these days!
Very excited for you to meet your daughter!!
Ditto. Ditto. LOL = TOY and PFY!!!!!!!!! HUGE HUGS for you and Tom and Baby Girl from your fav-o-rite blogstalker.
I think grief is so complicated and people want so much for things to be resolved and over and have you happy again…for their own ease and comfort if nothing else. I think your new baby will most likely help ease your sadness, but her birth won’t magically take away all the hurt and the pain. I get that there is a loss wrapped up in there as well…another child vying for your attention, less energy available for your little boy. Different situation, but I’m feeling that with my brother who was killed as I creep up on having my twins…my energy grieving him…some of that’s going to go to the happiness of the new little ones. That’s how it should be, but still in a way it feels like a betrayal…
Hugs…
Good luck to you this week. I think we will be having our babies days apart. Crazy. I know exactly how you feel. These last few days leading up to this event has my mind in complete disarray. Hopefully, once this stage has passed, things will start to feel “right”. Whatever that means
. Talk to you soon!